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I feel so many things that I don’t know how to explain.
But I hold on to the way my body feels as I listen to the smooth, labored voice of Jax’s velvet tone as he continues to sing the song while he works the guitar in his lap.
“And all the roads we have to walk are winding.
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding.
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how.
Because maybe,
You're gonna be the one that saves me.
And after all,
You're my wonderwall.”
He sings the last of the chorus on repeat. The words mean something more to both of us in different ways as I see the passion in his actions, the way he’s looking up at me to make sure I’m listening and understanding. The way I feel the electricity bolt through me as I close my eyes and listen to the meaning of the words through his voice.
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how.
Everything in the world feels still. Like this moment only belongs to us. But mostly, I feel the erasure of all of the pain I’d ever endured. Like time is rewinding and healing all of the self-inflicted pain and the confusing emotions I’d gone through. Everything feels cured.
You're gonna be the one that saves me.
My heart feels less broken, and the heavy air seems to be lifting, even more so than I already allowed it.
Suddenly, Jax allows the song to die down and his fingers pause over the soundboard. I open my eyes to him looking at me like I’m the only thing in the world.
How did we get here? From riding bikes to watching each other learn new things to growing apart and having to learn everything all over again.
But there’s still the lost time that we have to unravel. And soon I start to feel the air lower back down to a comfortable level of suffocation, my cracks start to break from their threads and pain creeps back into the holes of my heart.
But it doesn’t feel as damaging as it did before. It aches a little less.
Jax doesn’t relent as he watches me come to a standstill with the war behind my eyes. And I shake all the bad thoughts and focus on the way he made me feel just moments ago.
“It’s calledWonderwall. The first time I heard it, it made me think of you. I never even really truly understood the lyrics, but your smile came up every time I listened to it.” His admission answers the question I asked him the day before our lives shifted.
After that day, we grew apart just a fracture. And then a fracture more. But it was enough to draw me closer to my admiration for him as more than my best friend as time went on.
“But now, after all this time, I feel like the lyrics mean more than I ever thought a song could relay. I know there’s,” he lowers the guitar back onto the floor and scoots in closer to me, “stuff between us that needs to be broken through and rebuilt. But I think I can understand a little about how you feel. Because, Hollis, the truth is, I never wanted to leave you. Not like that. I wanted more from where we left it. I thought about you every day I was gone, and it broke me to have to get over you. And I think I understand that I might have read the situation wrong and-”
I can’t take it.
No more talking.
My heart races as I interrupt him to practically jump in his lap and press my lips to his. He opens his arms to allow me to climb over him, placing my knees on either side of his thighs as his arms wrap around me and hold me by my lower back.
My hands are cupping his jaw as we fight for the kiss of our life.
Nothing has felt more real than this. Nothing feels more right than this.
He presses his tongue against the seam of my lips, and I don’t hesitate to let him in. We clash together in a fury of pain and lust and need. His fingers dig into my back and I absentmindedly grind into his lap, feeling the weight of his dick start to grow hard and I can’t help but let out a whimper.
“Hollis,” he says when I let him have a chance to breathe. Our kiss ends suddenly and both of us are gasping for air.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” I apologize but I don’t feel entirely apologetic or regretful from my actions. I lean back, still sitting in his lap and not feeling an ounce of motivation to move off him.
