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Mammy was now twenty-two but behaving like a rabid animal as she crawled toward me, silently begging me to shield my ears. This time, she wasn’t trying to get me to my feet to dance. That’s when I realized all those times she had done this in the past, she had been hiding something. Now I was seeing with older eyes. Now I could tell her past smiles, during our dancing, had been forced.
Becoming scared, I whispered, “Mammy—”
But her eyes slammed shut and she quickly whispered, “Please put these on.”
Not understanding a damn thing but easily reading this woman’s body language, and finally old enough to sense how dire things were about to get, I reached out for the earphones.
My hand froze when I heard the front door shut downstairs, and the faint sound of a young girl talking. I whispered, “Who is that?”
Not able to make out what Eejit-Da was saying to the young girl, I jolted when she screamed. Afraid, for the first time, I whispered louder, “Mammy—”
She tapped my hip but gave no kind rub in return. Manic, she only got on her knees and slipped the earphones over my ears. She was borderline hysterical when trying to push play with shaking fingers that wouldn’t properly work. The music would start, then stop, me hearing screams during every finger slip.
Mammy’s terrified exhales brushed my face as she quietly cursed, demanding her finger get the music playing.
Finally, music played in my spared ears.
Mammy wasn’t spared.
Whatever pleas for help or screams of terror were happening below us, Mammy had no escape. She was forced to hear them all.
Since we’d only had one set of earphones all my life, I realized she had experienced this many times before, being forced to listen. Being so young, and still not aware of what was transpiring below, I wondered why this specific time was so different. Why was Mammy suffering, tremendously?
Still on the floor with me, on her hands and knees, she stared at the door. Childlike songs played in my ears while Mammy’s mouth dropped open, her eyes falling from the door as she slipped into some sort of shock. Staring at the floor, her tears gathered and spilled, dampening the old carpet. From her knees, she slowly huddled over and wrapped her arms around herself. Drool slipped from her gaping mouth.
Then… she rocked. Her whole body hunched around itself, she rocked as she held quivering hands over her ears.
I had never seen her so unhinged.
Can a child decipher between depravity and grace? That’s what I was up against that night that changed everything. The woman who had been my pillar—the only thing keeping me from knowing my life was beyond disturbing—was now crumbling like a glass wall that had been struck with a sledgehammer.
My heart absolutely pounded at the sight.
What was throwing her over a mental cliff I didn’t even know existed? A ferocious and vile mix of guilt and… gratitude. Her denying Eejit-Da my body made another young girl his victim of the night.
Not that I understood that sacrifice at the time. Nor was I anything but terrified to hear what she was hearing—what was killing her from the inside out—blame and cries for help. So, I, too, covered my ears, pushing the earphones and music so deep into my head I hoped it could make me blind.
It didn’t.
That night was the first stretch I had a concept of time because it felt never-ending. I simply didn’t want to witness pain oozing from my mother. I wanted to touch her, help her, but didn’t know how. My blissful ignorance was catching up to me in a rush.
So, I laid facing her, staying in the cradled position, as she was, but on my side.
Then, instinctively, I dared to reach out my hand.
Feeling my fingers curl around her long blonde hair, Mammy turned her head to face me, but she was too spent to lift it. All she could manage was to let her body twist slightly so she could fall to her side also.
As time painfully slugged by, we lay there, staring, me watching each of her tears fall…
Until that point, I had never cried much, unless a tooth hurt or I was sick. Until that point, I had been quite sheltered and felt fortunate to have what I did: Mammy.
In disbelief, we lay there, tears soaking the space between us.
Chapter three
Daring last moments
Lynx
