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It's New Year's Eve. Which is a celebration in itself but it’s also my birthday. Despite me refusing to go out tonight, Jaelynn insisted, like she always does, and I couldn’t come up with a good enough excuse to get her off my back. Especially since she was already knocking on my door the moment I opened my mouth to deny her.
I unfortunately developed anxiety in high school. I think I got scared to go somewhere and have something happen to me like what happened with Jax. Even though I know it was probably all in my head, I still feared that I’d be stared at weirdly or that I’d be taken advantage of. I didn’t have my protector with me to help me get through it, and he was the reason I was struggling in the first place.
So I stopped doing things that required me to be social and interactive, protecting myself from potential humiliation or anything that might cause me to cry for no fucking reason. Because that happened a lot too.
I soon realized that bottling myself up like that was creating a warpath for all of the negative thoughts that chewed their way through my skin and burrowed into my veins. They just ate at me and ate at me while I tried to put on a brave face because I didn't understand what was wrong with me.
But months and even years had passed and things weren't getting better. I just got better at trying to hide it until I snapped.
Before I decided that I wanted to hurt myself, life just felt gray and gloomy and moving in slow motion toward an end that felt too hollow to desire. So I decided that my own self-inflicted pain was going to be the only pain that I was allowed to feel, demanding to take control of my own emotions again.
My therapist said my anxiety and depression stemmed from relying on one person for so long that when he left, I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. Rejection and being alone were both fears that developed from that, which now thinking back, is probably why I gave Liam a chance to begin with. They’d also say that some things in life are like a domino effect and though we might not deserve it or understand it, and some things might seem small and silly compared to others, it happens. And we just have to try and navigate the dominoes.
And here lies the scars of my mental breakdown, I think to myself as I absentmindedly trace the raised outlines of my actions that are now hidden under the colorful and whimsical lines of my tattoos.
At first, I wanted to get the tattoos to cover up the reminders of how much I hated myself, or how much I just hated being me. But then it turned into a coping mechanism for every time I wanted to feel that pain again and then it turned into a passion of mine. Which was to feel happy about myself, to start loving myself again. Slowly my changes that were only physical had started to bleed into emotional and mental ones. After three solid years of therapy, I finally found the courage to face the past, live in the present, and start my future. I was okay again.
I was hanging out with my friends, doing things I wanted to do. I explored different things in college and though it didn’t work out, I didn’t break down or give up. I just moved on to the next thing and kept my happiness flowing.
But when Jaxon came back to town a few months ago, I felt the panic start to spread. Like a windshield getting hit with a small pebble but slowly, the glass started to reveal more and more cracks as the days went by.
Maybe I left therapy too soon, only burying the past behind parts of me that were strong enough to keep them hidden instead of letting them go. But not even the strongest brick house in the world can keep out the Big Bad Wolf if he really wanted to get in. Tearing down your walls so intricately, pulverizing the barriers like a sport allowing your insecurities to show.
I think I learned too late that I am my own Big Bad Wolf.
My true adversary was always me.
I decided that I was too humiliated from the abandonment I had felt when he denied me and left for his future, that I allowed myself to disconnect from everything, including myself.
Jax never deserved the burden of my anger and blame. He didn’t deserve my hostility and rejection. I did to him exactly what he did to me and I thought I was protecting my own heart but really, I was depriving it of what it really needed. Love.
Love is what started this war, love is what has to end it.
"Hollis!?" I realize Jaelynn is yelling at me now, having obviously zoned out for a hot second.
I dust myself down and tuck my hair behind my ear, having cut it to just below my shoulder last weekend. I needed a change that was preferably cheaper than getting a tattoo, bills and all. So a new bob and fresh blue dyeis what I landed on.
"Sorry, I was just-"
"I know. I could tell. And we don't need to talk about him or anything else other than how fucking sexy you look." She picks up my hands and forces me into a ballet spin. I giggle because even though Jae isn't the best influence in the world, she does make me laugh and I know she has my best interest at heart.
But I stop my spin facing the long mirror next to my bed against the wall. I do look good. My tight leather pants form to all of my curves and my oversized gray sweatshirt hangs off one shoulder revealing the lace of my bralette strap. My dark red lipstick matches my shadowed eyelids and my fingers glint with different silver rings.
I've come a long way from who I once was.
And maybe, just maybe, I truly do owe part of that to Jax.
If he would have never left, I would have never gone through what I'd gone through, leading me ultimately to finding the best version of myself. Again, something that took me way too long to accept.
I feel Jae steady herself behind me and I can see the worry in her eyes through the mirror. I don't know what possesses me to ask, but I do.
"Do you think he'll show up?"
"Do you want him to show up?" she asks, giving me a chance to decide why my curiosity is in need of an answer.
Do I want to see him tonight?
"I don't know, I just feel like after all this time-"
