AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I missed you. After all this time, I was excited to come back and see you. But only to find you pushing me further away than I already was, which we need to talk about by the way. And let's not mention the fact that you're dating the only person who treated you like dirt growing up. What happened?” Jax stands back up and takes a few steps in my direction.
I try to push myself deeper into the lockers, but I know that won’t work. I can’t just hide from the situation. I know I’ll need to deal with all of this. But I don't want him too close, though at the same time, I kind of do.
“What happened is I grew up. I realized I was being naive and unreasonable." I fire at him, trying to sound sure of what I’m saying but I don’t know if I can even convince myself of that right now or not.
"Naive to what, Hollis? Let me help you-"
"I don't need your help, Jax. Didn't you hear me?" I lift myself up off the lockers, putting myself a little closer to his dangerously blue eyes, so I close my own and look toward the ground. "When I needed someone the most…hewas there for me."
A depressing but understandable quiet rolls between us like a silent storm, and I can feel his eyes are glued to the top of my head. And yes, there’s truth to what I just said. But I say it because I know it’s not what he wants to hear. I say it because he needs to let me go again so that I can learn how to cope with the pain.
I did so good after my accident, I did so well when I learned to pick myself back up. But he’s back and I can’t let myself sink any lower than I already have.
I can feel the disappointment sit thick in the air, leaving Jax and caressing my soul. I hate that he shows his emotions to me like that, because I feel so deeply. But he has no idea what kind of shit I’ve suffered through. Shit I didn't even know how to process because I didn't know why I was feeling that way in the first place.
“Liam.” His whisper is breathy and low-toned. Almost as if sadness seeps from his words.
But if I learned anything in therapy, it's that not one person is allowed to tell another person how valid or invalid their feelings are. So I have to try and push away my anger for him to let him feel whatever it is he's feeling.
I give myself a brief moment to look up at him, only to see that his eyes are now closed, sorrow covers his face like a blanket.
If only I would give up the control I am desperately trying to cling to and tell him what happened, maybe all of this would go away.
But it wouldn't solve anything, it wouldn't make it any better.
If anything, it might make it worse, and I can’t do worse.
I spent the better half of my late teens and early twenties navigating a depression I couldn't explain and an equally unexplainable pairing of some pretty self-harming thoughts. And to just relinquish that because he's demanding to understand is not something I'm mentally prepared for. There's a lot to unpack there and unfortunately for him, the trips we both got back from were very long ones.
But despite my better–or worse–judgment, I decide to give him a little, knowing that at some point something has to give.Someonehas to give. But I'm only going to give on my terms.
“He might have been a complete asshole when we were kids, but we werekids. I had no one after you left. I started to find myself and my parents weren't one hundred percent on board all of the time. And God, I love Jae, but that girl doesn't stop even when the party does. Liam was there for me. So when he asked me out, I gave him a chance. Something thatIwasn’t given.” My words fall out and hang around us like looming clouds. I know it can't be nice for him to hear, but I also didn't ask for him to come back yet alone, be so demanding of an explanation.
"My life didn't stop just because you left," I add.
He hooks his hand over the back of his neck, his arm flexing as he rubs his neck and hangs his head down. Like he's trying to suppress what he knows he probably isn't allowed to feel.
"Can we start over?" He opens his eyes and looks up at me, but I turn my head fast enough to not be caught in those baby blues.
It’s not a question I was expecting to hear him ask. It catches me off guard, but I know he's trying to reconcile, to get anything he can from me.
"I really don't think I can do that, Jax."
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Anger laces his tone this time.
“It means that I’m done with this conversation. I have to get back to work and I have other things I need to take care of right now.” I remove myself from the suffocating space between his warm, amber scent and the cold lockers, heading towards the door.
“Please don’t tell me you’re going to forgive him, Hollis.” Jax sounds defeated and confused, but it's not his decision to be confused about.
“And if I do, that’ll be my business.” I turn to face him.
“Okay, you’re right." He holds his palms up in front of him. "For whatever reason, I have to respect that, but I don’t see why the fuck we can’t start over? If I did something to make you feel this way, then let me fix it and we can try again.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, trying to visibly calm down because I can tell he's getting worked up.
I don’t answer him at first, I gave him too much just then and now, he wants more.
“I came all this way hoping to find you,” he adds in a breath that indicates how hollow I’ve made him feel.
“Well, here I am. You found me.” I lift up my shoulders and raise my brows a bit, putting on a very sarcastic show and it doesn’t do me much good which I realize when Jax stands and his demeanor changes a tad.
