Page 85 of Under His Guard

All I want is to rest.

Just not forever.

Still, words spill out, and they’re not…they’re not the ones I want.

“He was tired of fighting. I don’t blame him. And his parents…they’re just alone now. I can’t imagine…”

I breathe, my free hand reflexively going to my lower stomach.

“I’m glad it’s empty. I’m glad I can’t have kids.”

Luke gasps a little, but he doesn’t interrupt. I look over, and I know he can see me from his peripheral vision.

“I don’t think I could take it, Luke. If they got hurt or sick. With Beth…I’m a coward. I can’t take on that weight. Not like my patient’s parents. Not like Regina.”

“You’re not a coward, Clara.” Luke clears his throat. “Being a parent…it’s not for everyone. And some people who are, shouldn’t be.”

I only half hear his words. My brain is swimming in despair and existential dread.

“And it’s just randomness. He was sick because of who the fuck knows why. Any of us. We could go at any time.”

It’s quiet for a beat. My driving pulse is the only sound in my ears, and it’s too damn loud.

“We could go. Right here in this car.”

“I will not—” Luke’s voice is low, hard, and laced with barely hidden anger “—let anything happen to you.”

Glancing over at him, our eyes meeting, I see the rigidity of his stare. I think I see what he isn’t saying.

But we’re not there yet. We’re not to the point where we’re going to lay it all out in the open to each other.

Relationships have rules, apparently. I’m just learning them, but I know we’re only starting out, and we aren’t there yet.

So, I just nod.

Still, I do believe him. He won’t let something happen to me, not if he can help it.

Hell, he’s been shuttling me to work every day, letting me stay with him. It’s all right there.

“Okay.”

And then we just drive home.

Chapter 28

Luke

It’s too much. I’m barely able to drive with the impact of Clara’s words.

And I’m not even the one dealing with it, not really.

Clara is the doctor. She has to carry the weight of that loss on her shoulders.

The kid’s parents. They have to carry the weight.

But I can see it.

I can see the blood, the gray dust from the stone walls as they broke. It’s happening again like it’s right in front of me.

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