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His heart is pounding in cadence with mine, his hands fisted, while mine grip the desk.
I know it, feel it… the all-too-familiar phenomenon that’s always existed between us in full-effect… our past, present, regrets, and desires have synced — the combined energy crowding the air around us.
His hands come sneaking in and gently cover mine, setting off a riot of my senses. All of them now fully-engaged, I hear the slight stutter in his every breath, smell his apprehension, as our last time together — each and every kiss, thrust, trickle of sweat — replay in my mind.
“Talk to me, Lin. Tell me, everything… like you used to,” he seduces my ear, stroking my hand with the calloused pad of his thumb.
“I… I don’t hate you,” the spontaneous confession is hardly a whisper.
“No?”
“No.” I surrender, some, letting my head fall forward and slowly shaking it. “I don’t like you very much. I wish you, we, had done things differently. I… I miss the old you, the old us. But no, I don’t hate you. Couldn’t, ever, even though I’ve tried.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” He’s quick to capitalize on my rare moment of weakness, shifting so both of his legs are now on the outside, fingers of each hand woven through mine and pinning them down on the desk… his much larger, forceful frame pressed taut against me.
I’m caged in. Trapped. Doing nothing to escape.
“Still my Linden, always have been, always will be. Know it,” his hot, arrogant growl warms my neck… and pisses me off.
I whirl around to face him — the man, the myth, the callous, smug, unapologetic heartbreaker — refusing to let his nearness steal my focus, or anger. I poke my finger in his chest with each hissed word, jabbing his eyes with my glare. “Not. Your. Linden. Not. Your. Anything. You. Know. Nothing.”
His signature smirk appears, slowly widening into a grin that showcases the tiny dimple in his left cheek. “You’re lying, and I already warned you, babe; you’re not good at it.” He speaks to his finger, that he’s watching trace my collarbone, with a feather-light touch that still manages to burn like his brand. “I hurt you; I know this. You hurt me back. I took it, and I forgave you, Lin. Time for you to forgive me,” he softly speaks, giving thunderous volume and weight to his words, eyes remaining locked on the tortuous path of his fingers. Which, come to rest over my heart.
“Am I still in here, Linnybug? Is this still mine?”
“No,” I lie, again, my breathlessness belying me.
“Tell me, then, what am I still doing in here?” Same finger, same blaze of liquid fire beneath my skin, as he gently presses against my temple before sliding the long strand of overgrown bangs behind my ear.
“What you always do,” I answer as he grips the back of my head.
“And what’s that?”
“Always trying to trick me, convincing me you’re really a nice guy and I should forget the past, and its pain.” I suck in air, and some perseverance, and lower my gaze from his truth-inducing baby blues.
“You should! Didn’t I just get through saying that? Jesus, Linden, enough! We hurt eachother. You don’t get to play lone victim; not anymore. I’ve waited, given you time, let you delude yourself and put all the blame on me. I’m done with that bullshit. I’m calling you, and the truth, out. Linden, You. Did. The. Real. Hurting.”
I snap my head up so fast I know I’ll feel a twinge tomorrow, my razor-sharp glare slicing into him. “Are you kidding me? You think I’m the one deluding themselves? Unbelievable, even for you.”
He snares my chin between a thumb and forefinger, forcing me to look at him and the hostile sheen now in his eyes. “Do you have any recollection of any of the events that led to our… demise, or do you just make up shit to make yourself feel better?”
“You ran off to Yale to fulfill your Mister Ivy League prophecy, shattering my seventeen-year-old heart in the process. What part is it I got wrong?”
“The part where you started talking,” he growls. “First of all, I didn’t run anywhere. Not once. Not even a jog. Trot. Fast-paced walk. None of the above. You knew Yale was my number one choice, and I worked my ass off for that acceptance! Hell, Linden, you helped me fill out the application and write my essay! That shit wasn’t a surprise; it was planned… for years!”
“Well, I guess I missed it when we planned for you to break up with me before you went.”
I only meant to scream, minus the crack of sorrow. Shaking off the embarrassment, I plunge right back in, louder. “I didn’t get it then. I was too emotional, too young, to understand. But now? Now I know exactly why you did it. Who wants to move halfway across the country, go to one of the best colleges in the country, and have to worry about your still-in-her-teens girlfriend back home, finishing her senior year of high school? But, we could have talked about it… you know, like we used to talk,” I toss his words back in his face with an evil sneer and purse my lips, just as evilly, while I wait for his response. I’m sure it’ll be something along the lines of, ‘I was a kid, and stupid, didn’t realize what I had, and I’m really sorry but get over it.’
“The only thing you got right in that whole, long-winded-as-shit analysis of my master plan was the fact that yes, I did break up with you.”
“It’s kind of the only thing that mattered.”
“Is it?” His tone gentles, with what I’m guessing is nostalgia, and he releases my chin, now using that hand to stroke my cheek. “Go back, babe. Think. Use that sexy-as-fuck brain of yours.” He inches fatally closer, our noses brushing, his warm breath haunting my lips. One slight shift, and I could feel his mouth on mine. I’d get a little satisfaction and it’d stop a conversation I wasn’t ever prepared to have … but no doubt, the accompanying flood of sensations and memories would be anything but little, or resistible.
“Knox,” I whisper, and he drags in a heavy inhale, most likely fighting off the same urges as me.
I watch as his eyes slowly, and methodically, touch every nuance of my face, coming to rest on my mouth. So, while I have his attention there, I use it, to ask, “What is it I’m supposed to be thinking back about? You breaking up with me, wrecking me? I’d rather not.”
“Then don’t,” he grumbles, both nimble hands finding my hips and tugging me to his strung-tight, hard frame. “The less you thought, the better we always did.”
Most accurate, honest thing he’s said since strutting into my office. No matter what they — his friends, family, and sometimes even my own, of both — tried to cruelly make me believe, Knox could always make me forget… using no words. Easily taking me to the place that was ours, where no one else’s opinions, advice, or criticism was allowed, and we were perfectly meant to be.
“What’s it gonna be, Lin?” he asks on my lips, fingers inching up toward the hem of my skirt.
Dammit; he’s winning, whittling down my defenses without even really trying. My thinking’s getting me nowhere except more confused, and it’s been so long since I’ve experienced physical mindlessness; especially with the only man who gets it more than right, every single time. So, for the first time in… I can’t remember, I turn off my head, and my heart, and choose to think like a man. As in, not at all.
