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Dakota quickly agrees, the promise of so much sweetness, something she can’t refuse. Matt comes over and grabs plates from the cabinet. He doesn’t speak to me, which isn’t normal. “You alright, man?” I ask.
He looks at Samantha, then back at me. “I will be,” is his response as he walks away.
Samantha goes to follow. I grab her arm, and she jerks violently, pulling away from me with a hiss. I lift both hands in the air to show her I mean her no harm. The look in her eyes reminds me of a scared animal. What is going on with everyone?
“We need to talk.” I declare.
Samantha studies me for a minute and just when I think she’ll refuse, she responds, “I know.”
“When?” I ask. I’m trying to make this easier for both of us.
“Later.” Is all the answer I get? “I need to get in there with Dakota. Otherwise, she’ll talk Matt or Ellen into letting her eat her pancake first. Then she won’t touch her eggs.” She explains, pointing over her shoulder toward the dining room.
“Yeah, go ahead. Enjoy breakfast.”
“You’re not joining us?”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“You can’t just leave,” Samantha argues.
“Why not? You did.” I snark back.
The look of hurt that crosses her face slays me. The words are true though, aren’t they? She left without a word.
“I didn’t mean you can’t leave because of me.” She explains. “I was talking about you can’t leave Dakota. She’ll want you to try the pancakes.”
“Right. Well, I’ll be right there.”
Samantha goes to eat her breakfast, but I stay back for a moment. I sigh a long breath and run my hands through my hair. Just like always, I let Samantha get to me. I take the time alone to gather myself again before I join my daughter at the table.
Dakota is so excited about the pancakes she made, that everyone has to eat one. They all praise her for a job well done. Oli never makes it to breakfast and when I ask Matt, he just tells me Oli was busy.
He’s never too busy to eat with us. Ellen asks if he’s feeling well and Matt tells her the same thing he told me. Oli is busy. Ellen lets it slide with orders to make sure he’s at the dinner table later tonight.
After breakfast, Manuel takes Dakota to see the horses. She asks us all to come, but I have work to do. And I still need to have a conversation with Samantha.
It’s clear that Dakota doesn’t know who I am to her and I don’t want to fuck up anything with my little girl by telling her too soon. I don’t know how this works. I was hoping to catch Samantha before I headed out to the fields, but she took off after Manuel and Dakota, the promise to take the latter for a ride more important.
It’s my understanding that Ellen packed them lunch, so I imagine Samantha plans to ride for a while. Probably to take in the ranch since it’s been so long. That means she’ll see all the changes that have taken place.
Will she look at them and know that everything different was my idea? Will it somehow make her proud to know that even though my dreams changed, I still bounced back, placing my concentration on other things? Successful things.
I spend the day working in the fields, doing everything I can to keep my mind clear of thoughts of Samantha, Dakota, and Wayne’s impending funeral. I enjoy managing the ranch, but there’s something to be said about laboring in the sun and making sure the crops are healthy.
Everything looks wonderful, and the cowhands and farmers can leave work a little early. They jump at the chance to have a rare weeknight off. I hear plans being made for a night out at the local bar. Others are excited to take their significant other out on the town.
Their exuberance brings a slight grin to my face. This wouldn’t be possible if Wayne weren’t open to the changes I had running through my mind. I’m like a proud papa when I leave the men to their planning.
Dinner won’t be ready for a while yet, so I grab a horse from its stall and ride. It isn’t often I can take in the scenery from atop my favorite mare. Usually, I’m stuck in one of the side-by-sides.
I ride for a while until I notice the sky darkening. Cresting the hill back toward the house, I stop. The sun is setting, but that’s not what grabs my attention. In the distance, I hear laughter and I know immediately it’s Samantha.
I haven’t heard that laugh in so long that it jars me. I look ahead and see her with Dakota as she pushes her on the old tire swing. It spins in circles and Dakota shrieks in happiness.
Even from this distance, I can see the smile on Samantha’s face. It’s the same smile that she used to grace me with. It used to light up the darkness. Now when I see it, all I feel is pain.
Pain for a past I missed out on. Pain for a future lost to me. I’ve gone over and over it in my mind and I can’t pinpoint when or where it all went wrong. It couldn’t have been the accident.
