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“Yes, you’re right,” I managed to say while tears flooded my eyes. “I should, but I can’t right now.”
“Why not now?”
I couldn’t talk about Ella, not with her, not with anyone, probably not ever. I was more ashamed of losing her than anything I’d endured from Martin.
“Teresa said you weren’t feeling well. That you’re depressed. Is that because of what Martin did to you?”
“Yes,” I said.And no.
It was more because of what I did. What I failed to do. I hadn’t protected my daughter, and I’d lost her. But Rachel had a daughter and a husband. At least one of the Footit sisters had gotten it right.
“I’m happy for you, Rachel.” I was, but that happiness rang dully inside me.
“You don’t sound happy.”
Would I ever be happy again? Had I ever really been? It seemed to me I’d always been working toward a goal, a future moment in time when I could finally give myself permission to be happy.
“I have to go.” I loved hearing my sister’s voice. It reminded me that I wasn’t totally alone, but it hurt too much right now.
“Donotcut me out of your life again. I expect to hear from you. I expect you to come visit.”
I didn’t say anything.
“This is where you say yes, Addy.”
I thought about my sister and her baby. I had a niece. I couldn’t manage it right now, but I had to see them. I couldn’t allow Martin to isolate me anymore, but on the other hand, Rachel had moved on to a better life. One that I didn’t belong in.
Feeling unsure and overwhelmed, I glanced across the table. Teresa reached across it and took my hand.
“Yes, I’ll come.”
Eventually. Eventually, I would pick up the pieces and move on with my life such as it was. Somehow.
But it would never be the same. I would never be the same again.
Addy
Focusing on what I did have, I made the decision to move forward. Communication with my sister, though at a distance, and my niece that I had yet to see.
The first thing I did was eat my soup with Teresa. Then I thanked her again for being a good friend, and sent her home to be with her daughter. After she left, I realized how bad I smelled. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d showered.
Walking out of the bathroom into the living room with a towel wrapped around me after a long, hot, therapeutic shower, I remained the same person who had been dirty before, but at least I was clean.
Unexpectedly, I discovered clothing that fit me in the dresser drawers in my bedroom. They weren’t designer things, but they were the sedate styles and muted colors that Grace favored. I had a feeling they were her doing, and that she’d stocked the toiletries too.
But as soon as I let her into my thoughts, I tried to sweep her out of them.
She might have fondness for me, but she’d betrayed me. She had my daughter. Was she rocking her right now? Feeding her a bottle? Was Ella clasping her finger?
Pain nearly cleaving me in two, I faltered, unable to move. Barely able to breathe, I was frozen.
Stop, Addy.I counted to three, managed a shallow breath, then another.
I couldn’t allow thoughts like those to percolate. They would send me back to my bed and that long, dark tunnel. I couldn’t feel sorry for myself. I made the decision to wake up, not go back to sleep again.
Turning my back to the bed, I found a clean sleep shirt and put it on. When I returned to the living room, I glanced around. The one-bedroom apartment wasn’t familiar, and with just me inside it, it was far too large. I noted the stillness. My room at the shelter had been smaller. Or maybe it was just that I felt smaller and emptier now without Ella.
My vision blurred as my eyes filled with tears.
