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Unable to sleep, I roll onto my side. Whilst the bed is incredibly comfortable, I know my mind is far too alert and on edge to allow me to sleep. I know Alex’s death would never be traced to me, and that doesn’t bother me too much. What bothers me is the same question that I ask myself over and over.
Will I ever have a normal life?
For ten or so years, the career path I chose has been hectic, long, and drawn out. My childhood years were full of misery and abuse. My teenage years weren’t much better, but as a teenager, I filled out a little and learned to look out for myself. I became street smart which helped with my NYPD career. But I’d always had this dream of walking into my home. My wife would turn around with a bright smile because I was home, and we’d dance slowly to Frank Sinatra in the kitchen as we prepared dinner.
The thought always brought a glimmer of hope to me, hoping one day I could have exactly that. Someone could show me how to love, show me affection, kindness, and warmth, something I’m all too aware my dark soul lacks. My biggest fear of all, is that once everything is said and done, I’ll end up alone. The only thing keeping me company is fading memories of the horrific acts I’ve committed, along with the screams of so many who dared to escape justice.
Some may say that’s perfect; you’ve made a difference and should be proud. Maybe so? But not me. I know there’s far more to life than what I have right now. I just have to work on it and not allow myself to fall down a black hole where I lack empathy and love. A few weeks ago, this wouldn’t have crossed my mind. I would have just carried on because I didn’t know any different. But with Summer walking into my life, even under the tragic circumstances, I just can’t seem to allow this to pass me by, no matter how anyone else feels about it.
Taking one final look towards Summer’s peaceful form, I savour the moment. Making a note of each freckle on her nose, how her delicate features are resting, how she sleeps with one arm under the pillow, and how, even when she’s in a deep sleep, she’s so breathtakingly beautiful. It is so delicate and so peaceful, and I feel a warmth pull at my cold heart. As though someone is trying to remind me that it is still, in fact, there and beating.
Sliding from the bed, I briefly turn back to ensure I haven’t woken her up. Moving through the apartment I find my clothes strewn across the bathroom floor. Quickly getting dressed, I pull my phone from my pocket, but to my surprise, there’s no messages. My shoulders sag slightly when there’s no news on Strode’s condition yet, knowing I’ve been told to go home and stay there for now, I doubt they would have sent anyone to check on me.
Turning in the mirror and spotting the blood that’s still stained on my T-shirt, I opt for heading home and burning it all. As my mind begins to swarm, I know the best thing for me to do right now is leave. I feel my fists clench at my own fucking stupidity, thinking with my dick and not my brain. I’ve now done exactly the opposite of what I told Strode. I’ve crossed that fucking line and made things far more complicated. How stupid was I to ever think this could end happily, she’s about to bury her father for fuck’s sake and all I’ve done is send mixed signals because I’m incapable of functioning like a normal human being.
As my head falls back, I let out a heavy sigh. Shaking my head, I move quickly from the apartment and back towards my car. Unable to shake the guilty feeling that follows me.
Summer?
When my palm connects with the cool bedsheets, my eyes flutter open. My brows pinch, spotting the empty space beneath my hand. Pulling myself up into the sitting position, I can’t help but feel disappointed that I have woken up alone. Letting out an exaggerated huff, I fall back onto the pillow, unsure what I’m disappointed about right now. The fact that Bhodi has left, or the fact that I allowed myself to open up for a brief moment of intimacy that I wasn’t forced or guilted into.
Either way, I feel it. I feel unbelievable disappointment and confusion all rolled into one, gliding right over my soul. As my eyes focus on the ceiling, I shake my head, knowing if I allow this to consume me, it’ll do exactly that, and right now, I don’t have the time for his games, and I don’t need them. Taking back some control, I reach for my phone off the bedside table. Scrolling through my contacts, I opt for making plans today instead of wallowing. Tapping on Jame’s name, I open a new message.
Hey, are you free for lunch today? Sorry it’s short notice. I understand if you have plans.
The response comes after a few long minutes. Opening the reply, I feel the smile pull on my lips.
Morning Summer, sure thing! Come by the office around midday. I know a good place.
I don’t know if that’s what James meant by “Call me if you need anything.” But right now, I really need a friend. Plus, it’ll give me a chance to discuss a couple of lingering topics that I have been on my mind since I found out about my dad’s will.
Feeling a little more positive about the day ahead, I head for the shower. Tapping the coffee machine on the way, I begin to play some Guns and Roses loudly as the water falls over me. Refusing to be a victim to anyone any longer, I make a mental note here and now that this is where it ends.
With my new positive mindset in full force. I finish getting ready, spraying some hairspray into my freshly styled loose curls, giving them a little tussle and zipping up my boots. Applying a fresh coat of nude lipstick onto my lips, I take a step back. My cozy, warm outfit suiting the chilly New York weather perfectly.
Over the knee, black boots, thick warm leggings, and an oversized black jumper. Giving a little spin in the mirror, I reach for my long, thick grey wool coat and purse, heading out into the busy street. As the wind blows, I gently push the hair from my face.
When my gaze wanders to my surroundings, my feet pick up the pace, walking to James’s office with a purpose. With the weight of my own misery beginning to lift a little off my shoulders, I allow myself to smile for a change. I’m not in New York for a good reason at all but being here has allowed me to escape cruelty and abuse that I may have been stuck with else, and this is what I need to focus on right now. Doing right by my dad at his funeral and not allowing myself to ever go back and fall into the never ending trap of fear.
For a moment, I grant myself that little bit of happiness, making a note that I’ll never allow myself to be treated in such a way and never allow someone to do it. Finding a good pace, I eventually reach James’s office just as he’s locking the door behind him. Waiting at the bottom of the steps, I quickly glance around the street, preying nothing throws me off.
“Right on time!” James beams at me as he descends the stone steps of the well-presented brownstone. His navy blue suit and camel trench coat perfectly set off his sandy hair and hazel eyes.
“I felt like I needed the walk.” I reply, smiling, as he pulls me into a quick hug.
“Well, I’m glad you called, it can’t be easy in the penthouse alone. No matter how well appointed it is.” He shrugs, but the comment leaves the hairs on the back of my neck on end.
I suppose the idea that people who I barely know, knows what the penthouse looks like. The thought on its own isn’t a red flag, but a masked stalker just letting himself in without question and knowing how to change the codes causes that uneasy feeling to rise in my gut again.
“Hey Summer, are you ok?” James asks with concern, halting in the street for a moment.
Blinking a couple of times, I finally turn to him and pull myself from my mind. Nodding gently, I force a smile.
“Yeah, sorry. I guess it still feels strange being there when dad isn’t.” The left-hand side of my lip curls a little in a sorrowful gesture.
James’s face instantly softens. Looking away for a moment, I also see the sadness in his eyes. But he merely nods, looping my arm in his, and he pulls me close. A smile pulls at his lips as he looks ahead.
“I understand, but you know I’m here to help you in any way I can. You aren’t alone. I’ll accept a lunch date with you whenever you need it.” The words are kind and sincere, almost causing a knot in my throat at how warm someone you barely know can be towards you.
