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I set my jaw and pull my shoulders up so I don’t feel so weak and vulnerable. “I’m not doing this here. I’ll come and see you tomorrow.” I can't do this here. I know if we get into this now I’m going to break and it's going to be so embarrassing. It’ll give the other girls something to talk about for weeks.
His jaw clenches as he looks at me with dark eyes. “I swear if you don’t, I will come back every single night until you hear me out. Don’t test me.”
I meet his eyes properly and it hurts. Hurts like getting thrown into a glass coffee table. “I will.”
I turn away but he doesn’t move. His arms still either side of my head, his body against my back. He drops his forehead forward to rest against the top of my hair and he breathes in. I don’t want to move. I want to sink back into him and pray that everything will just be okay. It’s like there’s a magnet within him that just pulls me back to him. I’ve never wanted to forgive someone so fast in my life. I don’t care that he’s hurt me. I don’t care that he’s betrayed my trust and spat in my face. I just want him to love me. I just want to love him.
None of that matters.
I put my low self-esteem to the side and focus on the feeling I had after Tom. I focus on that horrendous feeling of wanting to take him back and how I promised myself I’d never let myself get treated badly again. So, I take a breath before pulling open the door forcing him to take a step back. I don’t look back until I get to the changing rooms.
All I want to do is go home. I go straight back to the dressing room and take my phone from my bag, turn it on and FaceTime Aleksy. I’ve barely spoken to him recently and it's starting to get to me. I just want to speak to my brother. I don’t expect him to answer as it's past 3 a.m. in London right now but I try anyway.
“Mira.” He shouts after he answers the call. There’s loads of background noise and the backdrop is dark like he's in someone's garden, only the glow of the screen keeping his face visible.
“Hey, mate.” I try to sound happy but it doesn’t work.
My tone grabs his attention. “Oh no, what’s wrong?” He slurs. He’s drunk. I take a closer look. His pupils are dilated and he keeps clenching and unclenching his jaw. He's fucking on something.
“Are you on something?” I ask with an apparent edge to my voice.
He laughs. “I'm on many things.” My heart jumps in my chest.
I look at him, bewildered. This isn't him. “What the fuck Aleksy?” My brother doesn't touch hard drugs. That's why he makes so much money. He doesn't mess with the merchandise. He's always been so strict with it.
He leans his head back against his chair, his face out of view. “It's the only thing that keeps the decay away.” Decay?
I freeze, screwing my eyebrows together. “What?”
He pauses, bringing his free hand up and starts spinning his ring around his finger in front of his face. “Sometimes when I’m alone and it’s really quiet, I swear I can feel my soul rotting.” His voice has a far away sound to it like he's unaware he's even saying this. “The drugs are the only thing that stops it.” I don't even know where to start with that.
“Alek.” I plead. I feel way out of my depth here.
He brings his head back with a small smile on his face. “I’m fine.” He shrugs it off like he didn't just tell me he thinks his soul is rotting. I shake my head at him. He doesn't even look like himself.
“We need to get you some help, Alek,” I say in a defeated tone. Worry doesn't begin to cover how I feel about him right now.
His eyes focus on the screen and he tries to give me a comforting smile. “I’m okay, I promise.” He pauses for a second. “I love you. You know that right?” I startle and blink at him. He never tells me he loves me. He's said it maybe a handful of times and most of them were when we were kids.
“Of course, I do.” Just because he doesn't tell me, doesn't mean I don't know. “I really miss you.” I say as I trace the numbers ‘4:44’ tattooed above my knee, that’s the time Alek was born, he has ‘4:50’ for me on his arm.
“I miss you too.” He sighs.
I hear someone call his name and his attention is somewhere behind him. He nods at them and turns back to me, his eyes looking sadder than I've ever seen them. “I need to go but I’ll see you soon?” It sounds more like a question, as if he's not sure he'll see me soon.
“Of course, I'll ring you tomorrow.” His face shutters for a second and I get this feeling of panic wash over me. “I’ll speak to you tomorrow, right?”
He nods. “I’ll call you tomorrow, I promise.” He hangs up before I can say anything.
Before I put my phone away, I book a plane ticket for Monday to visit home. I can't do anything to help him from here. I put some shorts and a jumper on and leave Alexis a note on the mirror to say I'm cashing out to sleep but I’ll call her tomorrow. I’m so emotionally drained. I don’t want to talk to anyone. The only person I want to speak to is Alek and it's clear he's not himself right now.
28
Enzo
Present-day
Manhattan, New York City
