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“But at least I had happiness for a while. When have you had any?” she asked.
I’d thought I had happiness with Collin, but there had been only little pieces of it wrapped up in a big lie. I’d had joy holding Ella in my arms briefly. That emotion abided in a lesser form as I wrote to her.
But it wasn’t happiness. I’d given up believing in that for me, like I’d given up on many things.
“Happiness is a temporary emotion,” I said. “It comes and goes, depending on circumstances. I have something better.”
“Which is?”
“You.” I turned over and hugged her. “And you have me.”
“But what if—”
“Go to sleep, Rach,” I said, doing the interrupting this time.
I wouldn’t lose her, and she wouldn’t lose me. The universe wouldn’t be so cruel. I’d started my life with her, and I was going to end it with her.
I went up on an elbow, then leaned down and pressed my lips to her cheek.
Her breathing evened out shortly after that. I regulated mine so if she woke again, she would think I was asleep. But I stayed awake for a long time.
Thinking about Barry.
Addy
“You’re wearing makeup to work out?” Rachel asked, coming up behind me in the bathroom the next morning.
Busted, I set the tube down on the little glass shelf beneath the pitted mirror. “It’s just lip gloss.”
Her eyes met mine as I turned. “Is there a guy you like at the gym?”
Was Barry a guy I liked? He seemed like so much more. A best friend I’d once told all my secrets and fears to. A boy I’d kissed that made the girl I was believe in a chance for us.
But as a woman, I knew that wasn’t possible.
I narrowed my gaze. “Don’t you have motherly things to do?”
“You do have someone you like.” Reading between the lines of my evasiveness with ease, she exaggerated batting her lashes. “No wonder you couldn’t sleep. Give me details.”
“I have to go.” I brushed past her. “Bathroom’s all yours.”
“Talk to me,” she said as she followed me out. “Don’t be a coward, Adelaide Lucy Footit.”
I glared at her over my shoulder. “Don’t be nosy, Rachel Eleanor Walsh.”
She wrinkled her cute nose. “You got the way cooler Beatle-inspired middle name.”
“Nominally.” I entered the main living area where Claire had popped up from the sleeper. “Sorry to wake you,” I told her on my way to the door to escape my sister’s third degree and exit the apartment.
“S’okay,” Claire mumbled, scraping her long blond hair out of her eyes.
“Details later at work,” Rachel called out after me, and I could hear the amusement in her voice. “Don’t rush. I’ll take the bus. Take your time working out.”
Shaking my head, I stepped outside and closed the door. My footsteps were faster than they usually were on the landing and then the stairs. My Explorer sputtered a little as it started, but evened out once it warmed up.
My heart did all kinds of sputtering when I arrived at the gym. Though I headed straight to my favorite treadmill by the wall, I didn’t traverse the rows between the machines alone.
“Morning.” Barry appeared at my side nearly instantaneously, the only warning of his approach the fresh, woodsy scent of his cologne.
