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Talia pulled me closer. “I know what it’s like to feel that things are too good to be true, and to seek out the bad because that’s what you’re used to. When things are going good, it feels uncomfortable. What’s important is that you embrace the good and detach it from the bad. They aren’t two sides of a scale where one has to influence the other. I know we need the bad to see the good in things, but sometimes the good can exist on its own.”
“How can you be sure of this?” I asked.
“Because I’ve been through it,” she answered. “I was never good at relationships. It didn’t occur to me that someone could actually want me the way Grant does. I pushed him away and dated Cody because that’s what felt normal. Cody really messed with the way I viewed myself and how relationships could work. Hell, he taught me sex was bad and uncomfortable. When Grant and I started fooling around, it was really hard, because I couldn’t completely open up to him at first. Everything we did just made me feel dirty.”
“I’m sorry you went through that,” I whispered. “Lucas and I have a great time together, but sometimes when I’m with him, I feel like we’re breaking the rules, because we were never supposed to get this far in the first place. If I’d never broken the Reaper’s Shadow curse, we never wouldn’t have gotten married.”
“Sex should feel freeing and empowering for both of you,” Talia said. “It shouldn’t feel restrictive, like you’re breaking the rules. Have you tried the toys yet?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know if we’re that kind of couple. They make me nervous.”
“I felt that way at first, too, but they really helped,” Talia said. “I found them therapeutic.”
I furrowed my brow. “In what way?”
“It was something new for Grant and me to connect over—something I’d never done with anyone else,” she explained. “We got to experiment together, and it became a meditation for us. I could just be with him and trust that he would take care of me. When I was focused on all the good with Grant, I forgot about the bad with Cody. I won’t ever forget, but it also doesn’t weigh on me anymore. In order to change the way I felt, I had to involve my mind and body.”
“So when I’m with Lucas, I should focus just on him, and not all the bad that will come as a result?”
Talia nodded. “I understand you’re looking for an explanation for what happened, but you and Lucas are not responsible just because you shared a moment of happiness. Putting the blame on yourself isn’t going to save you from your grief.”
I turned back to Grammy’s grave, and my stomach clenched tighter. I understood what Talia was saying, but I couldn’t quite accept it.
“The people we love in life make choices,” Talia added. “Helena made the choice to defendyou no matter what price she had to pay. One day, you’re going to understand why.”
I drew her into a hug. “I miss her so much already, Tal.”
My best friend sniffled and squeezed me tightly. Then she gave a little chuckle and said, “Look at us talking about sex toys in front of your grandmother. She’d be so proud. I bet she’s shouting down from Alora right now, Stay safe, girls!”
I wiped my tears. “I know she is. She certainly always wanted to protect me. Who’s going to buy us condoms now?”
Talia snickered. “I’ll take one for the team. It’ll be my job from now on.”
I forced a hint of a smile and laid my head on Talia’s shoulder. I drew a deep breath, though the air felt thick as syrup in my lungs. “Grammy, I’m really going to miss you. I love you so much.”
I placed a hand on her grave, and though there was no magic pulsing through it, I could swear I felt her love flowing into me. Grammy may not be here with me, but she would always be watching over me.
It was a comforting thought for now, but something told me it’d take me a lot longer before I was all right again. If I ever would be.
* * *
One melancholy day faded into the next. A numbness had taken over my entire spirit. I didn’t feel much of anything.
Lucas found a scrapbook Grammy had left in her room and brought it to me, and that helped a lot. They were all old pictures, from back when Mom was a kid. It reminded me of how much life they lived—even if they had left too soon.
By the afternoon following the funeral, I noticed the ache in my belly twisting tighter, and I realized I hadn’t eaten anything. I didn’t want to eat, but I knew I needed something. The house was quiet as I found my way downstairs to the kitchen. Leftovers from our wedding reception were packed into the fridge, and I pulled out a container of brisket to heat up.
If anything could break me from my stupor, it was Grammy’s food. Flavor burst in my mouth as the tender meat crumbled on my tongue. It made me believe that for just a moment she was right in front of me. The taste of her brisket was like the warmth of her hugs. I shoveled more food into my mouth, as if that would help me reclaim her memory. She had made this brisket. It was the last meal I’d ever have from her?—
My thoughts came to a screeching halt, and my chewing slowed. This was the last thing she’d ever made… if I ate it all, it’d be gone for good. I’d never have one of Grammy’s home-cooked meals again.
The thought made me want to hurl up every bite I’d just eaten. I slowly choked down the food in my mouth. I took the rest of my plate back into the kitchen and wrapped up the leftovers, then placed them in the freezer. I wanted to keep that last piece I had of her with me for as long as I could. Grammy’s recipes were a part of her.
It occurred to me that maybe she had left behind more than just this brisket. If I could find her recipes and recreate them, maybe I could keep her with me longer.
Isa followed me into Grammy’s bedroom. The room was neat, and the bed had been made. I walked over to the vanity, and my fingers grazed across her jewelry. I picked up a bottle of perfume and smelled it. Goddess, the sweet floral scent smelled like her, and sadness tangled in my gut all over again.
I set the perfume down and went over to the closet. All kinds of skirts in different colors hung from a rod, and I reached out to touch the soft fabrics. I noticed a stack of scrapbooks on the top shelf, as well as a few shoe boxes. This must’ve been where Lucas found the scrapbook he’d brought me earlier.
