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It wasn’t Jason leaving that made me sad; if anything, it was him making me realize how much life and joy I’ve been missing. Constrained by stupid self-imposed rules to only half live ever since I lost Jack. But not anymore.
I wander over to my cream sofa, pick up a squishy orange cushion, and plonk down onto it, squeezing the cushion to my chest. Poor Jase. He probably thinks he did something wrong last night. Instead, everything was perfectly right. He was even right about not rushing things. I drop my head back onto the softness of the headrest and let my eyelids flutter closed while I wait for Allie to join me.
When we’re both sitting on the sofa, our legs curled up underneath us and a strong, hot coffee cupped in my hands, she begins the questions I knew were coming. “What happened? And don’t do your usual deflection, because that’s obviously not working. I’m your therapy session for today, so tell me what’s going on.”
I can’t disagree. When we lost Jack, Mom and Dad would shut me down at the mere mention of his name, so keeping everything bottled up inside has become a habit. I clearly remember the relief on their faces when I decided to return to college. It was like me being there was a constant reminder that Jack wasn’t. I’ve spent hours talking this through with Vicki, and I now understand that it was their way of dealing with grief. While I wanted and needed to share my memories with them, they wanted to keep them in their hearts. My parents love me, I’ve always known that, and only this last year through my therapy have I been able to rebuild those close bonds.
“Oh, Allie. I really thought I was ready to open myself up to Jason. But last night proved I’ve still got a way to go.” My lips press tightly into a grimace, and I drop my head to stare into my cup. “I asked him to have sex with me.”
Allie’s brows shoot comically high. She knows the enormity of this because I admitted months ago, over one too many cocktails with the girls, exactly how long it’d been. I wave my hand in her direction. “Hang on, don’t get too far ahead. We didn’t … you know, do the deed. We did stuff, just not sex … And then I cried.” I take a sip of coffee to wet my dry lips. “Is Jase okay? Because I think the tears freaked him out.”
She pats me on my knee. “He’s okay. Really worried about you and looking a little lost. Though that’s probably not something he wants me to tell you.” She grins at me, then takes a bite of the sugary donut she’s been nibbling on while listening to my woes. I pick up my donut but only stare at it, thinking about how concerned Jason must have been to turn up at his cousin’s place this morning.
With sugar still coating her lips, Allie notices my silent contemplation. “Hey, Jason will be fine once you are. Now, let’s not waste this good crisis-management food.”
“I’m not having a crisis,” I reply.
“I know. But let me use that excuse to justify the need for sugar.” She holds up the partial donut ring before taking another bite. I follow her lead this time. One big, sweet bite with a coffee chaser after another until there’s only a sprinkling of sugar remaining on our plates.
Allie licks her lips. “I love donuts. Did you know I had to go without them for twelve years while I was modeling?”
I blink several times but still fail to keep a straight face. “Please tell me you are not about to start comparing my celibacy to your donut-eating ban?”
She shrugs, grinning. “Sorry. You’re right, bad comparison. Sex is definitely good for your health. Donuts not so much.”
I shake my head at my friend, always grateful for her ability to make me laugh.
When I’ve regained my composure, I’m feeling much lighter, happy even. “You know Jase was perfect last night. He told me he wants to take things slow, and it’s only today that I’m realizing it’s not because he isn’t interested in more.” I hide my face in my hands. “Poor Jase, he must think … Oh, I don’t know what he thinks, but it can’t be good.”
“Look, Dana. All Jason wants to do is make you happy. If that’s what you want too, then give him a chance. Let him prove to you that he can be the man you want him to be.”
I nod and swallow the lump that just formed in my throat. No more tears, I warn in my head.
“I’m trying to let him in. I guess I thought it would be as easy as putting on a fancy new dress and winning him in a silent auction.” Sarcasm drips from my voice, and Allie chuckles.
“That was a good first step to letting him know you’re hot for him. I guess step two is using your words.”
I nod.
“Good. Now with all this sugar on board, I think we should go shopping. It’s an excellent way to work off the excess energy and is the second-best kind of therapy.” She collects our plates and mugs, then heads to the kitchen. “Oh, and you are coming to Hunter and Trudy’s for Christmas day lunch, aren’t you?”
“Sure.” Mom will be glad to not have to pretend to enjoy the day for my sake. Maybe I can convince them to have a mini break away, doing something other than an enforced family Christmas that neither of them wants.
She claps her hands to get my attention. “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s shop for new dresses for Christmas lunch. You go get ready. I’ll text Katie to meet us.”
I jump up feeling invigorated, and a small smile sneaks out. Logan is right; Allie is like a ray of Sunshine making everything seem better.
***
After a fun morning of shopping with the girls, followed by lunch at one of our favorite little restaurants on Fifth Avenue, I’m back home in my apartment. Exhausted and happy. Allie has left after extracting a promise from me to call Jason today. She’s right; it’s not fair to leave him confused and concerned by my behavior. We need to sort this mess out. And there’s no time like the present.
I think for a minute about how best to do this, coming up with the perfect solution. I pick up my cell and send him a text.
Me: I’m sorry about my meltdown last night.
Instantly, the three little dots appear, and the reply comes through shortly after.
Jason: You can melt on me anytime.
