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“So I’ve noticed.”
“It means I have to keep her busy. She has a lot of extracurricular classes and activities. Math club, two classes she’s taking at high school level, chess. She tutors and is tutored as well. Her mind is just always going.” I give him a sad smile. “But she doesn’t just think about school stuff. She also thinks about life stuff. About a year ago, she was teased by this girl for not having a father?—”
“The same one you told me about before?” he grinds out between his teeth.
I’m taken aback by his reaction. Had I spoken about Kenzie before?
“Maybe,” I say. “Unfortunately we’ve had to deal with her for a while. Anyway, she wouldn’t tell me more beyond that she teased her about it. But whatever she said must have triggered that obsessive thinking Lola does, because she began considering the possibility that something might happen to me and the fact that we have no one.”
I have to stop because my throat tightens as I recall that conversation. All the questions she’d come up with that I didn’t have the answers to.
Who would she end up with? Would she become a ward of the state? Not sure where she even came up with that. Would she go to foster parents or live on the streets and eat out of garbage cans? Who would kiss her goodnight?
“It wasn’t anything you did,” I continue. “It’s what I haven’t done.”
He stares at me intensely, the way he does as if he’s trying to read more than I’m giving.
“You’ve done everything you can for her, Andie,” he says.
“Have I?” I ask him, almost supplicant, wanting to know if I’ve done enough. If I am enough. “She’s scared to be alone, Gavin. No child should wonder what will happen if their only family member dies. And to be honest, I’m afraid of that too. What if something does happen to me? Who will she end up with? I’ve named Miri as her guardian, but there are no guarantees.”
“Andie.”
I shake my head and stand. “I should have done more. Made more of an effort to date. Maybe formed a new family. Remarried. Maybe everything would have been better for her.”
“The fuck it would have.” Suddenly he’s standing beside me, his hands grasping my arms, his gaze furious. Then, just as suddenly, he releases me and wipes a hand down his face. When he composes himself, he says, “Marrying some fuck wouldn’t have made anything better.”
“If something happens to me?—”
“Lola would be fine. She will be safe. She will always have a home,” he affirms as if it’s a promise. An oath that leaves no room for doubt or further questioning. As if his word is law.
“Okay.” I sit again and tug him down with me. “Okay.”
He lets out a breath. “Miri seemed less angry with me by the time she left.”
“Miri?” I laugh at his use of her nickname. “Yeah, she doesn’t think you’re so bad anymore because you have some things in common. What you said at the table? Was that real? You grew up on the streets?”
“Does it surprise you?”
“Honestly, yes.”
His lips tug up in a rueful smile. “It’s true. My father died before I was born. And my mother… She shouldn’t have been one in the first place. Didn’t want the responsibility, so she left me with a much older brother who didn’t give two shits about me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry for the things you’re not responsible for.”
“I just meant…”
“I know what you meant.” He sits back, more relaxed now, and throws an arm over the back of the couch, resting his hand right behind my head. “What about you? Do I have things in common with you too?”
Shrugging, I say, “I didn’t eat out of garbage cans. I found ways to pay for my food.”
“What ways?”
I peer at the carpet. “Shameful ways.”
“Stealing.”
