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I peek at the guys, but no one is allowing their gaze to stray from her face, not even Reid, who she has been basically eye-fucking since she walked in our greenroom.
Interviews are part of the job and most of the time, they can be fun if you put a little effort into it. But sometimes interviewers ramp it up a little too much, playful banter turning into suggestive jokes, lines get blown right past, even from the time we were teenagers.
This lady seems pretty harmless, and besides, if it’s Reid she’s eyeing up, God help her.
“I’m curious, do you each have a favorite song to perform?”
We all give each other a look, waiting to see who will speak up first. When the other three sit silently and look at me, I give her an answer. “I’m really looking forward to performing a lot of the songs off of our last album. The process of creating that body of work was a special time for all of us, and we haven’t gotten to play them live yet. So I think the fans are also in for a treat with hearing the new material live.”
I allow my mind to drift away from the interview for a moment, getting lost in the memory of writing our fourth album. Lyrically, it’s some of Nikolai’s best work. Although we all contributed to the lyrics, he really took charge and encapsulated the message we wanted to send with the album. He was deep in the headspace and heartbreak of his most recent fling at the time. That one resulted in a drunken night in Vegas, a drive-thru wedding, and an annulment the following day. It always hurts to see your friend hurting, but damn did it really pull some inspiration from him.
I was feeling a different kind of hurt when we were writing that album. It had been a while since I had been in a relationship with someone I truly cared about, so while Nikolai was dealing with heartache in the present, I was dealing with feeling lonely when I left the studio every night and came home to an empty house. After so many years of success, you start to look around and wonder if people are in your life for what you can do for them, or because they actually like who you are. And I was in a place where I felt like no one cared to get to know the real me and not just the man I am onstage.
Hayden was struggling with the same feeling, tired of wondering if women just wanted to use him for bragging rights. Out of the four of us, he’s always been the most selective about who he lets into his bed and his heart.
And Reid really came through with pulling together a lot of the composition for each of the songs. Everyday, the four of us showed up to the studio before our time was even supposed to start because we were all brimming with untapped ideas and ready to spit them out as fast as our hands could keep up. We all stayed long past sunset every night and after everyone else had long since left the building.
It was an album that when we listened to it front to back, we all knew we had made something really special. Something to be proud of. Our best work to date.
I feel Hayden tense up next to me, and I pull myself out of the past and back into the present.
“Many fans were disappointed when you announced that your tour for your fourth studio album would be canceled indefinitely,” Jada says, and I now realize why Hayden has stiffened.
“That’s not to say that fans weren’t understanding though. Hayden, Nikolai, how have you two been doing in the year since the shooting at your siblings’ high school graduation?”
Well damn, rip the Band-Aid right off, why don’t you. I choke, expecting a little more tact in handling such a delicate situation. A situation that is the reason we haven’t played any music from our fourth album.
I turn to my left, Nikolai and Hayden sitting on one side of me, Reid on the other closest to the interviewer.
Nikolai’s face may appear impassive to the strangers in the room with us, or those who will eventually watch this interview back. But I see the slight flex in his jaw, the way he begins to toy with the long strands of hair that curl around his ears.
Hayden is a little more obviously uncomfortable, cracking his knuckles and visibly paler than when we started the interview.
I eye Arun across the room, waiting to see if he’ll step in and say something, but from his relaxed posture against the grimy, discolored walls, I’d say he’s not going to stop this.
And honestly, I wouldn’t expect anything different. As much as it hurts me to see them put in an uncomfortable and painful position to rehash one of the worst days of their lives, it’s almost impossible to never have it come up since it was the sole reason we canceled our last tour and have such strict security measures on this one.
About a year and a half ago in June, right after we finished the album and were getting ready to tour it, one of Hayden’s brothers and Nikolai’s little brother were graduating from high school. The same school where the four of us met and our lives were forever changed when we formed our band. They both attended graduation with their families to support their brothers, when a fellow student opened fire on the ceremony, killing three people and injuring six others.
Two of the victims were students graduating that day, never getting to move onto their next phase in life. The other was a teacher, an older woman who dedicated her life to her students.
Fuck, my chest wants to cave in on itself just thinking about it, fury and pain dragging its way through my entire body.
Thankfully, none of Hayden or Nikolai’s family were harmed.
Physically that is. Mentally, different fucking story.
“I can only speak for myself when I say that I’m stoked to be back on the road, giving the fans the show they’ve been waiting for and deserve. I needed the time off to spend with my family, rest, and get my mind right before being able to do my best out there on that stage.” It’s a good answer, a great one even, but does anyone else see how Nikolai’s blue eyes don’t hold the sparkle they had a few minutes before he got pulled back into that nightmare?
Jada nods, appearing empathetic, and turns her questioning gaze to Hayden, waiting on his response.
“Um…” He coughs, clearing his throat of the anxiety I know that has balled itself up in there. “What Nikolai said, um, yeah, spent a lot of time with my family and resetting.” He nods rapidly. “Ready for the tour.”
I grab his knee under the table, squeezing hard to give him something to zero in on and also in comfort. He knocks his leg into mine in a silent thank-you.
Reid sits stoically to my right, and I can’t tell if he’s bored or pissed.
“Well, I want to personally tell you how sorry I am that you both had to witness such a tragedy, and I’m happy you were able to take the time that you needed.”
