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But I don’t want perfection.
I don’t want someone who seems perfect for me, someone who never has a hair out of place and is always manicured. Someone who won’t show me their damaged parts I want to see the dark. I want to see that part because everyone it is wounded in some way. Everyone has those parts of themselves that they hide from the world but reveal to the one they trust. That’s real. That’s love. And I can’t trust someone who won’t show me that side. Someone who won’t let you truly see.
And as far as the perfect producer goes… how can I possibly go there with him? How can I be vulnerable with someone I know I’ll never fully be able to commit to, even if it’s just dinner, because it would never just be dinner. It would turn into more, or he’d want more, and I would maybe go there because it’s the right thing to do. It’s the proper way and then I’d be stuck in a relationship where I was unfulfilled All while thinking of someone else.
It’s not faIr to him.
Or to me.
And as far as Sookie goes…
I know I need to somehow move past this; I need to move past us—but it’s hard. I just wish there was some manual to tell you what to do when you’re so lost.
And.
I.
Am.
Lost.
I’m lost in my desire and love for a man I can never have.
I close my eyes for a second and just let that seep into my brain. I tell myself he’s about to go on a dating spree and he can very well meet someone that will take his attention away from me. My heart cries out over that possibility. It hurts to think I could be so easily replaced.
Chill, Ari, I tell myself. Just take it one minute at a time.
I straighten my spine and leave the conference room and start walking toward my office. My phone goes off in my t hand.
I stop and look down.
SK
WTF
Yeah. My heart gets really happy when I see his text. I can’t help it.
But he’s definitely pissed. I knew he would be.
I quickly text back.
ME
I had no control over this, all I did was look over the contracts.
SK
No control? You couldn’t at least warn me of what was coming? Even after we kissed?
I can feel my cheeks burn at the reminder.
ME
You know I’m not allowed to do that.
SK
No? I thought I meant a little more to you, but I guess I was wrong. I’ll see you on set while I’m dating random girls for press. You know this sounds like an actual nightmare come to life, but then again, I could always find a girl my age who actually acknowledges me and who I matter to.
