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That’s how the ice is broken. I can take it as an honest thank-you or that she thought I wouldn’t show up. “I want to be here, Hannah. You’re used to this. I’m still figuring it out.”
“I know. Look, we’ll make it not awkward, okay?”
“That’s what I need. I know it sounds selfish. We haven’t talked about everything. I think we need to. Are you up for dinner after this? I mean, do you have to go back to work?”
“I’m off the rest of the day. I want to talk in private. Are you okay with us going back to my place so we can order in? I need to get these shoes off sooner than later.”
“I have no plans.”
“Will your girlfriend be okay with it?”
“It won’t be an issue.”
I open the door for her, and we enter a new phase of our relationship. The ride on the elevator is hot, nearly too hot. Hannah has to shed her coat. I offer to help. She lets me. It’s the first time we’ve been this close since the last time we were together.
Eli’s words keep tumbling over in my head. Be present. You’ll want to remember it. Hannah put my name in her file as an emergency contact. That’s one thing I’ve never been before. I follow her down a long hallway to one of the back suites. She sits down on the exam table like she’s done it a thousand times. I don’t quite know what to do with myself.
I sit down for a minute or two, pace for another few, then practically jump out of my skin when the door opens, and the doctor enters. He extends his hand to me; I shake it like it’s the first time I’ve ever shaken anyone’s hand ever. Finally, I take a seat and stay there. I can feel my heart racing in my chest like I’m waiting in the penalty box, itching to get back on the ice.
The doctor makes small talk with Hannah. He wants to know if she’s been feeling well and if there are any changes he needs to be aware of. She talks about having to drop from her three-mile walks every day to two miles. He chuckles and praises her for still doing that but to be careful and listen to her body, in case she would need to reduce again or stop altogether.
He finally turns his attention to me. He asks what I do for a living and if this is my first child as well. I never considered myself to be someone who that question was for. My first child. I can feel the anxiety give way to ache while answering yes. This should be Hayley. This should have been something we got to do together.
My thoughts take over as the doctor approaches Hannah. He listens to her heart, feels over her bump, then takes a few measurements. She’s right on for her due date he says. What happens next is what Eli warned me about.
The doctor takes a device from his pocket and cues it up. He rolls it over her belly until a sound comes through loud and clear. I can only describe it as what the whoosh of a siren would be at the bottom of a body of water. It’s strong, muffled… and beautiful.
That’s my baby.
That’s the heartbeat of my son or daughter.
“Wow. I have no words. Wow.” I stare at Hannah’s ivory skin connected to the wand before I find her face. She is smiling from ear to ear. “Are we allowed to record this?”
My wish is granted. I hold my phone up and close my eyes. Eli was right. I want to remember this moment forever. I’ve never fallen in love in an instant before today.
Hannah’s cravings, she tells me, involve Mexican. The spicier the better, so that’s what we end up ordering in. We sit next to each other on the couch eating, talking, and getting to know each other in a different way. I actually laugh a little bit. I didn’t think it was possible, but maybe this can work. It feels like the right time to tackle the elephant in the room.
“I don’t really know how to put this all out there. It needs to be done, so I’m just going to say what’s in my head.”
“Yeah, I agree. I think I know where this is going.”
“We need to talk about how things are going to work for the rest of the pregnancy and beyond. I know I haven’t been fully plugged in with you and I’m sorry. This should have been one of the first conversations we had so we could have been on the same page the whole time.”
“It’s not just on you. I could have handled things better. I should have called you sooner. I should have done a thousand things differently.”
“Hannah, it’s on both of us. I didn’t know what to say or do either. Every time I tried, it just made it worse. Okay, it did get worse.”
“I want to fix it, Wes, I do. I need the support. I think you do too. We need to make this work for the baby.”
“How do you want to do that? Do we need to get lawyers involved? Trust each other and just do what’s best?”
“If it would make you feel comfortable to have a legal document with things in it, I’m okay with that. I’d prefer to be adults and handle it on our own, at least for now.”
“Things are complicated enough without the suits. Admittedly, I know next to nothing about babies. Don’t laugh, but I’ve been doing some reading online and yes, I’m one of those guys who picked up a book.”
Hannah giggles in a way I’ve only heard her do in bed. “That’s really cute and sweet. Yeah, I’m scared too. My mother is coming for a couple of weeks around the delivery. I’d like you two to meet for obvious reasons.”
“My folks said the same thing. My mom would have been here day one if I’d let her. We can work that out so neither one of us is overwhelmed. Just so you’re aware, I’m moving this weekend. I’m getting a bigger condo so I can have a dedicated room for the baby. I found one a couple of blocks from my best friend and his wife. That was a big thing off the list.”
