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“Hayley, I don’t want you to think I won’t wait. I will. Just because I asked, and you said yes, doesn’t mean we have to fly to Vegas tomorrow. I know we have a ton of shit to figure out. I want to make sure all of this is right for you. I want my girl back healthy and feeling as strong as I know she is.”
I press my lips to his chest then rest my chin over the imprint. “I want to do what is right for us. I need us to talk about things. I need us to make decisions together. I don’t mean like permission. I mean like you’re the pitcher and I’m the catcher or vice versa. One doesn’t work without the other.”
“Look at you tossing out the sports terms.” With my head on his chest, I can feel his lungs fill to the point of bursting before he exhales. “We need to talk first about Gabrielle’s offer. You have enough with dealing with Hannah being around. I don’t want Gabs to be another thing you simply survive.”
“I know she was the catalyst for my collapse in Seattle. You understand she wasn’t the reason, right? It would have happened eventually, regardless of where I was or what was going on at the time.”
“When Eli told me that you’ve struggled with this illness… is that what I should call it?”
“Yeah. That’s okay. It’s what it is. I’m sorry you had to find out that way.”
“Shhh. When Eli told me you struggled with this illness, I don’t know I can fully explain what I felt. I was already feeling so much, then this wave of something else showed up. I wanted to run to you. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to take care of you in any way you’d let me. But also, I knew you had to journey along on your own.
“I may not have any prior experience with what you face every day, but I know about athletes and injuries. Sometimes, oftentimes, the mental component of that can far outweigh the physical element. Am I right in thinking it’s equal parts for you? The mental and the physical.”
I want to shrink away. I can’t believe I’m lying here with my now fiancé and opening a closet door I’ve wanted to ignore, bolt shut with a hammer, nails, and a thousand dead bolts, and pretend it doesn't exist. He’s asking all the right questions. I need to give him my honest answers.
“I’ve never talked about this with anyone. It’s really scary for me. I keep saying that, but I don’t know how else to describe it.”
“Is this something you prefer I research on my own? I mean, I’ve done some looking. I just want to understand you. If I’d known… if I’d only known. I know it’s complete bullshit now, but I’d have done things so much differently.”
“It’s interesting how perspective does that. I wish I’d been brave enough. My journey didn’t lead there. Where it led was here. I want to be able to tell you. Sometimes I can. I need you to understand the times I can’t. I’m hoping that with time, patience, and your support, I’ll get better at it.”
“That sounds like a lot of pressure. Doesn’t that make it worse?”
“It can. I mean, just look at the last few weeks. I went to the bottom before I knew it or even wanted to ask for help.”
“Is it easier now that you don’t feel like you have to hide? Now it’s not just your parents. It’s me, Dylan, and Eli.”
“In some ways, yeah, in others not so much.”
“Do you think if you felt yourself going a certain way, you’d be able to tell me?”
“Like this time, it can happen before I realize it. I want to think it won’t happen again.”
“I’ll do my best to support you. If it does, we can deal with it.”
“We. I like the sound of that.” I climb up his body, so we’re nose to nose. His hands hold me like I’m made of glass. It’s not the kind of glass you’re afraid will break. It’s the kind of glass that’s so precious you don’t want anything to happen to it.
“Gabi wants to fight for you too. I know you don’t trust her because she’s an ex, but you need to know she’s the smartest partner in my line of work I’ve ever seen. She’s got instincts for days. Her morals and ethics are way above most in the business. I’m to the point where I’d rather be aligned with her on a small scale and be able to be a role model for my child than the potential piranha that Sully is expecting. The way he talked to me, Hayles…”
His eyes close as he holds my face gently in his hands. Wes slides his nose gently back and forth next to mine. “He’s an asshole,” I whisper. “When you first told me about the job offer with Gabrielle, I’ll admit there was a split second when I felt my stomach flip over. That’s all it was though. It was a second. This is not like Seattle. The reason she became an issue wasn’t because she existed, it was because I didn’t know about her. Understand?”
“I do now. Boy, do I ever.”
I wrap my hands over his shoulders, giving them a tender squeeze. I drink in every bit of his muscles and warmth. He loops his ankles around mine to anchor me to him. With my elbows gently at his sides, I press my lips to his. “I want you to take the job. I don’t want you to stay one minute where you’d ever doubt yourself or have to look over your shoulder. Take it.”
“Because I made you do those things?”
His head rolls to the side so he doesn’t have to let me see how he’s feeling. His eyes being closed isn’t enough for him. I want to know. I have to know. I take hold of his chin with my fingers, guiding him to look into my eyes. “Yes. That’s how I felt. Because you’re doing this with me right now, I know I shouldn’t have to ever do that again. Would you hold this time against me?”
“What? No. God no. That’s not something I’d do.”
“Well, jerk, neither would I. You’ve been in my life since I was seven. I feel like I’ve only really known you the last year or two. I like that you show me when you’re sad. I like that you trust me now as much as you trust Eli.”
“More, Merlin. More.”
“This. This is why I said yes. I know we can be honest now and it’s going to be okay.” I take a breath as deep as he did a moment ago. It’s my way of harnessing my courage to ask for what I need. His fingers flex and retract across my back as if to say I’m listening. “I need to meet Hannah, especially before the baby comes. This isn’t my child, but you’re mine. What happens between you two affects me.”
