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“I don’t know.” She sighs. “I’ll tell Dakota about you in the morning. Spend what time you can with her. After the funeral, I’ll meet with an attorney and let the courts figure it out.” She walks out then, leaving me sitting there, my heart in my stomach, staring after her.
I watch the video over and over, listening to Samantha’s sobs as the picture jolts from her running. I try my damndest to remember what happened on the date embedded in the video, but I can’t remember anything. Back then, I was in so much pain. I was eating pain medicine like it was candy. I was also drinking more and more, trying to forget the accident.
I had been pushing Samantha further and further away because I was afraid she was going to leave me and I couldn’t face that possibility, so I was trying to force her to either stay with me or go. Is that what happened? Did I take my pain and fear and let it grow into the monster that would cheat on the woman I loved to protect me from the inevitable heartache I was facing?
I know it’s not an excuse. There are none. How could I grow up in a house where my dad cheated on my mom constantly and followed in his footsteps?
I hated the pain I always saw in my mom’s eyes when Dad would come home smelling of another woman’s perfume. When Mom died, I swore it was from heartbreak. After her death, I vowed to never turn into the man who was raising me.
I also vowed never to fall in love, never to let anyone get close enough that we could end up hurting each other. That turned out just peachy. I fell for the one girl I shouldn’t have and then I broke us. I broke her. And I don’t even remember doing it.
And why has Autumn never mentioned it to me? Not once has she ever brought up that day. I stand up from the sofa and peer back at it, seeing what Samantha saw when I offered her a seat. That was why she went so pale.
Looking at the exact spot where I betrayed her trust in me must have triggered her. Matt and Oli’s silence makes more sense now as well. They must know the truth. Have they always known? Or did they just find out like I did?
The bottle of whiskey sitting on the island calls to me, begging me to take a drink. I grab a glass and pick up the bottle. As soon as the lid is off, I turn the bottle up to my lips and take a long pull straight from the bottle.
The burn of the liquor sliding down my throat feels good, so I take another. My thoughts go back to the video and I decide that I’d rather face oblivion at the bottom of the bottle than continue facing what I’ve done.
“Come on, baby. You need to get up. You have an appointment with the surgeon in an hour.” Samantha whispers, kissing across my brow.
“Leave me alone Sunshine,” I whisper groggily. “Fuck the surgeon. It doesn’t matter, anyway. I’ll never ride again.”
“It matters Shane. If you don’t follow through with your care plan, you may never walk unaided again.”
“I don’t care,” I yell, throwing the bottle of water Samantha hands me into the wall and watching it splatter to the floor.
“Don’t say that, Shane. You know you care. You may not ride bulls anymore, but there’s still so much you can do.”
“Yeah? Shovel shit for the rest of my life while you become some bigshot songwriter?” I ask angrily.
“No, like managing the ranch. Would that be so bad?”
“Yes! It would be that bad. I’m supposed to take care of you. Not the other way around, and all I’m going to do now is hold you back from following your dreams.” I complain for what seems like the millionth time.
“It doesn’t matter. We can stay right here. As long as we’re together, that’s all that matters. I told you I’d never leave you. I’m yours. Always, remember?”
“I wish I didn’t,” I say and roll back over facing the wall and not looking at Samantha. “Just go away,” I order.
“You don’t mean that,” Samantha replies, shocked at the vehemence in my voice.
“I do. Every word. I don’t want to be with you anymore, Samantha. How much clearer can I be? I. Don’t Want. You.” I emphasize every word.
Samantha runs out of the room sobbing. I hear the door slam when she leaves the barn. I didn’t know that would be the last time we’d be together.
A kick to my bad leg rouses me from sleep. I’m on the floor, my back leaning on the island. “Really, man?” Matt looks at me, clearly disappointed.
I groan as I try to get up, but I realize quickly I’m not moving from this spot anytime soon when nausea hits me and my leg locks up, causing me to fall back against the granite and close my eyes. I turn my face so that it’s against the cool stone. The coldness is refreshing and helps with my nausea a little.
“Get the fuck up.” Matt orders, grabbing my arm and pulling me to my feet. I forget how strong he is now. All that working out he does to stay fit in hopes Brianna will come crawling back has made my best friend quite a beast.
“Fine.” I groan again when I stand.
I sway and catch myself on the edge of the island. I take deep breaths to stave off the churning in my stomach. It doesn’t help and I manage to just make it to the sink when my stomach exits my mouth.
“I’ve never seen you puke from drinking before,” Matt observes.
“Not the alcohol,” I say back and point to the phone I left lying on the table.
