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She turns away from me. “Okay.”
I take her hand and press my lips to her fingers. “I need you to do something for me.” Her brows furrow ever so slightly but I can see the unyielding trust in her eyes when she looks at me. “I need you to speak to someone about the nightmares. I'll pay for it. I just need you to talk to someone who knows how to help.”
She shakes her head, brushing it off. “It's not necessary. They are just dreams, I'm sure they'll go away eventually.” There's something about her tone that annoys me. It's like she wants to punish herself.
“It's not just the dreams. You've been through more trauma in the last two years than most people go through in their entire life.” My tone is harsh. There's no room for argument but knowing her, she’ll still try it. She shakes her head but I press on. “You will speak to someone, it's non-negotiable.”
She raises a cocky brow. “Non-negotiable? That sounds like an order.” The corner of her mouth lifts up and I take her face in my hands. “It is an order, but it's the only one I'll ever give you, I promise.” Her smile softens and I bring her an inch closer. “You are going.”
“Fine, seeing as you asked so nicely, I'll go.”
I let out a relieved sigh. I thought that was going to be more of a struggle. I lean down and kiss her just as the sound of Ares lights up the baby monitor. Julius bolts for the door and she sighs, pushing up but I put a hand on her arm.
“Stay here, I'll go.” She gives me a strange look but lays back down. I let Julius out and he heads off towards the stairs to relieve himself and I go next door. When I open the door to the spare bedroom, he's standing against the bars of the crib, a big grin on his face. He's got too much hair for a 9-month-old, it’s almost unnatural. A shade away from black like Casimiras and sticks up in every direction. His eyes are just like hers too, piercing green with a mischievous look in them.
He smiles at me and I reach for him, taking him with me back to my bedroom. He squeals when he sees his mom and I sit him on Casimira’s lap. She pulls him to her and attacks him with kisses whilst he squeals again. It's such a mundane exercise but it's nice. Never in my life did I think I would enjoy this so much. I knew I wanted to be a good dad. I wanted to be the dad me and my siblings never had but I never wanted to be a good husband. I didn't really care but for Casimira I want to be perfect. I want her to have everything.
38
Casimira
Manhattan, New York City
I'm surprised to say that Enzo has become Ares’ favourite person. He's all smiles when he's in Enzo’s arms. We stay at his house often as it's so cramped in my apartment. Enzo bought a cot to put in the spare bedroom next to his for when we stay here and we've stayed here every night. I sleep better next to him. The nightmares have become less frequent. They still happen but I can bounce back quicker knowing he's right next to me and me and my Ares are safe.
I've been going to therapy three times a week and it's helping. I've been sorting through the emotions and the memories. I know how to deal with my panic attacks better now. I'm still working through it all but I'm starting to heal and it feels good.
We've settled in like a missing puzzle piece. It’s like me and Ares have always been a part of Enzo’s family. We have dinner with them every night, Julius now lives at Enzo's house and he's become more spoiled than ever, lazy even. It's like a second family. Everyone's kind of obsessed with Ares. I mean it's hard not to be but I mean, even Luca is obsessed. Ares follows him around everywhere and as much as Luca pretends not to, I see how he smiles at Ares. It's just wholesome.
It's strange to see Luca with warmth in his eyes. Since I've come back I've noticed Luca is a lot less cold than I remembered him. Don’t get me wrong the darkness still radiates out of him but he seems more at peace within himself. Enzo on the other hand, he's so much more focused and driven than before. I didn’t think that was even possible. The glimpses I get of him when he's around his men, he's like a different person. He’s savage. I see the fear his men have for him but also the sheer respect and love. He reminds me of Jekyll and Hyde.
Fran has positioned herself as the live-in nanny, even after I told her I didn't want a nanny and I wasn't paying her. She doesn't care. She sings to Ares in Italian and takes him for walks around the block. If I'm totally honest I think she's broody. It’s just jarring to see how everyone rallies around him. I’ve been blessed really, with Hannah and Alexis helping me through the majority of it and now Enzo and all his siblings. I guess it really does take a village.
I realise since his father died and Enzo has become the boss, the target on his back is much bigger. I still don’t ask questions. I don’t want to know the details. Not that I think it would make me love him any less. I don't think that’s possible. I wasn’t thrilled when he told me another non-negotiable was that I have to bring security with me wherever I go. I don't want to make a fuss or draw attention to us but with my anxiety, it helps knowing we're safe even when I'm not with Enzo. Pathetic I know.
His cousin, Carms, is usually the one who escorts me everywhere. He tried to drive my car at first but I shut him down quickly. I'm not being chauffeured around in my own car. If it's not Carms then it's Benny, which I like because I always have a laugh with Benny. His carefree attitude is infectious and I need it sometimes.
Ares crawls between the couches in Louboutin whilst me and Hannah shop. It's my brother Michael's rehearsal dinner next week and I want to get him and Leah a great present as I won't be attending that, or the wedding in a few weeks. I don’t want to be back in London. That place is so tainted now it doesn’t feel right that Aleksy isn’t there. Nothing feels right now Aleksy isn’t here. Living without him is like learning to walk again. I never appreciated the peace I felt just knowing I had him, even if he wasn't right next to me, I felt as if he was and now it's just a gaping hole. I don't stop wondering if it will ever heal.
The shop assistants have been cooing over Ares from the minute I pulled out the black Amex Enzo gave me. Ares loves the attention, Carm loves it more. He sits on one of the low couches whilst Ares pulls himself up on his fingers and the shop assistant tells him how cute he is. It really is crazy how well people treat you when you flash them a bit of wealth.
Leah has been sending me photos of the shoes she wants for their wedding day, she can't afford them but I want to get them for her as a surprise.
“Oh my god, these are stunning,” Hannah exclaims holding up a pair of the Du Désert 100 mm Sandals.
“Get them,” I say, taking a sip from my coffee cup.
She gives me a flat expression and I roll my eyes. “Hannah, you can afford them, just get them.”
She gives them a longing look before putting them back and shaking her head. I make a mental note to come back and get them for her.
“Are you sure you're not going to make it for the wedding?” Hannah asks. Her and James are flying in for the wedding.
I tense slightly. I don't even mean to but even thinking of being in the same city as Tom sets my nerves on edge, like nails on a chalkboard. “No, I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I'm not sure I can handle being back there.”
“I get it, it's nice to see you smile again. For a bit, I didn’t think I'd ever get my best friend back.” She smiles sadly, picking up another set of pumps and putting them back with a sigh.
I don’t think I could have gone through the whole pregnancy without her support. She sat with me through every sleepless night, held my hair back whenever I had morning sickness and she attended every doctor's appointment with me so I wasn’t on my own. She was my only birthing partner. She held my hand the whole time, did night feeds when I was recovering. She's been incredible. I do feel bad though as I’ve noticed the strain on her relationship with James recently. She hasn’t had as much time for him and she’s missed a lot of shows and meetings to support me.
