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My fingers still over her face. “Enzo, when did you get this?”
He peers over his shoulder at me, eyes distant. “A week after you left.”
I glance back at the tattoo because it's easier to look at than his eyes. There's small black lettering weaved amongst the scales of her tail. ‘Il dolore è soltanto una lezione.’
“What does it say?” I ask as I run my fingers over the black ink.
“Pain is just a lesson.” I freeze. Eyes fixed on the artwork. “I can get it covered up.” He says quietly and I wipe at my eyes. “No.”
He turns to face me and his face looks pained. “I didn't think you'd ever see it.”
I swallow, fingers reaching for his. His fingers brush mine and I delicately intertwine them. “Don't cover it, it's part of our story.”
He shakes his head, his other hand encasing mine. “This story isn’t done yet.”
I sniff, shaking my head. “No, it’s not.”
36
Casimira
Manhattan, New York City
I manage to get an hour of sleep after Enzo leaves and before Ares wakes me up. Ares has been a great sleeper ever since I brought him home from the hospital. I was told by the midwives and my mum I was blessed but I rarely get more than three hours of sleep at a time. I've always had an awful sleep schedule but it only got worse in the last year.
The nightmares are the main reason. It's the same handful of nightmares that rotate night after night. Sometimes I’m standing on the train platform watching Aleksy jump and I can't move or scream to help him. I'm glued to the spot watching him die. Some nights, it's me pushing Aleksy from the platform. I'm screaming inside my head to stop, to grab him and hold him and help him but my body doesn't react. He reaches for me and I pull my arm out of his grasp and watch unblinking as the train hits him. Other nights it's flashbacks of what Tom did to me. I can feel his hands on me, gripping me, forcing into me. When I wake up I can still feel him sticking to my thighs and no matter how hard I scrub, I still feel it. I never feel clean anymore.
I've never told anyone about the nightmares. Hannah knows I get them as I wake up screaming most nights but I've never told her the details. She keeps telling me to speak to someone but I can’t. This feels like my penance.
Before I found out about the pregnancy, I was drinking a lot. I was out most nights just trying to feel. I was a complete mess. Putting myself in incredibly dangerous situations, sleeping with men I barely knew, whose faces I can't remember. My reasoning was, they can't take what you’re already willing to give. I tested positive for chlamydia six months after I returned from London. That's how I found out I was pregnant. It didn't take long to work out who the father was because I didn’t leave my bed for two months after the rape. Ares is Tom's son.
You can imagine my thought process when I found out I was pregnant. I was in no way ready to become a mother. I wasn't even taking care of myself, but finding out at nearly 6 months pregnant, I didn't have a choice. I had to carry on with the pregnancy and thank god I did. I had no idea how all the alcohol and unsafe sex would affect the baby. Luckily for us, the pregnancy went as smoothly as could be expected, considering the circumstances. I’m so thankful I found out so late because I wouldn’t have gone through with the pregnancy had I found out earlier and I know for a fact if I kept heading down that path, I would be in an urn on my mother's mantle right next to Aleksy right now. Ares truly saved my life.
I roll myself out of bed and head into Ares’ room. To say things have been a little cramped recently would be an understatement. I should move out, somewhere for just me and Ares but I don’t want to live by myself. The silence is too loud.
Julius has moved to the doorway, laying haphazardly on the threshold of Ares' small room. He's become somewhat of a nanny dog since I started showing, always laying on my belly, not being more than a couple of metres away from Ares at all times. Ares is smiling up at me, his shock of black hair sticking up all over the place and his green eyes just like Aleks. He is the picture of Alek. I thought it would make me sad but it doesn’t. It makes me feel like he’s still around, watching over both of us. Ares is the happiest baby I’ve ever come across, not that I've spent a lot of time around children in general but he rarely ever cries. Only when he’s hungry or super tired. I read a theory once that babies take on all the emotions the mothers carry whilst they’re pregnant and it leads to what kind of baby they’ll be. I think it’s safe to say we’ve disproved that theory.
I smile back at him stroking his hair. He rolls over pulling himself up on the bars and I pick him up, pulling him to sit on the armchair for a second. “Did we sleep well?” I ask. He doesn’t respond, instead, his hand grabs at my face and he babbles incoherently.
“We're going to meet some new people today, well new for you. But I’ve got you. We’re both going to take it one step at a time, okay?”
He grabs at my hair, pulls a strand with his fingers and makes an ‘ah’ sound. I’ll never get over how everyone rallied around me when I found out. Alexis pretty much brought me a whole baby registry because I couldn't get out of bed, she planned a whole baby moon just me, her and Hannah. A long weekend in Mexico. It was probably the one time during my pregnancy I didn't feel like I was drowning.
I change his nappy and put him in a furry pram suit so we can take Julius down to the street so he can relieve himself. I sit on the steps of my building with Ares on my lap whilst Julius does his business by the tree outside. My nerves are buzzing with anticipation but also trepidation. I'm not sure how Enzo and his siblings will react.
After we've all had breakfast and I'm getting our stuff together to leave, Julius gets a mood about him. He hates when I leave without him so I don't do it often. Guilt builds up as he looks at me with disapproving eyes. I give him a stern look. “If I bring you, you have to behave. That's the deal.” Sufficiently pleased by my decision, his tail wags and he trots towards me, pawing at the front door.
When we arrive at the house and the garage door opens up, I have an overwhelming sense of familiarity. I always adored how homely his house felt. So warm and full of life. Enzo is walking down the staircase in his Billionaire Boys Club navy joggers and the matching tee. I don’t think I'll ever get used to how perfect he is. His black curls are still wet from a shower, his face looks calm.
As soon as I get out of the car he pulls me into a bear hug, his massive arms enveloping me. I take a deep breath of my second favourite smell - only second to the smell of Ares’ baby scent- and he pulls back to look at me. “You okay? You look worried.”
“I'm just a little nervous how everyone will react.”
He gives me an easy smile and shakes his head. “It's just Fran and Benny. Luca and Raff are out and Fran’s dying to meet him.”
I take a steadying breath and try to prepare myself, I can handle this.
“I'll be right next to you.” He says and leans down to press a soft kiss to my lips. He walks around to the back of my car and pulls the door open, Julius hops down and ignores him. Enzo crouches down so he can look at Ares with a small smile. “He looks just like you.” He glances at me.
