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I could relate to that feeling. Drinking started a bit out of rebellion for me, growing up as a preacher’s daughter and all. But it turned into needing it to just take the edge off of things, until it turned into needing it before I needed food when I woke up in the morning. It was a spiral I didn’t see coming until it was too late.
“How are things going over on your bus? Not too smelly, I hope…” Naomi trails off with a smirk.
“Well, they shower regularly, which I think is more than you can say for Boone.” I laugh.
She raises her glass in a silent salute.
“But seriously,” I say, “they’ve been fine. Honestly, I don’t interact with them all that much.”
It’s partially true. After the shows, everyone does their own wind down routine and crashes. Some of the guys like to sleep in in the morning, so the bus is usually pretty quiet when I get up and I’m able to eat in peace and do some work on my laptop. Hayden is typically the first one up from the band and he seems content to coexist in silence as he does his usual morning routine. Activity doesn’t really start until Nikolai rolls out of bed and that’s when the quiet hum of the bus is overpowered by his chatter, and Walker’s when he wakes up to join in.
“I don’t think Reid has said a single word to me the entire time so far.” Not that I care honestly. He always looks pissed off about something, and I know I tend to have a resting bitch face, so it’s not like either of us are going to go out of our ways to engage with the other.
“That doesn’t surprise me,” Naomi says. “We’ve hosted the guys over for dinner a few times over the years, but Reid’s often not shown up and if he has, he’s polite to me, but not one to engage in conversation or ask me about my day.”
“That sounds a bit like myself.”
“No.” Naomi waves my comment off. “People just have to talk to you in order for you to talk to them. And then keep talking and talking and talking until you have no choice but to engage.” She smiles teasingly, and I return it. “You’re too hard on yourself.”
I shrug like it’s nothing, a habit I’ve formed since childhood. When you were raised like I was, there was always something I could do to improve upon. Something I did wrong that needed correction, something that wasn’t perfect. There were always areas for me to pray to God for his grace to improve me in.
Blah blah blah.
“Have you gotten to know Walker at all? He’s a big sweetheart behind the rockstar playboy image he puts off. Nikolai, too,” she adds.
I think back to last night, watching a movie with Walker at the back of the bus after the show. I went in there after I was showered and ready for bed after my set, expecting the bus to myself for a few hours while Whisper Me Nothings and Boone performed their sets back-to-back. All set up and ready for my mindfulness time, Walker came barreling back into the room, shirtless, once again, and plopped himself down and somehow talked me into watching a movie about robots.
I’d like to think I’m fairly resistant to the charm of men after I’ve seen past the masks of many around me in the church as I was growing up, but something about his large frame, loudmouth, and carefree attitude had me lowering my hackles last night. It was actually…nice.
“A little bit,” I say, not extrapolating any further.
Naomi raises an eyebrow at me, but doesn’t push any further as our food arrives and we dig in like we haven’t had a warm meal in days.
We scarf down our food and order another cup of coffee, before heading back out into the rain to get a little bit more shopping in before Boone comes to whisk Naomi away for a dinner date. She’s reluctant to leave me out, and Boone even extends the invitation my way, but I shoo them away and let them have their romantic dinner together. Last thing I need is to be a third wheel at some fancy surf and turf spot.
As I stroll around by the pier as the light is beginning to leech from the sky, a light gray turning dark but not letting up on the rain, I’m left with a lightness inside that doesn’t reflect my current setting. I’m so thankful to have Naomi on this experience with me and to be able to call her my friend. When Boone and I first started working on music together and that morphed into a friendship, never once did she ever make me feel bad for the amount of time I was taking her boyfriend away from her, or look at me with an ounce of jealousy or apprehensiveness. Instead, she treated me with kindness and an open heart, always including me in their plans when she knew I didn’t have anywhere else to be. I’ve spent more holidays with the two of them the past few years than I have with my own family and never once did they make me feel like a burden.
Never once did they make me feel like I fell short and didn’t deserve to be shown love. Unlike my family.
12
WALKER
Five shows into the tour and things have been going pretty smooth honestly. Hayden’s been relaxing little by little into the routine and dealing with his anxiety on the road. Nikolai has officially broken things off with Lauren and she only caused a mild shitstorm with an Instagram Live where she ripped him a new one, but that’s already old news. Thank god people’s attention spans are so short and the news cycle is always chasing the next story.
Reid’s been integrating back into the group more. He joined all of us down in the hotel gym this morning for a workout and even graced us with his presence at breakfast. We’re in Salt Lake City for a show tomorrow night, before we all jump on a red eye to play in New York City the following night. Then we fly south to jump back on the bus and keep going on our route. Boone had the New York show booked before the tour got set in stone, so they opened it up to all three acts and built it into our schedule.
It’ll be an exhausting few days ahead, but I’m looking forward to going back to NYC and getting some studio time in while we’re there. Hayden and I have been tossing around ideas and I’m stoked to get started on album number five.
A knock coming from the front of the bus signals our lunch delivery, and I jump off the couch to greet the crew member who brought it over, slipping her an extra $20 as she exchanges the food. The tall brunette shoots me a flirtatious smile, to which I quickly duck my head and walk back onto the bus, not interested in entertaining that any further.
“Food’s here,” I call out, summoning Scar and Hayden from their bunks, Reid and Nikolai both already seated on one side of the booth. They’re laughing about something Nikolai is showing Reid on his phone and Reid pushes a hand playfully in the side of Nikolai’s head.
The smell of cilantro and beans is calling my name from the depths of the plastic bag as I unload containers filled with burritos, chips and queso, and tostadas. My mouth waters the second the lids start getting pulled off.
I find my burrito in the stack and ditch the rest, scooching into the other side of the booth and dig in, letting everyone else find their own food. The first bite pulls a groan deep from within, to which Scar gives me an annoyed look as she now stands at the end of the table, rummaging through the bag to find her own order. Hayden slips in beside me and presses in tight, his body fully shoved up against my own. I’m about to tell him to scoot over and let me have my time with my burrito, but I realize he’s making room for Scar to sit next to us. I squeeze myself as close to the wall as possible to allow her more room.
The table is quiet as we all eat, everyone too hungry for small talk.
