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Ryan followed her to the garage, past Smoky, to the storage shelves. Erin climbed her step stool, but even on the top step, she had to stretch high to get the big, dark blue pack Michael bought but never had the chance to use. She pulled it down, handing it to Ryan, but he was staring at—her stomach? Weird. "Ryan?"
"Huh?" Ryan started, then grabbed the bag. "Sorry, lost in thought."
"Open the door and shake all the dust off, will you?"
"Good idea." He did, while she put the step stool away. After he returned, Erin closed the garage door, and Ryan followed her back into the house and up the stairs to the office. From the closet, she pulled out a big, unbleached cotton bag. "Here's the sleeping bag. There's a stuff sack in there, too. Let's take this downstairs and see if it all fits."
They walked downstairs, Ryan putting the pack down by the coffee table. He pulled the dark green and beige sleeping bag out of the storage sack. It was a good down bag, rated to twenty degrees. Michael had used it a few times, but not as many as either of them would have liked. There was never enough time.
Then there was no time at all.
Ryan climbed into the bag, zipped it up, and grinned, wriggling around. "Yeah, this is perfect. Sarge was definitely a bigger guy than I am, but a little extra room won't matter in these temperatures." He climbed out and put it back in the storage bag. He fingered the tag on the backpack, then looked back up at her, brows lifted. "This is new."
Erin nodded. "Michael bought it on sale before his last deployment. It's never been used." She couldn't define the mix of emotions swirling in her heart. "Where are we going next?" was one of their favorite deployment phone call topics, but they never got the chance to fulfill most of those dreams. Sometimes she really, really missed Michael.
"Erin, are you sure you're okay with this?"
She stared down at the bag. "It's all good. It needs some good use, some fresh memories." Erin turned toward the kitchen, blinking back tears.
Ryan grabbed her arm. "Hey."
Erin didn't turn back. He didn't need to see her cry. Ryan walked around her and pulled her into a hug, his muscular arms closing around her. She stood stiff for a second, then relaxed into him, shaking a little. I hate crying. He tightened his hold, enveloping her securely.
She shouldn't, but she couldn't resist. She rested her head on his shoulder and let the feelings—and the tears—flow. Even all these years later, she missed Michael so much. He should be here with her; it should be his arms around her. When she got the tears under control, she pulled away. "Sorry." She wiped under her eyes with her hands. "It still hits me now and then."
"It's okay. You loved him." Ryan's voice was rough.
"Yes, I did. Still do. But it's been a long time, and I should be over this kind of thing."
"I'm not sure you ever get over it completely." He swallowed so hard she could hear it. "Nothing wrong with missing someone, especially someone who's been taken way too soon. You guys should have had at least sixty years together, and you only got a fraction of that. It's not fair. No reason not to be upset about that."
"Yeah." Erin plopped on the couch, staring out the windows at nothing. "Most of the time, I'm okay, and I try to remember the good times. But he left a big empty space, and I think it's always going to be empty, no matter what I do."
Ryan sat down next to her but didn't touch her. "It probably will be. They all leave holes, especially when they get taken like that. All you can do is try to fill around the empty places and squeeze them smaller. And live life to the fullest. That's the best way to honor them."
Erin couldn't help but meet his gaze. He'd put her feelings into words so well. "That's why I want you to have Michael's stuff. Take it on adventures, get it dirty. I meant what I said. Make new memories with it. He'd want you to have it." He would. Michael was a generous guy.
Ryan gazed into her eyes. "I promise I'll do my very best."
"Good." Erin pushed off the couch and picked up the pack, holding it out to Ryan. "Come on, let's get it fitted."
He took it from her and put it on, twisting and turning so he could buckle and adjust the straps. Erin put her hands behind her back. He didn't need her help and might be offended if she offered. He shifted his shoulders. "Probably needs some weight in it."
"Probably. Hm... Come on, out on the patio." She had some leftover patio pavers around the side of the house. Ryan followed her. Erin picked up a paver. "Turn around." Carefully, she slid a few into the pack. She added more and more. He held up his hand. "Oof. I think that's enough."
Erin laughed. "Turn around, tighten the straps again, and let's see how it hangs." Ryan choked. Erin was about to ask him if he was okay, but he tightened all the straps and strode away. She checked where the shoulder straps met the pack and where the load lifters hit. The torso length was about right. "That looks pretty good. Guess your torso length must be the same as Michael's." Erin chuckled. "Although that hip strap is a lot tighter than his ever was. So is the sternum strap. You're a leaner guy." Not as muscular as Michael, but there was little fat over that build.
He marched around the area, shifting and jumping occasionally. "That's me. Skinny kid." He bent over, then bounded up. "This feels great. Solid." He nodded and looked straight into her eyes. "Thanks, Erin."
"Oh, I wouldn't call you skinny, not by a long shot. But you're welcome." Kid, yes. Got to remember that. She looked at the pack, satisfied with how it sat. "Want help unloading those bricks now?"
He pulled the pack off, shrugging it off his left shoulder and using his real hand to slow the descent until it touched the ground. He pulled the bricks out and re-stacked them. "What are you going to do with these?"
"They're leftovers. Maybe I'll add on around the front steps someday." She walked away, back toward the patio, and he followed. "You’ll have to find some boots. You can try the local stores, but you might want to hit Missoula one afternoon."
"I've already checked here. They've got some that would be okay, but they're not the best brands. When it comes to boots, I'd rather spend money up front than have foot problems later. I'll go up to Missoula after Wiz leaves. I'll need a sleeping bag pad too."
"I'm not sure what happened to the pad. I've upgraded—maybe I gave both of the old ones away?" Erin shrugged. She really didn't remember. "Anyway, let me know if you need any help." Just inside the house, she paused. She was beat. "I'm heading for bed. It will be another long day tomorrow." Turning toward him, she scowled. "Are you still insisting on staying down here? Like I'm completely unable to protect myself?"
