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Da had spent so much time with me that he was quite aware of how scared I was of anything outside his house. He knew I was so uninformed of the world he stepped into daily, that I wouldn’t leave. Mammy had tried once, and it killed her and broke my arm. He knew I assumed the same would happen if I ever tried. Not that I wanted to, unfortunately.
When you don’t know what you’re missing, you don’t crave it. All I wanted was conversation… and he was providing that.
The only reason stepping out through the back sliding door wasn’t terrifying was because the back yard was surrounded by a tall wooden fence. I could barely even see neighboring houses, much less any people, who were mostly at work during the day.
As Da’s trust in me continued to flourish, I was even allowed out in the back yard while he was at work.
One time he came home early from work, catching me singing while vacuuming. I told him I was sorry for making the extra noise, and that I only sang while the vacuum covered my sounds, but he promised he rather enjoyed my voice and that I could sing more often.
Eventually, I was permitted to even sing in the back yard.
This new freedom was an entrance to a whole new world, and a biker who would change… everything.
On my sixteenth birthday, I had another pink cupcake, as well as two other firsts.
One was a candle. One magnificent white candle that I was sure would offer a perfect little flame.
The other?
“Do you know the date of your birthday?”
Slowly, I shook my head. “Mammy wasn’t sure, but knew it was before the snow would come.”
Da was so proud to be the one to tell me. He smiled, as if me not knowing for sixteen years wasn’t a crime in itself. “September 17th. I can’t believe how happy I am that you’re still here.” Casually, while offering me a napkin, he told me, “Remember the doctor who had helped with your broken arm?”
Never really wanting to think of that night, I nodded.
“Yeah, he also helped with your birth.” Shaking his head while sitting at the dining room table I was at, he told me, “You almost died that day, and I was mad when you didn’t.”
Pain shot through my chest. “Oh.”
But as he lit my very first birthday candle, he winked. “Now wouldn’t that have been a shame? I would have missed out on having a wonderful daughter.”
Me, a wonderful daughter.
“Make a wish, Elleora.”
My spirit soared! Mammy, I’m about to make my very first wish!
Then I sat there, clueless about what to wish for.
A memory visited me. It was of Mammy sitting at the window, daydreaming about her Da. “…He always knew what to do.”
Perfect. I blew out my candle while internally speaking to Mammy’s Holy Joe father and asked him to choose what I needed.
Maybe he heard me.
The next morning, I awoke to the sound of loud motorcycles. As if I felt grace approaching me, I instantly thought of Mammy and her father with grey eyes. Lying in my bed, I listened to the rumble getting louder and daydreamed about what it would feel like to ride such a bike. Would it be scary? If I ever had the chance to ride, like Mammy had, where would I choose to go?
Somewhere outside these walls?
That was the first time I ever thought about possibly being somewhere else. It was the first time my heart started to long for something… more.
Is that just nature? As you get comfortable, not so afraid, do you have time to think of other possibilities?
Morning sun had my room bright as the motorcycle rumbles grew even louder. I got out of bed and went to the window once the bikes turned off at the loud neighbor’s home.
The loud neighbors hadn’t lived there for some time. The house had sat empty, but not any longer. Soon the back door of the home opened and two men, much bigger than Da, walked outside. They were wearing matching black leather vests, dark sunglasses, and smiles. The younger of the two pointed to different parts of the yard. Excitedly, his hands moved around as if trying to create objects not yet there. The older man kept nodding as if totally imagining what was being explained.
