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This had all seemed so simple when they were planning it out. But now, now, it was all seeming like a terrible idea, one that was definitely going to get them caught and get them in all kinds of crazy legal trouble…
Once again, Harris began to turn around, once again, Devil stopped him from doing so, and once again, Nikki felt like she might throw up from anxiety.
“No, no,” Devil said. “No, no. Keep facing away from me.”
Harris said, “What for?”
“I need you to keep facing this way because…” Devil said, clearly searching for words, “we need to examine you from here, I’m afraid. From back here.”
“What do you… you mean a… like a rectal exam?” Harris said.
Devil looked at Nikki in alarm. She in turn, gave him a look of absolute terror and shook her head vigorously. Devil looked at the phones sitting nearby.
She knew what he was thinking. There was no way it had been long enough for the virus to upload. But this was completely insane. Nikki shook her head again, even more insistently.
Devil don’t you dare try to do a rectal exam on a goddamn federal agent!she wanted to scream, but all she could do wasshake her head even more insistently and try to beam that message with her eyes into Devil’s brain.
“Ummmm… yes,” Devil said. “Yes, I’m afraid that a rectal exam is exactly what is necessary right now.”
Nikki shot another look at him, a look that saidAre you crazy?
Devil could only shrug and gesture at Harris’s back and then at the phones.What else can I do?that shrug said.
“I don’t want to do that, Doctor, I mean…” Harris began to say, almost turning around before Devil stopped him.
“I understand, I understand,” Devil said, looking at the Benny’s virus phone and then at Nikki. She shook her head. The red light hadn’t come on. It hadn’t been three minutes, not even close.
“And believe me,” Devil continued, “it’s the last thing I want to do, as well. I really mean that. But if we don’t catch this disease in its earliest stages… well, sir, the consequences are severe. Indeed, they could be deadly.”
Harris said, “I feel fine, though.”
“That’s typical for Spotted Cabin Fever. Never feel a thing. The next thing you know, bam!” Devil said, slamming an open hand down on the exam table. “Dead.”
“That serious?”
“You’d better believe it. But first, the coughing, the drooling, the uncontrollable diarrhea…”
“Loss of erections”, Nikki added helpfully. If there was one thing that got a man’s attention about his health, she knew, it was anything to do with the twig and berries.
“That too,” Devil said. “That too.”
“And youhaveto examine my rectum?” Harris said.
“I’m afraid so. So keep facing that way, and bend over.”
“But… I thought you said this condition affects the liver and kidneys.”
“Yes,” Devil said slowly, doing his doctor nodding thing again. “Yes, I did. That is true, in the later stages of the illness. However… and this is the Mayo Clinic’s findings, I can’t take credit for it… the first signs of Spotted Cabin Fever are here, in the anus.”
“Shouldn’t we be doing a full colonoscopy, then?” Harris said.
“No, no. That’s, um, that’s not necessary. The problem arises down low, in the first part of the butt, not all the way up the chute,” Devil said, adding quickly when Nikki glared at him, “I’m speaking in layman’s terms, of course.”
“Oh.Of course.”
“And the last thing we want is for it to spread to the testicles and prostate and then the brain.”
“It can do that?”
