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I swung my legs over the side of the bed and scrubbed a hand down my face. Sleep didn’t come easily. Then again, it hadn’t since the day Hannah was attacked. That night changed my life forever. In some ways, it was for the best. But I also lost Hannah because I wasn’t there for her.
I warred with myself on a daily basis over whether or not I made the right choice. If I had gone to prison, I would have been out in a year. Yeah, I would have had a record, but Hannah wouldn’t have been alone. Then again, because of my stint in the military, I made something of myself and made the world a better place. At least, that’s what I told myself on nights when I couldn’t sleep.
My skin was burning below the surface. The need to shoot up was overwhelming this morning, but I had been clean since the night Johnny stopped those men from breaking into my house. It was thewakeup call I needed. If he hadn’t been here, I would be dead right now. I was sleeping off my last hit and was totally out of it until I heard the chaos in the next room. That could never happen again if I wanted to survive this job.
I shoved out of bed and walked over to the window, peeking through the blinds to study the neighborhood. I didn’t know much about my neighbors yet thanks to my addiction. But I was feeling better today. Yeah, I still wanted the drugs, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been the past week.
What I needed was a cold shower and a good breakfast. I turned for the bathroom, catching sight of my phone lying on the table. All it would take was one phone call.
I stormed past the desk and slammed the bathroom door behind me. I would not call my dealer. I didn’t need the drugs and taking them would ruin everything I’d accomplished in the past week. I turned on the water and quickly stripped before stepping under the cold shock of water.
As it slid down my body, I rested my head against the wall and tried to push the staggering need from my head. I needed a distraction from my addiction. That was the only way to get through the day. I snatched the washcloth off the bar and lathered up the soap. As I washed up, I couldn’t help but notice how different my body was. I tried to stay in shape while I was in prison, but it wasn’t the same as being back with my team and training every single day, pushing my body to the limit.
I’d lost some muscle definition and my body was bordering on lanky. This wasn’t me. I didn’t ever allow myself to lose sight of what was important. This man I had become in the name of the job was fucking with my head. Even my hair was longer than I normally liked it.
I shut the water off and wrapped a towel around my waist. I needed to get back out there and train. It would set my mind right and help me forget what I really wanted. I didn’t have my normal training gear, so I grabbed some sweatpants and a t-shirt, then slid into my ratty gym shoes. I needed to earn some money so I could afford better shoes.
The old me had plenty of money, but I couldn’t go near that and keep up the appearances of a junkie just released from prison. I hated living like this, but again, it was for the job.
As soon as my feet hit the pavement, I felt just a small shred of my old self worming its way back into my body. It wasn’t easy to get back into the swing of running. At the prison, I could lift weights, but running wasn’t something I got to do very often. I was in the hole too many times. And I could feel the strain with every step I took. My thighs burned from the exertion, but it was a good burn. I just had to keep pushing until I was back to the man I used to be.
I was out of breath and had a terrible stitch in my side by the time I got back to my house forty-five minutes later. I bent over and sucked in deep breaths, then stretched out my legs as I discreetly checked out the neighborhood. Not many people were awake at this hour. Most of the people on this street were part of Baz’s network, which was why it surprised me when my neighbor walked out the door with a small kid.
I stretched one arm across my chest as I studied this woman. She had brown hair pulled up into a ponytail and she wore blue scrubs with white tennis shoes. She didn’t fit the profile of anyone in this area, so why was she living in that small blue house with tulips out front?
She glanced over her shoulder and stopped the instant she saw me, then quickly finished buckling her kid before getting in the driver’s seat. As she drove away, I saw her look at me one last time with a worried expression on her face. She should be nervous. She lived in a terrible neighborhood, surrounded by the shittiest people in the city. This was no place for her or her kid, but that wasn’t my problem. I had only one thing to focus on and that was worming my way further into the organization and taking it down.
3
SKYLAR
A sliverof fear skated down my spine as I drove past my new neighbor. He was handsome, even if he did look like a drug dealer. I knew all too well that the good looking ones were trouble. That’s why I was in this mess to begin with. But I couldn’t regret what I got out of my relationship with Rico.
I glanced in the rearview mirror and smiled at Parker. He took on my own family’s traits more than Rico’s, thank God. With short brown hair and blue eyes, he was a little mini-me, always smiling and laughing, something Rico hated. He wanted his kid to be hard and tough like him, and when Parker cried, Rico would yell at him for being too soft. Thankfully, Rico went to prison, and since he got out, he hadn’t been around to see his son.
“Mama, look!” He held up his fingers and laughed because he finally figured out how to cross them.
“Good job, buddy,” I smiled at him in the rearview mirror. “Are you excited for school today?”
“Yep! Ms. Sally said we’re…we’re doing letters today!”
Parker was doing so well in preschool, something Rico didn’t think was necessary, but I was determined to give him a better life than his father had. There was no way in hell I was letting him turn into agangbanger at the age of thirteen. I just had to save up enough money to disappear for good. Baz had a long reach, though. He wouldn’t let us go easily, something he reminded me of whenever he stopped by for a surprise visit.
I pulled into the preschool parking lot and shut off the car, twisting in my seat to see my son. “I have to work late tonight, so I’ll be here at six-thirty for you.”
“Okay, mama.” His voice was understanding, but his eyes dropped to his lap as a frown appeared on his face.
“Hey, we’ll go to the zoo this weekend, okay? I have the whole weekend off.”
That immediately cheered him up. It pained me to see him so sad. I wished we could be like other families that had both parents there to support their children, but that would never happen. We’d have to make the best of things and deal with the circumstances before us.
I helped Parker out of the car and walked him inside. His mood brightened even further when he saw Ms. Sally. His hand slipped from mine as he ran across the room and flung his body into her arms. She nearly toppled over when he crashed into her.
“Parker,” I reprimanded. “You need to be gentle. Remember, Ms. Sally just had surgery.”
“Oh, I’ve healed from that,” she chided me. “I’m not even walking with crutches anymore.”
“Still…” She still walked with a limp after her knee surgery. I wasn’t about to have my kid set back her progress. I bent down in front of Parker and turned him to face me. “I want you to be good for Ms. Sally today. You do whatever she asks you to do, no questions.”
