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“Of course I did!” I snapped. “You said it was the only way I could reach you while you were gone, and I stupidly believed you. I sent my first message a week after you left because I missed you. I wasn’t sure when you’d get it or be able to respond, but then I realized a couple weeks later that I’d missed my period. I sent the second one then. The third one had the news of my positive pregnancy test. I emailed the fuck out of you until I realized it wasn’t going to make you magically reappear in my life.”
“How many?” The words sounded like they were dragged from the depths of his soul.
“How many what?” I whispered back, starting to get the feeling there was something seriously wrong here. He wasn’t acting like a man who’d known about his baby. I’d been too angry before to stop and consider the why behind his accusation. But was it really possible he hadn’t known? That he’d never received any of my messages?
“How many fucking times did you email me?”
“You’re going to have to learn how to watch your language if you plan on spending time with Carter,” I chided. It didn’t do me much good because he just sat there, glaring at me from the floor. I wasn’t sure how honest I should be with him. The answer was kind of embarrassing when I stopped to think about it. I didn’t really want to admit to a number out loud. “Too many.”
He uncoiled from his position on the floor and stalked towards me, only to crouch down in front of me, his eyes drilling into mine. “How many times, Aspen?”
Carter came to my rescue and let out a little wail. He was hungry and didn’t mind my distraction until it interfered with his ability to eat. I switched him to the other side, and he latched back on and settled down immediately.
“Tell me, Aspen,” he rasped out. “I need to know.”
I closed my eyes in an effort to block out the tortured look in his. It didn’t help, and the answer spilled from my lips anyway. “Forty.”
“Forty fucking emails.” His forehead pressed gently against mine, and I squeezed my eyes even more tightly shut. “When did you send the last one?”
“After the plus sign turned up on my pregnancy test, I kept sending them. Once a week. Right up until the day after Carter was born. I figured if you didn’t respond to a picture of him, then there wasn’t anything else for me to say.”
“My beautiful girl held on to her faith for nine goddamn months, all alone during her pregnancy without me to care for her,” he whispered against my lips. “And spent three more raising my son while thinking I didn’t give a damn. It fucking guts me to know I let you down, Aspen.”
My eyes popped open at his admission, and I was shocked to find tears tracking down his cheeks. “You didn’t get them?” I breathed out, hope building in my chest.
“Of course I didn’t fucking get them, Aspen,” he snapped. “I never would have left you hanging like that. I don’t know what you said in the first one, but I would’ve replied to let you know I missed you too. I would’ve told you in the second to wait to take a test because I wanted to be there when you did, and I would have moved heaven and earth to make it fucking happen. And your third email would’ve made me want to shout from the rooftops knowing you were carrying my child.”
My heart felt like it was racing out of my chest. I didn’t know what to think or feel. The whole damn time I’d been hating him for leaving me and abandoning our child, he’d had no idea. It didn’t seem possible, but there was no mistaking his reaction, or the sincerity of his words.
“I don’t know what the rest of them said, but I would have treasured each and every one. No, make that will treasure them, because I’m going to read them all and give you the replies you damn well should have received from the start. I’m also going to find out who the fuck was responsible for this, and they’re going to pay for hurting you and keeping my family from me all this time,” he vowed.
I’d thought my heart was steeled against him forever, but it melted then and there.
