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It makes me want things that I know I’ll never have, that I should never hope for. It’s influencing too many of my thoughts already.
“Why? Are you tired of calling me Sunshine?” She teases, readjusting her Apple watch on her wrist. My eyes are drawn there, then up her arms and across her shoulders and chest. The skin is mostly exposed since she’s only wearing a strappy tank top of some sort.
“Definitely not, but it feels rude not to know your name. Especially since we’re becoming such regular acquaintances.” I forcefully tear my eyes from her collarbones. She laughs again, making me mentally pat myself on the back.
She’s an entirely new person this morning. The fragile state she was in yesterday is long gone, or well tapped down. If she’s still worried about Kyle, she doesn’t show it.
“Is that what we are? Acquaintances?” She asks. Except, she’s not joking around, she’s serious.
“I don’t know. What would you want us to be?” I can’t help the suggestive tone in my voice, nor can I pretend like I haven’t thought about what her lips taste like. Or how it would feel to have her long hair wrapped around my fist…
“Friends?” She asks simply, her eyes wide and hopeful.
“What would it take to be your friend, Sunshine?” I’m not selfish, I can be friends. Being a friend is safe when this town is temporary for me.
“Well, I guess all my friends know my name.” She shrugs, popping in her headphones. She takes off running down the street before I can utter another word. I have to faintly remind myself that friends shouldn’t stare at their friends’ asses while they run, no matter how good they look in those tight pants.
I have all of the intelligence necessary on my work computer to track down her information. I could look up her address, type in her license plate, and probably even conduct a quick Google search, but where is the fun in that?
She wants to play a game. I’ll play.
Hanging around her long enough to figure out her name seems simple enough. The slight distraction from this undercover case might be the only thing that will get me through it.
Chapter Ten
Thea
Was I flirting? Was he? That felt like flirting but it’s been so long since I’ve felt comfortable enough to openly talk to a man I’m attracted to, let alone flirt.
I crave so badly to be wanted by him, and even though I know it would never work, I selfishly want to try. It doesn’t matter how many years of therapy I’ve gone through, somehow all of my invisible wounds won’t go away.
When I first saw his truck parked outside of my house this morning, I was terrified. I panicked thinking it might be Kyle because I didn’t recognize it. I was glued to my window, peering out at the faded blue truck until my eyes dried out from not blinking.
It wasn’t until I was on my porch that I recognized the sleeping form in the driver’s seat and ease washed over me. Despite barely knowing him, I felt comfortable enough to walk up to his window and ask him why he was in front of my house.
That’s unusual for me. I’m an avoider and I don’t confront people. Especially not men. I’m getting too complacent around him already. My sprouting feelings are clouding the judgment skills I’ve curated over the last few years.
I need to tell him the truth before things go any further. The last thing I want is for him to think I’m leading him on. I told him I wanted to be friends, that seems specific enough, but I can’t deny how incredibly drawn to him I am. How I melt whenever he even looks in my direction. Or, how my neurons fire a million miles a minute when he speaks to me.
I want him so badly I could cry but it doesn’t matter. I will never trick someone into pursuing me, knowing that I can never give them a normal relationship. I’ll never put myself in a situation where my significant other feels misled. Never again.
I push myself to run faster. Punishing myself for daring to dream that I could have him. By the time I reach my halfway point, tears are streaming down my face. I look into the trees that sit at the edge of town a few miles from my house and scream into the depths of the forest.
“It’s not fair! My life was taken from me! IT’S NOT FAIR!” I scream until my throat burns.
Luckily it’s early, and there’s never anyone around this area when I’m on my run. There’s no one to subject my crazy to this fine morning.
By the time I complete the miles back to my house, I feel relatively put back together. My runner’s high doesn’t give me euphoria, it simply pulls me from the depth of my depression and lets me pretend to feel somewhat normal. Plus, the early morning sun supplies a healthy dose of vitamin D, so that helps.
Trudging up my porch steps, I admire the view since that’s all I’ll ever have. Jay’s muscled backside is facing me as he messes with my door. It’s so domestic, so normal.
“Hey,” I say a little breathlessly from my run.
“I’m almost done.” He spends a few more seconds tightening a screw before turning around, holding my new key, and flashing his killer smile. It makes me breathless for other reasons.
“For me? You shouldn’t have.” I laugh as I grab the key from him, careful to only touch the brass. “Thank you. Really.”
“No worries, Sunshine.” He winks. Friends don’t wink. Or at least they shouldn’t when they’re as attractive as he is.
