Page 105 of Lost In Seoul


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I stand and back away slowly only to collapse onto the grass and it’s not even my own bandmates that come at me first. It’s Chul, it’s Eric, it’s Suho, they’re all surrounding me as if it’s going to make it better. Ji-Woo and Kwan follow, Kwan actually steps in front of me, I’m delirious. I don’t know what to say. I’m in absolute shock.

Rae jumps to his feet and turns to me. “Why?”

It’s a simple question.

I have only one answer to give. “I love her.”

“How long?” Tears stream down his face.

I betrayed him.

I snuck around him.

And it wasn’t for days or months, it was for years.

I squeeze my eyes shut while Eric grips my wrist then holds my hand while the rest of SWT just sit there because they knew and they know they’re just as screwed, that I screwed them because I wasn’t careful.

We’re done.

Our group is done.

We will never come back from this moment.

I feel like I’m going to throw up.

“We met before we knew you were siblings---we kissed years ago, we’ve been close ever since, we confessed days ago—” My stomach sinks to lead. “We tried to stay away from each other I just, I couldn’t, she’s my soul mate.”

Rae throws his phone into the fire and walks off. “Always the last to know.” He turns and looks at me, he’s so furious I can barely look at him. “Did you ever think, that maybe the right choice would be to talk to me before you got caught?”

“We knew.” Lucas steps forward. “We warned him. It’s not just on him.”

Kai sighs. “It’s on us too.”

Rae looks at Jay. “And you?”

Jay hangs his head. “I knew.”

“I see.” Rae starts walking. “Then maybe the best thing for this group is a better leader since I can’t fix shit.”

I start to go after him, but Suho holds me back. “I’ll talk to him.”

I do a double take. “You’re the worst person to run after him.”

“No.” Eric sighs. “Tough love, that’s Suho, let him go.”

So I do. I let Suho go after Rae, and I crumble.

The group really is going to be done right before our third album, because I fell in love. It’s my fault.

Because I fell for someone who understood me and held my hand.

I chase after him but it does nothing but make him more angry as he turns around and yells at me. “I’m always the last to fucking know! I’m the leader of this group. My sister?” He screams. “My sister? You’d do this? You’d go this far?”

I know cameras are most likely going to be on us now that this broke out into the media and sure enough a production crew shows up and starts filming. I say nothing. I can’t find words as TestME all stand by my side. Kai, Jay, and Lucas slowly come and surround me, and we just sit there on the grass, both groups suddenly together, no anger, nothing, just sadness and desperation.

Rae stops dead in his tracks right when Suho reaches him, he turns around and screams. “Who the hell do you think you are! You should have told me!

“I tried!” I yell back, “But every time I just, it didn’t, I don’t know what to say, do you even realize how often I’ve just wanted to hold her hand in public without people taking pictures? Or to tell you I kissed her when I was sad and she comforted me? That she held me when I cried? Helped me when I was lost? I was so lost and I couldn’t tell you so I told her, she’s been my best friend, so no I didn’t tell you, how do you tell your other best friend that you did the one thing, you shouldn’t do!” I’m confessing it all.

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