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I curl my lip. “Must we?”
“Yes, we must. He’s Sophie’s grandfather. Families are supposed to celebrate birthdays together. Besides, he and May May were good to you after Tracy’s accident.”
“All right,” I say in a reluctant tone. “This will give me a chance to have a long overdue conversation with him about the past.”
“Good luck with that,” she teases. “I’ll make certain I’m out of the room.”
Caroline’s eyes grow wide as though struck with a thought. She stops dancing and whispers something in Sophie’s ear.
“Can I have a Barbie birthday cake?” Sophie asks.
Ashton laughs. “We’ll see. Now run along. Go play Frisbee,” she says, shooing them off the porch.
I wait for them to leave. “Don’t you dare get her a Barbie cake. She’s too young.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll come up with something age appropriate.”
Even though I won’t be doing the planning, I have a feeling I’m in over my head with this birthday party.
* * *
Thoughts of Bert’s accident continue to weigh heavily on me throughout the evening. On Monday afternoon, when my anxiety brings on a panic attack, I drive to Beaufort for an emergency session with Clemmy.
I plopped down in my usual chair on her porch. “Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. I haven’t had a panic attack in years, and it scared me.”
“I’m glad you called me. That’s what I’m here for.”
“I felt this enormous sense of relief on Friday after unburdening myself to you about Bert’s accident. But it was short-lived. Now I can’t stop thinking about Bert. All these emotions have built up inside of me. I feel as though I might burst.”
Clemmy slips on her reading glasses and sits back in her chair with her notebook. “Tell me about your weekend. Did you do anything out of the ordinary on Friday afternoon? Anything that might’ve distracted you from thinking about Bert.”
My mind drifts to my evening spent with Julia. “My daughter’s friend and his mother came over for a boat ride. After dinner, Julia and I set the kids up with a movie and went outside to the porch. I surprised both of us by kissing her. I sense a strong chemistry between us. But it’s way too soon after Tracy’s death. This brings up the issue of how I could possibly be attracted to another woman only two months after losing my wife in a tragic accident.” I bury my face in my hands. “I’m such a mess, Clemmy. When will things get better?”
“This range of emotions is normal, Will. You will have ups and downs as you work your way through the process. What would your wife think about you finding a new love interest?”
“We talked about that many times. She would want me to move on with my life.”
“And that’s what I think too. You’re going through a lot right now, Will. I suggest you embrace anything and anyone who offers you happiness. Although I advise you to proceed with caution and to be honest with Julia about your therapy.”
I sit up straighter in the chair as some of the guilt slips away. “I will. For her sake and mine. She just got out of an unhappy marriage. We need each other right now. And she makes me feel alive again.”
“Good.” Clemmy crosses her legs. “Now, tell me what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling about Bert.”
“I’ve been remembering the good times we had as kids. But I’ve had these horrible nightmares about the accident. I’m just so angry.” I tell her about the knife incident with Caroline. “I’ve denied it for so long, but now it’s as clear as the light of day. The anger is a part of me, lying just beneath the surface and waiting for something to trigger it.”
“And who are you angry with, Will?”
I dig my thumb into my chest. “Myself. I should’ve tried harder to save him.”
“What else could you have done? You hadn’t been drinking. You tried to get him to leave. You told his sister you were worried about him, but she didn’t do anything to help.”
A moment of silence passes as I consider what else I could’ve done to save Bert. “I guess nothing, short of calling the police or his parents. The fight is a blur. He came after me, and we wrestled. The railing was rotten. It could’ve easily been me who fell off the balcony.”
“It was an accident, no different than a car crash.” Clemmy pauses a minute, letting this sink in. “Who else are you angry with?”
I rake my hands through my hair as I remember the months following the accident when no one would speak to me. “Everyone who was at the party that night who turned against me.”
Clemmy chews on the end of her pen while she thinks. “Put yourself in their shoes.” She jabs the pen at me. “If the situation were reversed, and you were the one who died, do you think those people would’ve turned on Bert?”
