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The confusion and embarrassment that flashes in her eyes cleaves my heart in two. I want nothing more than to scoop her in my arms, carry her to my bed and make love to her, so she knows exactly where I stand, but I'm not the one uncertain about my feelings. She is, and I don't want her to wake up tomorrow regretting our encounter. No, I'd rather she hate me in this moment than push me away afterwards.
I watch as she slowly stands to her feet. Her cheeks are red, her hands are twitching, not really knowing what to do anymore.
"Princess," I start but when she flashes me a narrow-eyed glare, I shut my mouth and swallow my apologies. They won't do me any favors now.
"Is this a game to you?"
"What?"
"Did you want to see how far I was willing to go for the hell of it?" she asks, wounded, angry, hurting.
"No," I jolt to my feet, but she takes several steps back, so I can't touch her. "That's why I stopped you from doing something you might regret in the morning."
"And why do you think I would regret it?" She spits before rolling her eyes with a huff. "You know what your problem is, Atlas? You think you know what's best for me. Everyone thinks they know what's best for me, but no one ever asks me what I want. No one lets me choose for myself. If I want to fuck you, that should be my choice! After all this time, I thought you would have gotten that through your head by now."
"Strenlys -"
She points a finger at me and shakes her head, "No!" she grits out. "You don't get to speak to me anymore. Outside of our lessons, there's nothing for us to talk about or do together."
"I know you're angry and embarrassed – "
"The one who should be embarrassed is you. You preach how you treat me differently than Bastian and my parents, but what it boils down to is, you want to control me just like they did. Dictate my schedule, approve of my actions, determine my future. Well, I'm done with that."
"I'm trying to protect you!" I don't mean to raise my voice, but I'm desperate for her to understand I'm not the same as her abusers. "You're new to this world of magic. I don't want anyone using or hurting you. Maybe that translates to me being hard on you, or it appears I'm trying to control you and I'm sorry. That's not my intent."
"I know you want to help me, Atlas, but smothering me and giving me this false sense of attraction, isn't the way to do it."
"You think I'm not attracted to you?" I take a heavy step forward and to her credit, she doesn't shrink back, holding her ground and my stare like a true queen. "I want you in every way possible."
"Then why tell me to stop?" Her eyes are watery. "Why tell me I'd regret this tomorrow?"
"Shit." I rake a hand through my disheveled hair and groan. I tentatively approach her, slip my hands on either side of her face, and whisper, "I'm not trying to control you. I'm trying to control myself."
Her hands snake around mine and pull them from her jawline. A hardness settles into her features, and for a split second she looks more Frost Elf than human.
"Princess -"
Without a word, she turns on her heel and slips out of my bedroom, closing the door behind her.
Fuck! I slam my palms against the door, bracing against it. I want to chase after her, I want to apologize, to make things right between us. The thought of her sleeping one floor below me, angry and hurting, because of what I've said and done rattles me to my core. My soul aches that she's not here in my arms. I feel like a part of me is missing, a piece I never knew was lost until I found her. I know I made the right decision about tonight's encounter, but damn it sucks. If things were the other way around, Bastian wouldn't allow an engagement to prevent him from bedding her, but then again, this isn't really about Bastian. It's about her.
I push against my bedroom door and fall back onto my mattress and rub my eyes. The look on her face when I told her to stop will be burned into my memory for all eternity. I know without a doubt in my mind she is attracted to me, but I want more than that. I want more than her in my bed for one night. I want more than a fleeting kiss because she gave into her lustful thoughts. I want her. I want all of her. I want her by my side as my woman, my partner, my wife. And if that means waiting until she's ready for that step, I will. She means more to me than temporary gratification.
I'm drawn to her like a sailor to a siren. I'm just praying I don't drown if she rips my heart out.
Sixteen
Shaye
"The things I want to do and say to you, you aren't ready for, but I hope one day, you will be."
"I'm trying to protect you!"
"I'm not trying to control you. I'm trying to control myself."
I play his words over and over and over again in my mind as I toss and turn in my bed one level below him. The longer I think about it, the angrier I get and the more embarrassed I become. I can't believe I was on my knees before him, baring myself to him, all for him to stop us from…
I flip to my back and stare up at my ceiling. I don't know how long I've been fighting my sheets to find a comfortable position, but I've worked up an appetite and decide to risk waking the entire house to raid the kitchen for a snack. Throwing my blanket off of me, I slip a robe on and carefully open my creaky door. Successfully, I manage to leave my room and trek down the stairs, but when I make it to the first floor, I notice the light in the kitchen is on. Someone else must be up raiding the cupboards and I pray to any Celestial that cares to listen that it's not Atlas. My wounded pride can't take looking him in the eye quite yet.
