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I finally look at him and he’s not all that scary and imposing up close. “Yes, but it was his choice to string me along like an idiot.”
He shakes his head and lets out a heavy sigh. “I don't think you understand the situation. He has given his whole life for me, Benny and Francesca. I mean everything. He's put his whole life on the back burner for us. You were the only selfish thing he's ever done.” I squeeze my eyes shut and lean my head back against the headrest.
Casimira, don't you dare cry in his car.
“He has to Marry Isla, he doesn’t have a choice.”
“He just told me he won't go through with it.”
Raff's eyebrows pull together and he stares at me like I've grown another head. “What?” He shakes his head, jaw tensing then he slams his hand against the steering wheel and I flinch back from him
Why is he having such a visceral reaction to this?
“If he doesn't marry her, we will fall back into war with the Irish whilst also having to fight the Russians.” He lets out this angry laugh that makes me reach for the door handle. “He might as well sign our death warrants.”
His words are like someone twisting the knife in my chest. I can feel my chest getting tighter by the second. Death warrants? I can't be the reason for this. I can't hold it in anymore. I start to cry hysterical sobs, choking sounds coming from my mouth.
I push my hand against my chest like I can somehow hold the pieces together.
My lungs start to burn partly because I’m hyperventilating, partly because I'm still sobbing. I can barely see, everything’s blurry. I push my back against the seat and touch my hands to the leather trying to centre myself again and take myself away from the panic.
I haven’t had a panic attack in months but it’s here and I can’t get up the stairs to get help from Hannah like I usually would. “Hannah.” Is all I manage and it doesn't even sound like that, it sounds like an intake of breath.
Engaged. Enzo is engaged.
I can no longer ignore the burn in my lungs. I can't get enough oxygen in my system. My vision starts to swim. Most of my exercises aren’t working. I smack my head back against the headrest trying to pull my thoughts in a single direction. It doesn't work so I do it again much harder focusing on the pain in my head instead of my breathing.
“Hey! You’re okay. You’re good!” Hannah’s voice filters through the pounding in my ears and I frantically wipe at my eyes until I can focus on her face.
She nods with me, a big fake smile on her face. “Hey, I was thinking maybe we could reorganise your wardrobe?” She starts randomly. “Colour code, maybe even have a clear out? I’ve got a few free days so I can help you.” Hannah has been the only one to deal with my panic attacks after I left London, it’s a strange approach but it always works. She basically just starts waffling about the most random shit until my brain fixates and I calm down.
I focus on my wardrobe and how much of a mess it is right now, going through the items, what I would keep and throw out. My breathing slows and I just focus on keeping it slow. She rubs my back, turning back towards where Raff is standing on the street behind her looking at me with a frown.
“What happened?” She practically barks it at him.
I swallow to wet my dry mouth, wiping away the tears again. “It's okay, I’m good.” I'm so embarrassed right now I need to get away from him. I unclip myself and stand pulling Hannah along with me, she stares back at him with furious eyes before turning back to me. “Jesus, Cas. I thought someone was breaking in. He was ramming his fist against the door saying you can't breathe and he didn't know what to do.”
I blow out a breath as we start climbing the stairs and the tears start again, although not the panic this time. It feels as if he’s gutted me. It feels like my insides have been ripped out and spread on display for anyone who wants a look. I can’t stay in this city if he marries this woman. It will break me. And I can't be the reason he doesn't go through with this, I can't. My brain does its usual thing, thinking about the places I could go. I'm not going back to London. Vegas pops into my brain but anywhere other than New York feels wrong. This is my home now.
She guides me to the sofa and disappears into her room only to come back with her weighted anxiety blanket. She places it over my legs, the heavyweight grounding me further. “What the hell happened? You haven’t had a panic attack like that since you first got here.” She’s looking at me with the same worried eyes she had when she picked me up from the airport and saw my injuries. This feels worse. It might not be visible but this is so much worse.
“He’s engaged.”
Her face screws up in confusion. “Who? Tom?”
“No, Enzo.” Her face drops and she flops down into the seat next to me grabbing my hand. “It’s an arranged marriage apparently? I don’t know.” I cry, gripping her hand a little tighter.
Her mouth falls open and she starts shaking her head. “So what, he’s just done all this for nothing?”
I shrug. “He said he wanted to call it off. I think. I didn’t stick around long enough to talk about it but that’s not the point. He’s actually engaged, Hannah. His fiancée is somewhere out there expecting to marry him whilst I’ve been fucking him nine ways to Sunday! It makes me feel sick.”
Her blue eyes start to assess me cautiously as if I might break. “This is the 21st century. How are arranged marriages still a thing?” She glances at me warily, tilting her head to the side. “What are you going to do?”
I hug my knees to my chest as I peer at her. “What do you think I should do?” I just want someone to tell me what to do, tell me what the right thing to do is.
“I think you need to give him a chance to explain. But ultimately you need to do whatever is best for you.” I don't want to give him a chance to hurt me again. I've been too vulnerable with him already. I told him things I don't openly talk about with anybody. He's seen me bare and I don't mean my body. I mean my soul. I allowed him to see my scarred and punctured soul and all he did was add another notch.
I get up pulling the blanket with me. “I just want to sleep.”
