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I traverse the palace halls in a daze, and one thought slowly sinks into the abyss of my stomach. The diary feels like pallets of bricks condensed into a single book that weighs entirely too much for me to comprehend… I think I retained the wrong piece of information.
What if I can’t have kids?
I’ve never considered having them, but I’ve also never considered not having them. The topic feels like yet another thing the Goddess of Light might have taken from me. I understand the effort she put forth to give the queens children, though I don’t know if the mysterious technique will work on goddesses. I doubt she knows that either.
Do I even want kids?
Not for a long time... There’s no rush or biological clock to race now. But eventually I will want them.
I think…
Rinya slides into my path, her brow furrowed as she leans closer to my face. “Ada? What’s wrong? Can’t you hear me?”
“Nothing,” I deflect. “I was just—”
“I’ve called your name about a dozen times,” she insists, eyes narrowed as she observes me. “You acted as if you didn’t hear any of it.”
“I didn’t,” I admit. “I was lost in my thoughts.”
She stays at my side as we walk toward my bedroom, but I don’t elaborate on what thoughts consume me. I’m not even sure how I would explain Isolde’s diary and the conversation without telling her too much of a story that isn’t mine.
“What’s going on?” Rin asks as soon as the door shuts behind us.
“How does childbirth work here, Rin?”
Her mouth pops open, shock draining the color from her face before she can control herself. “Are you pregnant?”
“No,” I drawl, holding my hands out to ward off her incoming interrogation. “Just curious. My Earthly birth control is gone, but I’m drinking the tea. What happens when I want to have kids? Do I stop drinking the tea? What about pregnancy tests? How do you know?”
“Slow down,” she pleads. “Where is this coming from? I can hear you freaking out about something, but outwardly, you look so calm. Tell me what’s happened, please.”
My rambling is immediate. “I was reading a book, and then I went to talk to Isolde. Then I was just thinking that if I can’t die, can’t get sick... Can I get pregnant? Or will my immortal body stop it before it starts? What if I’m drinking the tea for nothing? What if—”
“Stop,” Rin commands, and I bite my lips together. “You need to talk to my mom. She can explain all the kid things better than I can. I only really understand the prevention part, because I don’t want them, and the medical part... because Mom made me watch a birth when I started having sex. She can tell you about the teas and tests and how you know.
“What happens when you want kids isn’t in anyone’s control, not even yours,” she tells me. “People try to conceive for years, and though they’re healthy, it just doesn’t happen. Some people are told they can’t have children, and then they do... There aren’t always explainable reasons behind these events, especially with the gap in medicine between Spiran and Earth. When you want to have kids, you’ll try until you succeed. No one knows how long that will be.”
“Spiran took my mortality, Rin,” I murmur, though I don’t want to drown in this topic again. “The one promise life gave me was that I would die some day... And she took that from me. What if she took away my ability to have children, too?”
Rin wraps her arm around my shoulders, turning me away from my room where I would stew over this thing I can’t control until it drove me crazy. She doesn’t say what we’re going to do. She simply leads me away from isolation.
“Spiran takes,” Rinya confesses before we descend the stairs. “But she also gives back, Ada.”
15
IMRYLL
DAY SIXTY-SIX
I aim to have a quiet morning in the clinic, but tension thickens the air, making each breath heavy with dread. My chest is aching, and my ears are ringing. The walls seem to groan with impending chaos as I check the stock of the operating rooms.
I don’t know when it will happen, or what it will be... But I know something is coming.
After I’ve replenished the resources and put extra materials in the exam rooms, I step out of the clinic and wait at the door for someone to pass by.
The idea of knowing the patients are coming without actually knowing is silly, but it’s the intuition of a water elemental that allows us to feel things. Being a healer allows me to sense the cloud of fear floating in the humid air. It settles in my soul like a wet blanket smothering joy.
Minutes tick by before a guard ambles around the corner, heading to the catacombs to report his attendance and start his patrol. He frowns as I wave him down.
