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She couldn’t stand here forever. Cora shuffled woodenly back to the bedroom. She was still naked and didn’t have the energy to get changed now.
She looked at the bed and flinched. No way could she sleep here, not with the memories that bed now held.
Cora shuffled back to the living room and flopped down on the couch. She’d sleep here for now. Tomorrow, she’d go back to her bedroom. For now, she was too shellshocked to do much else except lie there. She didn’t know if it was minutes or hours later that she finally drifted off.
9
Agnes
Agnes’ panic fueled her all the way home and through the front door, but as the door closed, some of the blind terror seemed to ease.
The feeling of rushing headlong toward something she couldn’t control eased, and horror began to sink in.
What had she just done? Cora had told Agnes she loved her, and Agnes had taken that love and thrown it back in her face.
She very nearly turned around right then and there—nearly drove straight back to Cora’s place and begged for forgiveness.
She didn’t, though. Not only could she not face Cora but she couldn’t face herself, face the nasty truth about herself that Cora’s confession brought to life.
She was a terrible person. Agnes was still in love with Jackie. She’d known that going into this thing with Cora, but she’d really fucked it up. Now, she was in love with Cora too. And yet, instead of saying it back, she had freaked out and ran.
Agnes had promised she wouldn’t hurt Cora again, and now she’d gone and done just that. She realized that she was standing frozen in the hall and forced her feet to move, going to her room and falling heavily onto the bed. She curled up in a ball on her side, cupping her knees and trying to think.
She could try to take it back. It may not be too late if she went back now and groveled.
But she was terrified—terrified of taking this step that meant she would be letting go of Jackie forever. If she committed to Cora in this way, things would never be the same.
Agnes was torn between her love for the two women, one living and one dead. She desperately didn’t want to forget the way Jackie’s voice sounded when she just woke up or the sparkle in her eyes when she knew something Agnes didn’t. There were so many precious memories that Agnes found slipping further and further from her mind by the day.
At the same time, she ached to make more memories with Cora. She remembered Cora’s look of delighted surprise when Agnes persuaded her to try pistachio ice cream and she realized she liked it. Her screams of delight as they rode that insane water slide.
The memories were very different to the ones she had with Jackie, but one thing was the same—the warm, glowing feeling she felt inside when she brought them up in her mind’s eye.
What the fuck was she supposed to do? It wasn’t like Agnes didn’t have people she could call for advice, but she knew what they would say. Don’t live in the past. Try again. Cora is perfect for you.
She knew all of that, and yet, she couldn’t bring herself to get up off the bed or even pick up her phone and try to call Cora.
Agnes stayed awake all night, torn over what to do. When the sun started rising, she still had no answer.
Under usual circumstances, when she was feeling as awful as she was now, Agnes would take a sick day. Today, however, she needed to be at work. She had to see Cora. Maybe looking into Cora’s eyes again would somehow answer the questions screaming within Agnes’ mind.
Perhaps it would have, but Agnes never found out. Cora refused to so much as look at her.
Whenever their paths crossed, Cora looked determinedly over Agnes’ shoulder, and Agnes didn’t have the courage to try to talk to her when she was looking so forbidding.
Like the coward she was, Agnes retreated to her office. Maybe space was what Cora needed. Maybe it was what they both needed.
Even in her head, it sounded like a lie.
The next day was the same.
So was the day after that.
On the fourth day since her meltdown, Agnes decided to bite the bullet and talk to Cora. Cora seemed to have figured out how to avoid her, and Agnes didn’t need to guess why. The nurses were all giving her dirty looks whenever she came within their sight.
She didn’t think Cora would have told anyone about their relationship—their past relationship, she thought sadly—but it must be clear to anyone that something had happened between them. Agnes didn’t know what Cora had let slip that had given the nurses the impression it was all her fault, but she could hardly complain. It was all her fault, after all.
So, now her schedule was being managed to keep her away from Cora. Agnes didn’t try to fight the nursing staff on this. She knew where the true power of this hospital lay and it was not with her. Without the nurses, this place would fall apart within a day.
