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“She’s one of those people who puts herself out there for everyone else,” I said. “She was a lifesaver for me and everyone she cared about. If it wasn’t for her after our mom died ...” I paused to swallow, needing to clear the lump from my throat. That was the point when everything went bad that was unfixable. “Well, we would have both sunk. But though she tried, Rach couldn’t save everyone.”
Andy and Collin had been lost. I was lost too, living only half a life.
“Aunt Addy.” Claire touched my arm. “Are you okay?”
No, I wasn’t okay. But I was better with her and her mother here.
“Sorry, baby.” I shook my head and refocused. “I got lost in the past. With your mom here again, it seems like we lost them just yesterday.” Tears filled my eyes.
“Lost who?” she whispered.
“Andy first to heroin, which killed the record deal since he sang lead. Then ...” I paused again, tears choking my words and wetness warming my skin.
“Then we lost Collin, our lead guitarist.” Rachel appeared, opening her arms, and I gratefully stepped into them. “Though Collin was lost to us long before the accident.”
“You’re right,” I said, though my voice was muffled with my face pressed against Rachel’s shoulder. “Collin was never the same after Andy OD’d.”
“Andy and Collin were best friends. Each other’s wingman before the band,” Rachel said while stroking my shoulder. “Sometimes a best friend can make all the difference in the world.”
Barry was my best friend. I knew who she meant, and he had made all the difference when he’d been around.
Rachel wedged a finger under my chin and lifted it, staring into my eyes. She had more truth to impart, and I braced for it.
“But we both know that what sent Collin barreling down the one-way road that ended in him dying was losing you.”
Addy
Iclosed the door to my office and moved around my desk. Sinking into the worn, familiar leather chair, I blinked quickly, clearing the stinging emotion from my eyes.
Rachel couldn’t know how deeply her words had cut me. If she did, she wouldn’t have said them.
Didn’t she remember that Collin had been doing drugs during our relationship? I couldn’t forget. Yes, I was responsible for the demise of our relationship, holding back the parts of me and my life that I thought made me unlovable, but I didn’t force the powder up his nose or the needle in his veins. And I certainly didn’t sleep with anyone else while we were together.
I wished for a pen and my notebook, but I dropped my forehead onto the blotter on my desk instead.
Don’t cry over him anymore.
I breathed in for three counts and breathed out the same. Lifting my head a few moments later, I felt a little better. The hurt feelings remained, but I controlled them and not the other way around.
I swiveled my chair to face my computer. My hands trembled a bit, but I placed my fingers on the keys and focused on work. I set the past in the past. Now was now. I’d had lots of practice compartmentalizing and was good at it.
I found an old advertisement for the busser position, changed the wording a bit to draw attention to the living quarters I was offering with the job, and then I sent it to off. We desperately needed a new busser. If I didn’t get any applications, I’d have to up the hourly wage.
I wasn’t opposed to washing dishes or hard work. I did what was necessary. Cleaning grease traps, refinishing tables, whatever it took. I was a business owner. But I wasn’t getting any younger. I’d be thirty-five soon. With whatever free time I had, I preferred to spend it with Rachel and Claire.
What about Barry?
I glanced at the closed door, then back at my computer, feeling guilty for even thinking of looking him up. It wasn’t just my sister hinting about him. I thought about him a lot. Too much.
My heart pounding with nerves, I typed his name in the search bar. I moved my finger to theENTERkey but didn’t press it. Though it wouldn’t hurt anything for me to know where he was or what he was doing, Martin still had people watching Footit’s—I knew this without a doubt. But he couldn’t hack into my computer. Could he?
I didn’t know, and I couldn’t risk it. Even for curiosity. I well-remembered what had happened to Paul, and Barry was another matter entirely. After having witnessed my kiss with Barry, Martin hated him nearly as much as Collin.
I was just pushing away from my computer when a notification dinged. I went to my emails, thinking I might already have an applicant for the busser position. But it was something else entirely.
In shock, I stared at the monitor. My eyes were locked on the name and subject.
[email protected] How are you?
