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I shook my head. “I didn’t know we were struggling. Mom never said anything.”
“She didn’t want you to know. Bills added up over the years. She didn’t want you to feel responsible.”
“You mean my therapy and medical bills?” An invisible force constricted my stomach, like someone was trying to suffocate me by tying a ribbon around my ribs. I felt responsible all over again. I’d spent years in talk therapy, which I’d come to learn later I needed because I was fighting the curse inside of me. That was before I was diagnosed with lupus, and then the insane medical bills just kept coming after that.
“Yes. I’m sorry you have to find out this way, but your parents took out loans to pay off your medical bills, and they couldn’t afford the interest,” Verla explained. “Your mother saw a way to use her powers for good, to help your family. I promise you she only brewed potions that would help people. Your mother was a good person—to a fault at times, even.”
“I didn’t realize Dad knew she had magic.”
“He’d known for years.”
“Why didn’t they just ask Grammy for money?”
“They did. They asked your grandmother; they asked me. We all helped. But eventually, your mother wanted to manage on her own. She was fiercely independent, much like yourself. She didn’t want to burden us.”
“If you knew all this, why didn’t you tell me?” I demanded.
“Your mother didn’t want you to think it was your fault, and neither do I.” Verla reached out for me, but I yanked away from her.
“I don’t want to believe it’s my fault, either, but that doesn’t change the fact that it feels that way,” I said bitterly. “My parents were trying to make money to cover my medical care, and they ended up dying for it.”
“Nadine, this is not your fault. All this means is that they cared. Your parents and your grandmother died to keep you alive, so you can honor them by doing what you came here to do.”
“Everyone’s dying for me all the time, and I’m sick of it!” I yelled. “I wish I would’ve just died, because everyone else would be alive. My lupus should’ve killed me. Then the people I love would still be alive.”
Verla gasped. I’d never admitted something like that to anyone before, but it was true, because that’s exactly how I felt.
“Nadine, you can’t think that way,” Verla warned.
Angry tears sprang to my eyes. “I can’t help it. There’s always been this side of me that believes it. I don’t get it… I already got rid of Dark Nadine, but it’s like there are still shadow aspects outside my family curse that have hung with me.”
Verla’s shoulders fell, and her voice was soft and understanding. “We can’t fix our grief with Curse Breaking.”
“Why not? It fixes a hell of a lot of other things.”
“Of all the things we can fix with magic, grief is not one of them—hard as we may try,” Verla assured me. “Even healers from other supernatural societies can’t heal grief. There are no potions or spells for this. The only thing we can do is take the time to process it. It’s okay if you don’t feel better today or next week, or even years from now. We all handle our grief differently, and it is perfectly normal to take our time on it.”
I crossed my arms. “How much time is reasonable?”
“As long as it takes.”
“That’s not good enough!” I snapped. “How can you sit here and act so calm? You said Grammy was like a mother to you, too, yet you want to just sit around and do nothing and hope that time is going to fix things? Bullshit!”
I stormed out of Verla’s bedroom, and she didn’t follow. I wanted to cry alone in peace, so I returned to Grammy’s room. I needed to do something with my hands, or I was going to break something just to give my anger somewhere to go. I packed Grammy’s belongings away, then threw the skeleton key around my neck into my memento box. I was angry that Grammy had given it to me for protection, and it had failed to protect her at all. I slipped the recipe cards back into their box, then carried it all up to my room. I slid the boxes under the bed, where they could easily be retrieved again, but just as easily be forgotten.
I cried for hours. By the time I left my room, it was already close to dinner time. I heard voices coming from the living room. It sounded like everyone was there. I followed the sound of conversation and found everyone gathered around the fireplace. All eyes turned to me, and Lucas approached to take my hand.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“I finally have word from Siona—our contact in Malovia,” Hattie said. “She has a safe place to meet, but we have to move fast. The revolution in Malovia is unpredictable, and we don’t know how long we have to sneak through the borders.”
Good. I needed something to do right now, because I couldn’t change that Grammy was gone. Sitting around here wasn’t going to help me deal with it, either. We were one step closer to walking through hell—though it felt like I was already there.
I stepped forward. “Tell us where to go.”
“You’re not going anywhere,” Verla stated firmly. “Malovia is dangerous for anyone right now, but especially for members of the Miriamic Coven. Jonathan and I will go to make first contact, and the rest of you will come once we know it’s safe. We’ll be in touch as soon as possible.”
“We should all go!” I argued. “I may not be strong enough to break all their wards, but with mine and Lucas’s magic combined, we can portal directly into Malovia.”
