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11
Frank
Leaving Amber behind was necessary, but it didn't mean that I had to like it. The time that we had spent together was some of the best times in my life, but now I worried about all of it being ruined. She had known that I was lying to her. I could feel it. Why she hadn’t called me out on it, I don't know. It just made me feel more guilty and before long, I couldn't help the idea that she was not going to understand. My secrets were pretty big. How could I expect her to understand?
If I had told her about certain aspects of my life sooner, when we first found each other again, maybe it would not seem as though I had been hiding it. As it stood now, when she found out, she was going to think that I withheld the information. In a way I had because I didn't want her to know that about me. How would I have ever known that we could get so close again? Now that we were, though, how was I supposed to tell her that I left out such a massive detail?
I got home a little after dark, and I kept looking at the clock because I didn't want to be late. Caroline hated it when I was late, and of all the people in my life, Caroline was the one that I was afraid of disappointing the most. I made it back with only a few minutes to spare, and I was there waiting for her when she got back. She had a big smile on her face and ran up to my arms, before she even put her things down. I asked her how her visit was, and she said it was the best visit to gramma’s ever.
She wanted to know what I had been doing the whole time, and I tried to relay that I had been waiting for her, of course. Although it made Caroline giggle, her natural curiosity would not let that stand as an answer.
“Come on, Daddy. I've been gone a whole week. What did you do?”
I didn't really have a good answer. A few flashes came to mind, but they weren't anything that I could say out loud. I never dated, so it wouldn’t have even been on her radar.
She finally took the answer that I did get some hunting in while she was gone. Then, of course, she wanted to see what I had gotten. When I told her that I didn't get anything, she didn't believe me anymore.
“You always get something.”
Finally, I told her that I got a deer and we would have venison steaks for dinner. I'm not sure where I was going to find them, but it didn't matter. I was feeling pretty low at the moment. I didn't like lying to Caroline. I had to lie to her every day about certain things. That was enough.
We watched a movie while I sent texts to several people that I thought might have a few steaks in their freezer. Jimmy, an old friend that lived a few houses down, said that he would bring a few over. Jimmy and I had been friends for many years, and Caroline actually called him her uncle. He didn't even ask why I needed two venison steaks in the middle of the night. He just put them in the kitchen, and then left out through the back door. I seriously did not know what I would do without him.
After the movie was about over and it was way past bedtime, I started the steaks and we had them in a darkened kitchen, before Caroline got in the bath and I talked her into bed. I didn't regret Caroline, how could I? What I did regret was not telling Amber about her. Now, something that could have been easily explained, was going to be harder to do so, because I had waited so long to say something. I know that that was my biggest fail.
When I got my phone out of my pocket, there were several missed calls from Amber. I knew that she wanted an explanation, but I didn't think I was ready to give her one. What would I even say?
How in the world had I failed to mention the fact that I had an eight-year-old daughter? We had talked about everything. She had asked me questions about my life and never once had I mentioned Caroline. It would have been so easy to do so, right when I had a chance.
I was still pretty young to have a daughter that age. How could I expect her to want to pick up so many responsibilities at her age? I knew that our feelings for each other were true, but how could I expect it to translate into taking care of another person’s child?
Maybe against my better judgment, I didn't call her back. I told myself that I would call her Monday, and we would be able to talk then. Caroline would be with the nanny, and I could keep on pretending that I was just a normal bachelor.
Why was I so afraid to tell her?
“I amsorry that I missed your calls earlier.”
“It's okay, Frank. You said that you were going to be busy. I just wanted to tell you goodnight was all.”
Amber was looking at me with a question on her face, and I wondered what exactly she was thinking. We were at a restaurant, and even though she had offered to come over and make me something at my place, I had insisted that she didn't have to cook. Truth was that I had barely been able to explain a stuffed animal the last time she was there. Now, Caroline was back, and she made it a point to spread her things everywhere. I would not be able to keep it all under wraps, not to mention that Caroline was there at the house with the nanny.
“Are you going to tell me what's going on, Frank?”
I insisted that it was nothing, but I could tell that Amber didn't believe me. I didn’t blame her. I didn’t believe me, either.
“I feel like you're keeping something from me, and I wish you would just tell me. I don't like this awkwardness that has started between us.”
“Do you really think it's awkward?”
She agreed that she did, and I tried to get up the nerve to tell her about Caroline. I really did. It was on the tip of my tongue, yet for some reason it just wouldn’t come out.
I tried to play out the scenario of me telling her. I had several that came to me, and all of them ended with her telling me off and walking away. Correction, stomping away.
Why would I ever want to do that?
By the end of the night, Amber was frustrated with me and she invited me back to her place. I had to decline because the nanny could only stay for a couple of hours. This was all something that I could potentially tell her, if I didn't think that it would all go to shit. Maybe I should just try. What was the worst that could happen?
Short answer, it could ruin everything. I could lose her again, even though I’d just gotten her back. That was the worst that could happen.
