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I was extremely happy for her while at the same time knowing I was creating an obstacle for myself by refusing to examine what was keeping me from my own personal happiness. It was time to talk with someone.
While I lay in bed later that night with my laptop, I finally got up the nerve to email Dr. Mac and requested a meeting with him at his convenience.
* * *
Mark cameover the next evening for dinner. Over the last few nights, I’d missed him. He’d been in New York with Josh for work. And turns out I wasn’t the only one to have missed him because the moment he walked through the door, Tristan immediately wanted Mark to see his new Lego set.
Later, as we lay in the dark with him holding me close, our hands entwined, I blurted out my news. “I made an appointment with Dr. Mac for tomorrow.”
His hand squeezed mine, but I didn’t miss the way his body tensed up first. “That’s great.”
It was a big step for me to have made the appointment and also to admit it to someone. “Yeah. I’m a bit anxious, but I think it’ll be good.”
“Definitely. Do me a favor, though.”
“What’s that?”
“If you talk about us, do you mind not mentioning me by name?”
A gut punch would’ve felt better. “Sure. No problem.” My voice was strained, but he didn’t seem to pick up on it. Then I realized the only reason he wouldn’t want me to mention his name. Dr. Mac knew him.
“Do you see him?”
He let out a loud exhale before answering. “I used to. That’s why it would be strange to have you talking about me with him.”
But if he no longer saw him, what difference would it make? “Maybe I should meet with someone else, then.”
He pulled me in closer to him. “I can’t speak highly enough of Dr. Mac, so please don’t do that.”
Right. But don’t mention his name. No problem.
* * *
I cancelled.I couldn’t help it. Because if I intended to reveal all of my insecurities, I couldn’t be afraid I’d accidentally blurt out Mark’s name. After all, keeping things to myself wasn’t exactly my strong suit.
But if I was being honest, it was another excuse to be a big ole chicken. Cluck, cluck, cluck. So much for the Juliette 2.0 plan. If my failed diet and dropped math class were any indication, I’d be stuck on the 1.0 outdated version forever. Pity party of one here. But not for long because I couldn’t stand myself that way.
On Friday night I babysat Abby while Josh and Haylee enjoyed some couple time over homemade lasagna. It was hardly an imposition. Abby, now able to smile, could sit in her chair and watch Tristan play for hours. He, of course, loved being the center of her attention.
When the knock came at the door, I opened it to a grinning Mark. He took one look at Abby and hesitated.
“Oh, hey. I see you’re babysitting. Is Abby spending the night?”
“No. Haylee will probably come down in the next hour or so to get her. She’s still nursing, so…”
I let my words hang and watched his face flush with the TMI.
“Okay. So how about you text me after?”
Right. Because he didn’t want Haylee or Josh to know that he was hanging with us. Not even just for dinner and a movie. He certainly wouldn’t want to broadcast the news he was in a sexual relationship with me.
“Sure. Will do.”
He quirked a brow at my flat voice. “You okay?”
I forced a smile, not wanting to get into it in the hall and with two kids in the living room who needed their dinner. “Yeah. It’s all good.”
But it wasn’t. Not that I blamed him, but unfortunately, he was tapping directly into the very heart of my insecurity. I wasn’t good enough. He didn’t want people knowing he was with me. Not even his therapist or best friends. The real problem though lie in the fact that I wasn’t even angry with him over it, which only highlighted how truly low was my self-esteem.
