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“Obviously,” Nikolai mutters under his breath.
“You got something to say, you say it louder,” I tell him, not going to put up with any passive aggressive bullshit. We’re adults.
“Fine.” He turns and squares his shoulders toward me. “You knew he was excited to have you watch him, I mean he could barely contain his excitement all night. And you blew him off, like it meant nothing to you. And maybe he doesn’t mean anything to you, but he means everything to us. And if you’re not going to appreciate him or at the very least treat him with respect and not make empty promises to him you can’t keep, then just stick to your bunk for the rest of this tour and tell him you’re not interested. He’s a big boy, he can handle it. But don’t play with his head like that.” And with that, Nikolai storms out of the lounge, leaving me sitting there like an idiot with my jaw agape and Hayden staring down at the floor.
I toss my plate of food on the seat next to me, uncaring of crackers that fall to the floor and grapes that roll around on the couch. Nikolai’s words sink in and I have a hard time swallowing them, edges jagged and cutting on their way down.
I was excited to watch Walker perform and I meant it when I promised him that day in the studio that I would watch their next show. I remember the happiness in his eyes when I told him I would, just like I remember the anticipation in my chest thinking about it. But to be honest, watching Walker’s set was the last thing on my mind last night after I got off of the phone with Beth.
But after that phone call and walking away from the greenroom, I had a one-track mind and that was getting myself the hell away from everyone and everything and seeking out the comfort of my own silence. I didn’t even think twice about Walker, now picturing him onstage and looking over the wings, growing more and more disappointed every time he looked and I wasn’t there.
“Fuck.” I exhale, hands coming up to cover my eyes. “I fucked up.”
“Yeah,” Hayden agrees, and I can’t help the strangled laugh that escapes my throat at that.
“I’m not apologizing on Nikolai’s behalf because to be honest, I agree with everything he said. Though, his delivery was a little harsh. You just gotta understand that we’re protective over each other, and especially over Walker. He watches out for each of us like no one else. We owe it to him to do the same. So when his feelings are genuinely hurt by someone, we all hurt with him.”
I can’t help but admire the friendship and loyalty they all have for each other. Sure, being around someone 24/7 will bond people together, but this runs deeper than that. A flicker of jealousy cuts through me, realizing that besides Boone, I don’t have anyone else in my life having my back like that.
“I’m going to fix it.” I raise my chin, straightening up.
Hayden smiles, but there’s some reservation in his face as he says, “You better. Otherwise, it’s going to be awkward as hell around here.”
18
WALKER
Water droplets drip down my naked torso before I can wring out the excess shower water left in my hair. The mirror is fogged up and I quickly swipe a hand over it, already sick of this small bathroom on the bus.
When we arrived yesterday, we were supposed to have hotel rooms reserved for our group for the next few days that we’re staying here. But there was some big mix up and our reservations weren’t actually scheduled to start until today. Arun tried his best to get it figured out and get us in last night, but they were fully booked and by the time he was done going back and forth with them, it was so late that I told him not to even worry about trying to find another place.
I know Boone and Naomi, along with some of the crew, went to another hotel farther away to stay in for the evening, but the guys, Scar and I all just stayed on the bus. I’ve spent many nights in this bunk already, what’s one more.
My arms ache as I bring the towel up over my head, rubbing it vigorously over my hair before hanging it on one of the hooks on the back of the door. I’m going to regret pushing myself so much with my workouts when the time comes for our next show later this week and my arms protest at the speed I need them to move with.
But I had too much frustration, and yes, hurt, to work out this morning. Scar never showed up at our show in New York when she promised she would and I’ll admit, it hurt my feelings. I was let down. I watched the wings for her, held my breath to just catch a glimpse of those dark, purple tips of her hair. But there was nothing.
And then yesterday morning when I came down to get in the car to take us to the airport, I spotted her laughing with Naomi at the coffee bar, seemingly without a care in the world. It clearly didn’t bother her that she didn’t watch, so I avoided her.
And have been avoiding her ever since.
It’s not a permanent thing. I’ll get over it. It’s just hard when you’re forced to be around the person 24/7. I’m not ashamed to admit that I was starting to develop a little crush on Scar.
Or maybe a big one.
She’s been on my mind since that first day I saw her sound check and heard her sing. And every time I’ve interacted with her after that, I’ve been itching to peel away layer after layer of who she is, whittling her down until I get to know who she is at her core, and learn what makes her tick.
But clearly, she doesn’t have the same desire to get to know me and I’ll just have to accept that.
I swing open the bathroom door and with it comes a puff of steam that was trapped inside, evaporating quickly as it’s exposed to the cooling air on the bus. I walk over to my bunk to grab my phone, only to see the very person I’ve been avoiding sitting at the booth in the kitchen.
“Hey,” Scar says, waving her hand in a small greeting.
“Hey,” I respond, momentarily unsure of where to go.
Her eyes flick down my chest and over my black athletic shorts I threw on after I got out of the shower.
Good thing I took them in the bathroom with me.
