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“I love you, Eli.”
Those four words rip me wide open. I feel the tears well up in my eyes before they roll down my cheeks to rest in her hair. “Oh, Kiddo, I love you too. You never have to hide anything from me. I feel awful that you felt like you had to. Can you talk to me about it now? I don’t want to push you.”
“You’re not. My therapist has begged me for years to talk to you. She said keeping it a secret was keeping me stuck. I guess she was right.”
“I thought this went without saying, but I think you need to hear it. You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you or make you feel bad about yourself. Just be honest with me. That’s all anyone can expect. I want to help you and protect you, always. I know I might have to give the reins away someday, just not yet.”
“Eli, I need you to forgive Mom and Dad. I forced them to choose between us. Please don’t be mad at them.”
“I won’t stay mad at them forever, Hayley. I need to be mad today… maybe tomorrow too. I have a lot of feelings inside. Maybe if I’d known, I could have watched for signs. I could have gone to therapy with you. I regret all the times I teased you about certain things.”
I rub my fingers across my swollen eyes in an attempt to hide a little myself. I can feel Hayley’s head move. I feel her looking at me. Her more than petite fingers pull my hand away from my face. Her pale pink manicured fingers slide around mine.
“Eli, you don’t have to be my Iron Man, having you for my brother is enough.”
I sit at her bedside while she eats a small bowl of cereal and a piece of avocado toast. I don’t know if she feels it, but I do. It feels like anytime she was sick, I’d do the same thing. I’d comfort her, I’d stay by her side until she was asleep, then sit another hour to know she was settled and calm.
I don’t offer my parents words when I’m ready to leave. I give my father a hug, I kiss my mother’s cheek, and I leave in silence. The giant swing in the oak would feel good right now. The arms of my wife would feel even better.
When I’m on the other side of the gates, I call her on my hands-free. On the second ring, her soothing voice fills my ears. “Hey. I’m in the cab on the way home. Are you okay? Where are you?”
“I’m headed back to the city. I need you, that’s all I know.”
“How does a bath and a carpet picnic involving Thai food sound?”
“Perfect. It sounds perfect.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Wes
During the week I can convince myself that Hayley’s just working late, at the gym, with her parents, or hanging out with her friends and she’ll wake me with a kiss and more when she gets home. I wake up each day realizing again that’s not the case. The weekend is not a place I can do that.
I was lying awake, staring at the ceiling by six in the morning. That would be a time Hayley and I would enjoy each other in the silence…or not so silent. I toss the covers off and decide wandering around awake is definitely better than realizing I am lying there alone.
I walk into the living room and the weeks’ worth of takeout containers and alcohol bottles are a disgusting reminder of how I’ve been living and treating myself. I haven’t been to the gym in a week. I haven’t showered in two days. Hayley would yell at me if she could see what I was doing. Today would be laundry and cleaning day. She’s trained me well.
I hear Dylan’s voice in my head. Don’t be a shitshow. Put on your mask. “It starts here, man. Get your shit together.”
Under a sinkful of dishes, I grab my recycling bin and begin the detox. I have to fill and empty both that and the trash twice. Even that little bit makes a big difference. I hand wash all the dishes in catharsis, instead of offering the mess to the dishwasher. After my kitchen is spotless and the floors are all either washed or vacuumed, I take the longest, hottest shower of my life. I feel like I’m shedding heavy layers of grime and something I can only describe as a form of grief.
I set my dry cleaning and both baskets of laundry by the door in an attempt to force myself to leave the apartment, even if it’s to the concierge. I know however, once these tasks are done, there are no more to follow. It will be back to sitting in all that I miss or have lost. Day six. I can’t do it. I love this apartment, but it was made more of a home than a permanent hotel suite because of Hayley.
The one thing Hayley left behind is the picture of the four of us from Eli and Dylan’s wedding. That day was the actual first we were together in every way. Even in the image, I feel like she’s staring right through me. I need a break from the ghost of what was. I shove my wallet, keys, and my phone in my pocket, grab my stuff for the cleaners, and my baskets to escape the confines of these walls and do a bit of what Dylan asked me to do. Breathe.
I free my not often used car from the garage to take me to the only other place I feel like I can be right now. I use my pirated copy of the garage code at Eli and Dylan’s and hide my car in their spare spot. I’m thankful my elevator ride is solo. I don’t have it in me to make any conversation. My spare key gives me access to their place.
There’s no movement at all. It’s Saturday. I bet it’s a zoo and David visit in the park day. I load in basket one of the laundry in the washing machine and make myself at home in front of Eli’s gaming system. The sounds of the fake hockey game are soothing. The hits, the roars of the crowd, the sound of the puck and skates moving. It’s something that feels normal. I’m in game two before I hear the familiar sound of the key in the lock.
I let the controller fall to my lap and wait for the inevitable what the fuck are you doing here? Dylan is laughing as they come in the door. She’s been away from one of the things she loves most in life and still can find happiness. I wish.
Eli enters the living room first and without judgment asks to join me. “I’d like to kick your ass today.” I toss him the other controller.
“Hey, Wes. We’re doing glazed pork for dinner. There’s more than enough if you want to stay,” Dylan offers.
“I’ve got laundry in with another load to go, so that would be great.” Eli and Dylan exchange a knowing look. Even if that look equals pity, I don’t care. I’m at least with people I can feel like this with.
Eli and I take a break to help Dylan with dinner. She even makes fucking crutches look graceful. The smells start to waft around the corner from the kitchen. It’s the first time I’ve felt hungry instead of forcing myself to eat in days. “Do you want any help?” I ask.
