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TESSA
After our nearly three-hour delay—it took Frannie longer to reach us than Shirley expected—we decide against trying to make it all the way to Aspen. Wes cancels the campsite rental, and I look for a motel room nearby close to the highway.
But fifteen minutes later, I’m still searching and the sun is sinking low on the horizon.
“I guess we could camp in a Walmart parking lot,” Wes says. “I hear they allow people to do that. But there wouldn’t be any hookups for water, so no shower or flushing the toilet. Unless we bought a bucket and filled it with water, maybe?”
I shake my head, still scrolling. “No, I’ll find something. I mean, this place just a few exits up has one cottage left, but…”
“But?” he prompts, his focus sliding my way.
I feel his gaze on my face but keep mine on my phone as I say, “It’s a king-sized bed. Not two double beds. So…”
“Well, I don’t mind sharing if you don’t,” he says. “We can put a pillow barrier in the middle of the mattress if you want, and I promise I’ll stay on my side.”
“I’m not worried about that,” I mumble.
“Then what are you worried about?”
“Nothing, I guess,” I lie. “I’ll book it.”
I shouldn’t be worried about anything. After all, there’s no way forward for Wes and me in any version of the future. It won’t matter that I can’t have kids. He’ll probably think I’m crazy for telling him—especially like this, like it’s some kind of big deal and so upsetting I get teary when I think about it.
I don’t usually get teary. It’s just that Maddie was so sweet, and Wes was so good with her. He’s clearly going to be an amazing father someday.
Someday in the future, when he finds a woman closer to his own age, one who can give him a family and the kind of life he wants. I might even get to be “Aunt Tessa” to his kids. Chase already calls me auntie and his cousin, Sara Beth, has started doing it, too. Pretty soon, I’ll complete my metamorphosis into an honorary McGuire sibling.
Hell, maybe Wes will eventually come to think of me as a sister someday.
The thought makes me want to toss my cheeseburger.
“Everything okay?” he asks.
“Fine, why?” I say, finishing the booking.
“Your lip was all snarled up. Like you smelled something off.”
I force a smile and reach for the GPS screen on the dashboard, typing in the motel address. “Sorry. My burger is talking back to me a little. I may take a walk when we get to the motel, just to help with digestion.”
“All right,” Wes says. “Is that going to be before or after you tell me whatever you need to tell me? I don’t want to pressure you, but I’d love to know what’s on your mind. You can tell me anything, you know. I’ll keep it to myself. I’m a vault. Ask any of my brothers and sisters. I’m the one they go to when they need to get something off their chest and don’t want everyone else in the family to know about.”
“It’s nothing like that,” I say, wishing I’d kept my mouth shut. “Not a big secret or anything. You’ll probably wonder why I thought I should tell you in the first place, it’s just…” I sigh, but I can’t keep putting him off. It’s best to get this out of the way now.
We’ll be at the motel in ten minutes, and I can escape for a head-clearing walk, even if it’s only around the parking lot a few dozen times.
Determined to keep things as light as possible, I keep my focus on the road ahead. “Sometimes I get a little emotional when people compliment my way with kids or tell me I’m going to be a great mom someday or…whatever.” I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry. “Remember that old boyfriend I told you about? The one who didn’t want to rent bikes in California?”
When I see Wes nod in my peripheral vision, I continue, “Yeah. Well, he wasn’t good at having fun or driving. He insisted on trying to make it all the way home to Bad Dog on our second travel day. I begged him to pull over and get a room, but he insisted he could stay awake just fine. I tried to stay up with him, but eventually, I guess I passed out. When I woke up, the car was upside down and I had a piece of metal sticking out of my stomach.”
Wes curses.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I say, forcing a tight smile. “Not a nice way to wake up from a nap, I’ll tell you that. I was too scared to be mad at him at first, but once we were both out of surgery, and I knew we weren’t going to die, I was so pissed.” I clear my throat. “And that was before the doctor told me the shrapnel had destroyed my uterus. He’d hoped he would be able to repair it during surgery, but the damage was too extensive.”
“I’m sorry, Tessa,” Wes says, a sympathetic rumble vibrating his chest before he adds, “I had no idea.”
I wave a hand. “Of course, you didn’t. But yeah, so…I can’t have biological children. It’s something I’ve come to terms with, but sometimes I still get a little sad about it. I just can’t help it, I guess.”
He reaches out, resting a gentle hand on my knee. “You don’t have to help it. Grief isn’t a linear thing. It comes and goes. I still miss my grandpa all the time, and he died when I was a kid.”
