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“You don't know how happy I am to hear that.”
“In what way?”
“You know that I've been worried about you leaving. It's good to know that you're going to stick around awhile.”
She said that she wasn't making any promises, but that she was trying to make it work. To me, that was better than any promise. If Amber put her mind on something, she was going to make sure that it worked.
“So, what did you need to talk about?”
“We can talk about it some other time, if you’re busy.”
Coward.
She said that she wasn't too busy for me and it was just another sign that what I was thinking, may not be as far-fetched as it may seem. We hadn’t been together very long, but there was history, and I didn't understand why we would wait any longer than we had to. I felt like I'd been waiting for Amber way longer than I wanted to admit.
“No, it's a good place for me to stop. I thought we were going out. Do you not want to go now? Maybe you want to stay in and not talk?”
I told her that we were going out, but there was still something I had to get off my chest, and it was better to be done in privacy. I didn't know why I was so nervous, just that I worried she would be unhappy with the plans. It wasn't like Amber had come right out and said it, but every time I mentioned her and Caroline meeting, she kept putting it off. When I asked her why, she wouldn't really give me an answer. It just made me wonder what was going through her mind and what her pause was about Caroline. Did she even like children? I hadn't even asked.
“It's up to you. We can have the conversation wherever you want, as long as it happens.”
“You're starting to scare me. You're acting like this is very serious business.”
I told her that it was and there definitely was some apprehension on her face. Amber didn't like surprises, and I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t a surprise, but she said it still felt like it.
“There is nothing to be worried about. I just wanted to talk about some future plans. Every time we get together, all we seem to do is roll around in the bed.”
“And you find that a problem?”
I felt like I was on shaky ground and I had to be very careful with my words. I wouldn't want to mess up what was currently happening. It's not like I didn't really like what we were doing, I just wanted more. Was it too much, too soon? Was I going to scare her away? Was I ever going to not worry about that, or was the time away always going to play on my mind?
“I am definitely not saying that it is a problem, I just figured that you would want to do a little bit of talking this time before we got there.”
“You're the one that seems to have something on your mind. Why don't you tell me what's really going on?”
I could see that the approach I was taking was not a good one, so I needed to change it. I didn't like how stressed out she was looking all of a sudden. This was supposed to be a good thing.
“I think you are taking this all the wrong way, or I am really screwing this up.”
“Just tell me what’s going on, Frank. Obviously, you need to get it off your mind.”
“I have just been thinking about the future and what that is going to look like for us.”
She looked away after a moment and I could tell that I was already losing her. What was her hang up?
I chickened out. There was no other way to put it. I was so worried about what she was going to say, that I couldn't say it out loud. Instead of sticking around and stuttering about like an idiot, I went to the bathroom pissed off. What the hell was wrong with me lately? I had been in wars, killed men, and no one and nothing that I had ever done in my life scared me more than Amber. Funny how that worked.
