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There’s a reason we always pulled back together, and I think it might be love.
I part my lips, about to say it back, before I can get to the L word, there’s something else I need to get out. This might not be the perfect moment, but at the same time, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I’m in a corner now, and I have to be truthful about everything.
Even if it’s hard, and I haven’t quite wrapped my head around the news myself.
“Alex, actually, before we talk about anything else, there’s something that I want to tell you.” I watch his face fall as I suck in a deep breath, trying to steady myself. I wasnotready for this conversation today. If I’d known that Alex was coming, I would have spent some time trying to plan an eloquent way to say all of this. But I don’t have time for that now, I just need to get it out in the open. “I haven’t been well since I’ve been here, and I thought it was just due to the stress of everything that we’ve been through.”
“Understandable,” Alex replies raspily, the color draining from his cheeks. It hits me that hisI love youis still hanging in the air, which is clearly making him anxious. I need to speed things along a little so he knows what is going on.
“Well, I ended up going to the doctor because it got so much worse.” There’s no need to mention the scene where my mother had to basically drag me along to the doctor’s office. “And he found out what’s wrong with me.” I bite down anxiously on my bottom lip. My heart is absolutely pounding against my rib cage so violently I don’t know how to handle it. “He found out that I’m…” My hand flutters down to my belly, but it doesn’t look like anything is clicking in Alex’s brain. I really am going to have to say it. “I’m pregnant. We’re having a baby.”
His eyes widen with surprise. It definitely takes him a couple of moments to drink this in, which I certainly can’t be mad about. I mean, I don’t know if I am adjusted yet. It really is a heavy load to take on board.
I only wish I could calm myself down. My whole body feels like I’m freaking out. I can’t catch my breath, and I can hardly hear anything over the thundering of my heart beat. I don’t know how much longer I can take his silence. My head is starting to ache with worry. If he walks out on me now, there’s nothing I’ll be able to do. I mean, I get it. Obviously. This wasn’t exactly in our plan, and it isn’t like we’ve been together for very long. Plus, it’s been a really dramatic time. Our dating life so far hasn’t exactly been fun and exciting. When we’re alone, it feels like we’re in the honeymoon period. But as soon as the rest of the world gets in the way, that all crumbles and falls apart.
If he doesn’t want this, then there’s nothing that I can do. I will be alone, making life-changing decisions all by myself. That is absolutely terrifying.
“Wow,” Alex eventually gasps, as soon as he’s able to get words out. “Really? You’re having a baby? That’s…”
“Weare having a baby,” I remind him, just in case I didn’t make it clear that he’s the father. I thought that would be clear since I’ve only been with him in the last… Well, in the last few months. “If that’s what you want, I mean.”
He swallows hard.
Now I’m starting to see how hard it was for Alex to wait for an answer after he said he loves me. I still haven’t given him an answer for that, but I don’t think this is the time.
“I know this is crazy.” I have to fill the silence somehow. “I wasn’t expecting it, and I’m sure this has come as a shock to you as well. If you need some time…”
All of a sudden, he shakes his head and takes a step closer to me. He opens his arms wide and invites me in for a hug. I don’t fall against him again just yet. I need to know what he’s going to say next first. It’s like I’m frozen to the spot.
“Riley, I know this is shocking,” he finally tells me. “But actually, this is really good news. Like I said, I love you. I have fallen in love with you. No one has ever made me feel the way that you do. I don’t want anything more than to be with you forever. Maybe we weren’t expecting to start a family now, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t.”
“Really?” I cock my head to one side curiously. “You aren’t freaking out?”
“Maybe a little bit… on the inside,” he says with a laugh, which catches me off guard. I find myself laughing as well. “But I think that this is something we can do together.”
I blow out a breath of relief. “Really? You want to do this?”
Before he hugs me, he frowns thoughtfully. “Well, I mean, that is if you do too. I don’t know how set you are on being in Cold Springs, but my whole life is in New York City. Even though itwouldbe great to leave all that behind, and just stay here right now, especially with all the issues going on around us. So that’s something we need to consider as well.”
I see what he means, and it makes my heart sink.
If Alex and I love one another, and we want to be together as a family to make this work, then we’ll have to face up to all the issues that I ran away from. My job, the media, the trolls, the city… Can I do it?
“I want you to come and live with me,” Alex declares as he takes my hand in his. He strokes my hands, reminding me that I’m not alone in any of this. He’s with me. As hard as it’s been, he has always been there for me. “I don’t want to leave you on your own anymore, facing people following you and sending you weird stuff. I want you to come to my apartment where I have great security. And I will increase that as well. I’ll get the best cameras possible. I’ll make sure there are alarms, whatever you need. You won’t need to worry anymore.”
I smile thinly at him. I really do want to live with Alex and see how this would work out. I really think that Alex and I have something special and that we could go the whole way, given half the chance.
I just need to work out if this is a risk I’m willing to take.
“Alex, I love you too,” I say. I didn’t realize how badly I really needed to get these words out. I need him to know how I feel. I don’t want him to have it hanging in the air any longer. “I really do. And I want to make this work. I’m just scared.”
He rests his forehead against mine, staring lovingly into my eyes. It’s so easy to forget about the rest of the world when we’re staring at one another like this. Looking at Alex in this way, I can envision us really enjoying a happily ever after. A family, more kids, a marriage, love… real love unlike anything we have ever had before.
It could all be so beautiful, if we let it.
“I am scared, Alex,” I confess. I don’t know how much clearer I can make this. “But I do really want to be with you. I do want to do this. So yeah, I think I can just about cope with going back to the city.”
His face breaks out into the widest grin I have ever seen. “Riley, I will make sure that everything is okay. I promise you. I know it isn’t going to be the easiest thing for you to do, I know it’s been a tough time. But I do think it’ll be worth it. I swear, I will do whatever it takes.”
