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He said it himself outside the diner that night—I’d only just accepted that Izzy was never coming back. Not to mention what else he threw at me that night:
“You didn’t want me. You wanted her.”
“You and I both know that if she were here, I wouldn’t even be an option.”
At the time, it stung, sure. For more reasons than one.
But knowing now, how he feels, what must’ve been going through his head at the time…
“I’m so tired.”
“I can’t carry this inside me anymore.”
And here I thought he was only so mad at me for kissing him because it forced him to betray his sister. Not because I was…leading him on, rubbing his feeling in his face or whatever—albeit unintentionally. All because I couldn’t think beyond just what I wanted in that moment, paying no care to what it might do to him.
Two things can be true at once.
I frown at my therapist’s voice ringing out in my head.
“I won’t let you use me.”
At that, I startle to attention.
“And you can tell yourself all you want that that’s not what it is, but let’s face facts here, Mase.” And just like that night outside the diner, he says, “If given the choice, you’d choose her. And I know that’s not fair to you. But it’s true. We both know it’s true deep down.”
Is it though?
I swallow tightly, already knowing the truth…
But also knowing, to my core, he won’t believe me. Not today. Not yet. My word means nothing in the wake of my actions…in the face of our history.
“Yeah, for a little while, maybe we could pretend,” he says. “Trust me, it’s not like I haven’t considered it these last couple months, seeing as kissing a guy isn’t a hard limit for you.” He laughs and it’s a raw, rusty thing. “Giving in, encouraging it…knowing you’d probably cave, if for no other reason than to channel all your helpless feelings and pain over losing her into making me happy. Into filling the void she left behind in both of us.” He shakes his head. “As tempting as it is, I do have some shred of self-preservation. Of dignity when it comes to you.”
“Jeremy…”
“I see two paths, as far as I can tell,” he says over me, his voice determined, “and trust me, I’ve run through every scenario there is.” He pauses meaningfully. “I either give up that little bit of pride I still have, and let you use me to fill that void left by her. Or I cut the cord. Do something drastic, so that someday we can be friends. Because if I take the first option…”
I wipe a hand over my mouth, blinking rapidly as I nod. “If it doesn’t work out, we lose our friendship.”
He makes a face at that, gaze unreadable. “When…it doesn’t work out, you mean.”
I stare at him.
He looks away. “Like I said, I’ve played it through my head, probably more times than is healthy. It’d feel good for a while, yeah. No doubt about that.” His cheeks pink, and he mutters something under his breath. “Clearly, I got ahead of myself.”
I frown, not sure I understand. And then it hits me?—
Oh.
Heat shoots down my spine, and I shift on my feet.
Obviously, it wouldn’t just be kissing.
I haven’t really let myself think about that. Seeing as I never thought there was an actual chance here to begin with…
“Anyway, yeah, it’ll work. For a while. I’d get to know what it feels like to be loved by none other than Mason Wyatt.” Again, his voice breaks on my name, and it just…
It fucking boggles my mind. One big what the fuck in my head.
