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That knowledge didn’t help her much, because Juliette still couldn’t do it.
Juliette didn’t know how she was going to get through one day without Liv, let alone the entire, desolate lifetime that was stretching out ahead of her.
She tried to focus on her work, but her work was crap right now. She’d had no trouble painting before she met Liv. Logically, she should still be able to find inspiration in her surroundings and her own thoughts.
It was like Liv had taken the life right out of her paintings, though. Juliette threw away canvas after canvas of utter crap. It was a nightmare. She had always loved her work, but now, even that had been taken from her.
Juliette tried to keep up the motions, all for the sake of her lie. She had sacrificed everything to keep this lie going. The last thing she was going to do was let her mom figure out what was going on, which meant hiding how thoroughly depressed she was.
Juliette got out of bed. She ate a balanced diet and got enough sleep. She tried her best to work on her paintings. From the outside, she was doing everything she needed to live a functioning life. She was coping.
Internally, Juliette was not coping. Her mind had become a relentless chasm of pain and loneliness. She wanted Liv so much her chest ached, but there was nothing she could do to assuage that pain.
It was made worse by the fact that they were still living together. That should have made it better – knowing that she still got to see Liv, but it actually just made Juliette sad every time she looked at her.
She missed their easy friendship. Liv hadn’t just been Juliette’s partner; she had been her best friend. In losing her, Juliette had not only lost a lover, but the best friend she’d ever had.
She’s the love of my life.
Juliette felt her heart breaking.
It was going to come down to a choice between her Liv and her mother. It was an impossible choice to make. How did she even begin to weigh the pros and cons of such a decision. She loved Liv more than anything, more than life itself, but her mom was… well, her mom. Juliette couldn’t imagine her life without her mom’s love and support in it.
In desperation, she turned to the internet. It turned out that there were many support forums dealing with this exact issue.
Juliette read through posts and was not encouraged. Sure, there were a few stories about the parents miraculously accepting their gay children, but the vast majority of stories about people coming out to bigoted parents ended in disaster.
Years later, they were still estranged. How could she choose that for herself?
She found herself posting her story in a forum, a long paragraph explaining her dilemma. Juliette anxiously refreshed the screen, waiting for replies to come. When they did, they were a mixed bag.
Fuck your mom. If she doesn’t accept you, she doesn’t deserve you in her life.
If your gf is ready to break up with you for not coming out, she’s not the one for you.
Find someone else who’s willing to respect your secret.
Come out. It was worth it for me.
Coming out was the worst decision of my life. I’ve lost everything.
Juliette scrolled through the different comments, trying to determine which way the answer was leaning, but there were so many back and forth answers, she was no closer to making a decision than she had been when she posted here.
One comment in particular stuck with her.
In the end, you’ve got to decide what’s more important to you – holding onto your future or holding onto your past. And only you and decide which is which. In the end, you’ll have to do what your heart tells you.
That was the question, wasn’t it? Was Liv her future, or her past? Was her mother’s love her future, or her past? Juliette couldn’t have both.
She wished with all her heart that she could, but it simply wasn’t possible. She closed down the forum. She should have known better than to seek answers from the internet. What did some group of strangers know?
Juliette went back to her studio, determined to paint something halfway decent. She was rummaging around for a fresh canvas – she’d thrown away so many that she was running low – when she knocked an old painting over.
Juliette cringed as she saw what it was. The half-finished painting of Liv, naked on the couch. Liv’s eyes were as warm as her smile, and as beautiful.
Juliette clutched the painting to her chest and broke down in tears.
9
