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“Did you say it to Sarah?” I kept my voice quiet.
Now that the door was open, I was jumping in head first. Whether I was doing this in pursuit of the truth or to punish myself for not realizing all of this sooner, I wasn’t sure. But saying her name out loud for the first time caused chills down my body.
His jaw clenched in response. “Don’t.”
The tears started to well up as insecurity overwhelmed me. “Don’t what? Ask questions? Say her name? Why? Am I not worthy, Mark?”
His fists clenched. “You know that isn’t it. But this is between us. It has nothing to do with her.”
I smiled sadly. “It seems to have a lot to do with her, actually.”
“A relationship is more than those three words between people. I want my future with you as my wife. Tristan and more kids with us as a family. Don’t actions count for something?”
I could taste the salt from a few escaped tears on my lips as I willed myself to go further towards the point of no return. “You’re right. They do. Then let’s go get married. Before I’m pregnant. We could go down to the courthouse tomorrow morning.”
The alarm on his face told me everything I needed to know. “You don’t want a courthouse wedding. At the very least, we’d want your mother there.”
I was pushing, even while recognizing that in doing so our relationship would never be the same. But I hadn’t been brave enough in my marriage and it had cost me years of settling, which had eventually turned into a ball of resentment. I wasn’t about to ignore my gut feeling on this. Not this time. “Then we’ll set a date for a month from now and tell our friends and family tomorrow. Call them in the morning with the news.”
“I don’t have a ring.”
“I don’t need one.” It was interesting he hadn’t bought one yet if he was so set on our future together. Once again, this highlighted my naiveté.
“Yes, you do. I don’t want to announce an engagement without a ring on your finger.”
“Fine, then we’ll go get one tomorrow and tell everyone after.”
He paced the room, obviously out of excuses. “Why are you pushing this?”
“Why? Jesus, Mark. We’re trying to make a baby together, but you can’t tell me you love me. You can’t tell people about me as though I’m your dirty little secret. And it seems like you won’t propose or marry me unless I get knocked up first.”
The reality of what I’d just said out loud slammed into me. “You’re hoping I get pregnant so you’re then obligated to marry me, aren’t you? That way you don’t have to feel guilty for wanting to.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it? Apparently, I can’t have anything you had with Sarah. Not a real date, not your love, and not even a ring on my finger before the two pink lines.”
“This, between us, along with Tristan—this is all I need.”
“But it’s not all I need.” My voice broke with emotion. “I know you care about me, and I believe you do want a family, but it’s not enough.”
Exasperation was etched on his handsome face. “I’m giving you all I can.”
“I know.” God, did I. “But for the first time in my life, I can’t settle for that.”
“Now I’m like him? I’m like the asshole you were married to?” His temper was evident with the flash of his eyes and clipped tone.
The tears started falling freely now as I was resigned in my answer. “No. You’re nothing like him. You’re the man who helped me realize I deserve more. But it’s as you said: you’re giving me all you can.”
“Why isn’t that enough? You’ve been married. You’re thirty years old with a son. There’s a lot more to think about than going on pointless dates and contrived romance. What we have is real.”
I sucked in my breath. I knew he was hurting, but that didn’t excuse his implication. “So, because I’m a single mom who had a shitty first marriage, I’m supposed to—what? Be thankful for anything that’s thrown my way?”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. It came out wrong.”
His condescending voice instantly pissed me off. “No, but it’s what you said. You make it sound as though I should be grateful for whatever I can get.”
“I would never even think that. But you’re caught up in the trappings of convention. What did it do for you the last time around, huh? You had the courtship, the engagement, the wedding. This is more.”
