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I didn’t look her in the eye. “You’re amazing. How could I be worthy of your love?”
“Depression or not, you have always been worthy of love,” Nadine insisted. “Worth isn’t something you earn. It’s inherent. In good times or in bad, I will always love you. My love for you doesn’t change with how you’re feeling, just like your love for me remains consistent regardless of how ill I am.”
I squeezed her hand. “I can believe that on good days, but why can’t I believe it now?”
Nadine took my face in her hands, forcing my gaze back to hers. “Deep down in your heart, you know it’s true. This is just a story you’re telling yourself in the moment. Let’s bring you back to reality. Take a deep breath, and tell me five things you can see.”
Nadine was using the coping technique Dr. Mack had taught me. It was supposed to help with anxiety. I guess I could play along.
“I see you, books, the window, the cats, and… the trees outside.”
“Four things you can touch?” she asked.
“You, the couch, the floor, and my clothes.”
“Three things you can hear?”
I hesitated. There wasn’t much sound in the library. Nadine waited patiently for me. “Um, I hear the air conditioner, Oliver licking his paws, and your breath.”
She nodded encouragingly. “Two things you can smell?”
I inhaled deeply. “The library has a distinct smell… maybe it’s books? And your perfume. You smell like roses.”
“And one thing you can taste,” she said.
I ran my tongue along my teeth. This was always the hardest one. “I guess I still taste some mint from the gum I was chewing earlier.”
“Good,” Nadine said, squeezing my hands again. “Three more deep breaths. How do you feel?”
I finished my breaths, and I felt much lighter. “Better than before. I just get so worried. Aren’t you scared my depression will never truly go away?”
She shook her head. “No, because there’s more to you than that. If I’m going to love you, I’m going to love all parts of you. When I say you’re improving for the better, I don’t mean to reject those parts of you. Rather, I want to welcome the other parts.”
“Like what?” I wondered. “What exactly is it that you love about me?”
Nadine gaped, like she couldn’t believe I didn’t see it. “I admire you, Lucas. You’re incredibly kind, and always looking for ways to help people. You stand up for your friends, and you stand by your values. You’re willing to take risks, and when people tell you that you can’t do something, you do it anyway. You’re strong, loyal, and smart.”
My heart swelled in my chest. “That sounds more like you than me.”
“Maybe I love you because we’re similar in those ways,” she said. “All I know is that you’re selfless and caring, and when I’m around you, I feel safe. You were the first person to accept me when I came here, and you’ve never asked me to be something that I’m not. I can be myself around you, and you love me for me. I met you when I was at a vulnerable point in my life, and you listened and tried to understand. You’ve always been there for me even when I’m being headstrong and stubborn. You take care of me when I’m out of spoons.”
“Spoons?” I asked.
“Spoon theory is a story for people with chronic illnesses,” she explained. “Each spoon represents the energy needed for a task. People with chronic illnesses have to manage their spoons more than others, because we only have so many spoons available to us every day. Once you’re out of spoons, that’s it. You don’t have any more energy for the day. If you borrow from your spoon supply for the next day, you’re in a deficit, so you have fewer spoons to use for tomorrow. Walking up stairs might be a spoon for me, and for someone with depression like you, getting out of bed might be a spoon.”
I had never thought of myself as chronically ill before. It didn’t physically ache to get out of bed and shower like Nadine or Miles experienced. But some days… I just couldn’t do it.
“That makes a lot of sense, actually,” I said.
“Another reason why I love you. You’re open minded and willing to learn and grow.” She paused before adding, “Other people would tell me to comply with the priestesses and be quiet—don’t make a sound—but you’re here at my side fighting this with me. You support me in every way I could ever ask.”
A smile broke across my face, and it felt so good. “Of course I support you. You’re amazing.”
I leaned down and brushed my lips across hers. My heart leapt, and my pants tightened. Nadine knew how to lift my spirits. When she said good things, I actually believed her.
Nadine smirked as we drew away. “You look excited.”
“I’ve got the best girl in the world in my arms. You’re the reason I’ve changed, and you should take credit for it. You make me see the good in the world. You give me hope. Hell, you’re here to calm me down when I need it, and you’re always so kind. If it weren’t for you, I’d never believe we stood a chance against the priestesses. But I have to believe we do, because I believe in you.”
