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She unlocked the door and stepped inside, and I peered around this place; the living room opened out onto the kitchen, and the fridge was covered with children’s drawings, all bright colors and messily scribbling outside the lines. And, as my gaze traveled around the room, it finally fell on her for the first time.
Kyra. My daughter.
Fuck. Okay. She turned and glanced over her shoulder at me, meeting my gaze for a second, completely unaware of who I was to her.
"Kyra, this is a friend of mine, Avda," Jo told her, and she waved at me.
"Hey," she greeted me, and then, she turned back to the drawing she had been working on before I had arrived. I couldn’t stop staring at her, the dark hair that came from Jo, those blue eyes that were clearly mine. She had no idea that her father was standing in the room with her right now, none at all, and it was more than a little bit of a headfuck, knowing how big this moment was.
"Sorry, she can get kind of shy with new people," Jo explained to me as she made her way into the kitchen. "Can I get you a coffee?"
"Sure," I muttered, still staring at her. She stole another glance at me, and those eyes seemed to burn themselves into my memory at once. The same blue that looked back at me every time I glanced into the mirror. It was beyond strange seeing them on someone else, let alone a little girl, a total innocent who had no idea where those eyes had come from – the kind of person who had given them to her.
Jo handed me a coffee and I stepped into the kitchen with her, giving Kyra a little space.
"This is so strange," I murmured to her, as I lifted the coffee to my lips. I felt like my head was reeling, a total mess as I tried to make sense of this.
"It’s okay, it was always going to be," she pointed out gently. "I knew it was always going to be weird, having you around for the first time, but she doesn’t know anything. It doesn’t have to be a big deal."
"I know, but..." I trailed off, glancing around at Kyra again. I stopped myself in my tracks. No, this wasn’t about me – this was about her. I wanted to know what kind of girl she was. I didn’t know if Jo was going to give me the chance to see her again after this, and if this was going to be the only chance I had to see her, then I wanted to make the most of it.
"So what kind of stuff does she like?" I asked softly, as I eyed the drawing she was doing.
"Well, she’s obsessed with basketball right now," Jo replied. As soon as those words came out of her mouth, Kyra’s ears seemed to perk up, and she turned to face us.
"Basketball?” she asked brightly, and she got to her feet and came over to Jo, wrapping her arms around her legs. "Are we going to play?"
"Oh, honey, I think it’s a little late for that," Jo laughed, ruffling her hair. "Maybe tomorrow, huh?”
Kyra pouted. Before I could stop myself, an offer had passed my lips.
"I could take her," I suggested. "Is there a court near here?"
Jo stared at me, surprised.
"You don’t have to do that-"
"I know I don’t have to," I replied. "I want to."
"Can we, Mom?" Kyra asked, squeezing onto Jo’s legs. Jo looked down at her, sighed, and seemed to sense that there was no way she was going to be able to get out of this.
"The court is just a couple of blocks away," she replied. "It’d probably do her good, to blow off some steam..."
We headed down there together, and Kyra chattered to me all the way about how much she loved basketball – it was clear from the way she spoke about it that she had a serious passion, and I asked a few questions here and there, prompting her to fill me in on everything she could. I had so much of her life to catch up on, I hardly knew where to start – but basketball would be, at least, something we could share.
"Now, I’m not very good," I warned Kyra. "You think you can show me some moves...?"
Jo watched as the two of us played – Kyra was still a little clumsy, but she managed to get a few baskets, with my help. She laughed as she shot the ball past me, over my head, and I cheered for her – Jo clapped, and Kyra ran over to her to give her a celebratory hug.
I watched the two of them together, mother and daughter, and something twinged in my stomach – something I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but something insistent. Something that told me I couldn’t mess this up. Not with either of them. I had gotten this close to them now, and I wasn’t going to do anything to cause any problems.
And if that meant hiding parts of myself, if that meant concealing those parts of me that I knew might have scared Jo off – I would do it. Not just the Bratva side, though she already knew about that, but the...the part of me that felt desire for people other than women. I knew how people saw men like us, I knew how my family had talked about the men they had known who’d had the temerity to desire anything beyond the standard of two kids and a wife, and I couldn’t risk the same thing happening with her.
I couldn’t let what went on inside my head stain this relationship she had with her daughter, I couldn’t let the memories of my past get in the way of what was right in front of me. If I was going to convince Jo to let me be a part of Kyra’s life, I had to present the best face possible to her. And that meant hiding the parts of me I couldn’t risk her knowing about.
The parts of me that were full of a desire I refused to let anyone else see.
Chapter Ten – Jo
