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Not knowing what else to do, I closed the door behind her.
"I know Bain sent you," I said, crossing my arms over my chest and glaring. "You didn't need to come."
"Oh yeah, you look fine," Nyla huffed, mirroring my body language. "Please, Jazz, have you even looked in a mirror? It looks like you wrestled a raccoon with your face and lost."
I couldn't help myself. I burst into laughter at her colorful description. Covering my face with my hands, I groaned. "Ugh. Does it really look that bad?"
"Honestly," Nyla deadpanned, "it's worse. Like, between seeing you now and seeing you leaving the club…I'd have come anyway. Girl, like…are you okay? Did Bain hurt you? Was he too hard on you? ‘Cuz I'll kill him myself, and then send the guys after him to do it again."
The mental image of Nyla's petite form trying to attack Bain gave me a fit of giggles so hard I doubled over holding my sides. Laughter felt good after the tears, and as I wiped my eyes I was overcome with the urge to tell the truth, to say out loud everything I'd been holding in. I just wasn't sure where to start.
"I slept with Bain," I finally blurted out.
Nyla's head whipped to the side, her eyes wide with interest as she stared me down. I could see the unspoken questions, but all I could do was shrug and start crying yet again.
"Let me pour us a sip. I think we are gonna need some wine for this convo." Nyla whisked past me to the kitchen and came back a few minutes later. She handed me a glass of wine, dragged me to the couch, and waited for me to take a sip. Once I did, the interrogation was on.
"Okay, spill. You slept with Bain? Like tonight? Not at the club, because I'll kill him. I saw you after that session. You were in no condition to consent."
"No, no, no." I waved my hand through the air and took a long swig of my glass before continuing. "A while ago. Years."
"Oh, you mean back in college? Jazz, I hate to tell you this, but that's not news."
I was fairly certain that it should have been news, and that I'd never told her, but I ignored that and shook my head again. "No. Well yes, but no. I meant… more recently."
Nyla shrugged. "So? Sometimes emotions get messy with this service. It's not perfect. We are still working out the kinks. As long as you consented. You did consent, right? Because I swear to god, I'll kill him."
"Nyla! Will you stop threatening to kill Bain and let me get my story out?" I shrieked, holding back a fresh bout of laughter.
"Okay. Okay. Sorry. Continue." She took a sip of her wine, set it down on the coffee table and clasped her hands in her lap, staring at me pointedly while waiting.
"It was three years ago. It was right after Henry died. Well, a few months after." It was the first time I'd ever told anyone or even admitted it out loud. Throwing my hands over my face, I peeked out at her between my fingers.
Nyla was motionless. Her eyes blinked rapidly, and her mouth worked like a fish, but the rest of her didn't move. "Well," she finally exclaimed. "Well, I was not expecting that!"
"I know," I moaned. "I just…" I stopped short when Nyla shook her head.
"Jazz, you do not owe anyone an explanation. Least of all me, and certainly not yourself. But for the record, if you want to talk about it, I want to listen."
Draining my glass, I flounced back on the couch, dropping myself in such a way that my head was in Nyla’s lap and my body was spread out across the length of the couch. "I want to say I was just lonely and drunk and sad and that's all true, but it's not the only reason. Bain… he does this thing. It's like he always knows just what to say. Like he can see my thoughts and they are overlapped with a script of exactly what I need to hear at that moment. And like, with this Rent-A-Daddy thing… I wanted anybody but him, but I don't think anyone else would have gotten through the way he has. Like tonight… Tonight I was so scared to be in the club, playing with someone who wasn't Henry, and even though I never said it out loud, I know Bain knew. He just knew. And when he was spanking me, it wasn't too hard or too much it was… it was honestly just enough. Like somehow all the stars aligned, and I could see myself for who I was, and I could see my shortcomings and mistakes for what they were, and for the first time ever, I could give myself grace. I could say ‘that sucked, but you were doing the best you could at the time for the shitty hand you were dealt’. And I just… I couldn't stop crying."
"I can see that." Nyla's voice was filled with understanding, soft and melodic, and as she played with a strand of my hair I tilted my face upward to look at her.
"But…okay, that explains the tears, but why did you leave?"
I shrugged. "I felt like I had too. The feelings were just too big and they were suffocating me, and I had to get away from them."
"That makes sense, too," Nyla conceded. "But what I don't get is this: why wouldn't you let Bain come in and take care of you the way he's supposed to? The way he should."
Abruptly shooting into a sitting position, I grabbed Nyla's wine glass from the table and downed it.
"Hey!" she exclaimed while my mouth was still full of the sweet liquid.
Swallowing, I shrugged and smiled sheepishly. "I'm not gonna quit," I promised. "Rent-A-Daddy is working for me and I want to see it through but… I need space from Bain. I can't… do this with him right now?"
"What do you mean? Like you want to switch Daddies? Do you want us to pair you with someone else?"
"No!" I exclaimed, instantly panicked at the thought.
