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"It would be my honor to assist you," Cleo's breathy voice is soothing, and I dare say hypnotizes Nyx.
"The section you're looking for is this way." Penelope rounds the bend and treks back toward the opposite side of the library through the endless rows of bookshelves that nearly touch the wooden ceiling. Sliding ladders are waiting to be climbed and my inner child wants so badly to ride one, just for fun.
I turn to tease Nyx for how he was drooling over Cleo, but he's not with us. He's still at the top of the staircase, holding Cleo's stack of books. I catch him flash her a devilish grin and she giggles, covering her mouth. I roll my eyes. He just can't help himself.
We walk a few more minutes before our Dwarven guide cuts a hard left and walks halfway down the aisle. She waves a hand up and down the bookshelf, a proud smile stretching across her face.
"Here you are," she taps a few spines. "This section contains all the material we have about the Celestials."
"Thank you so much for your help." I start reading the titles on the spines, itching to finally find some answers.
"I will leave you to it."
Penelope excuses herself, leaving me and Eris to peruse the shelves upon shelves of tomes about the Celestials. Agreeing to split up, I take the first row and Eris takes the next one. There are several leather-bound books so ancient, I'm afraid if I breathe too harshly they might disintegrate. Leaving those for when I can ask Penelope to handle them, I head further down the row, placing my fingertips on the bindings as I walk. Foolishly, I hope that I can sense what book I need to grab similarly to how I sense Enver Sol. Maybe he will guide me, so I will find the answers I seek.
A scarlet spine snatches my attention, forcing me to stop. I tilt my head slightly to read the horizontally printed title: Love in All Forms. Letting my curiosity get the better of me, I slide it off the shelf and crack the volume open. My eyes widen at the graphic picture I flip to featuring a naked a man and woman. His fingers are inside her core and her mouth is open, as if she's silently screaming in ecstasy. I turn the page and the same couple is in a different position. She is on all fours, and he is penetrating her from behind, a fist in her hair, pulling her head back.
My cheeks flush and my belly heats. How many positions are featured in this book? It's a thick edition so my mind almost can't comprehend what secret information is inside.
In Midori, all I was ever taught about sexual intimacy was that it was only used for reproduction. Of course, I heard the servants talking when they thought I wasn't around about some of their explicit encounters, but never in my wildest dreams did I realize one could do the deed in so many different ways.
I flip back to the first picture I found of the man with his fingers inside his partner's core and can't help but wonder why he's doing that. I know how babies are conceived and through the fingers isn't how it's done. But when I stare at the woman's face, all I see is pleasure and something deep within me wishes I knew what that felt like.
Bastian and I shared many secret kisses, but one time he lost control and slipped a hand down the front of my dress to cup one of my breasts. I remember how sensational it felt to have his fingers graze across my nipple, how my core pulsed in excitement, but we never took it further than that. Bastian quickly realized what he had done and apologized for taking things too far. I wished at the time he hadn't stopped, and he would have shown me exactly what his body could do to mine, but I never brought it up again, fearing he would judge me for desiring more.
My mind wanders to Atlas and how it felt to have his lips against mine. How my heart stutters each and every time he places his hands on either side of me, pinning me against a wall. The magnetic force between us isn't lost on me. I know I have never felt drawn to Bastian the way I'm drawn to Atlas, and I think that's what scares me most. I want him, but I know I don't I deserve him.
I glance at the picture once more and I imagine Atlas' fingers curled inside of me. Involuntarily, I shudder at the thought of his shadows slipping over my skin, his lips pressed against my neck, him whispering sweet praises in my ear until I –
"What did you find?" Eris' voice startles me, and I slam the book shut, noticing too late that my hands are glowing.
"Nothing," I croak, and my cheeks flush. I feel like a child that was caught in their mother's jewelry box and now I'll have no choice but to explain why my hands are glowing. "My hands – "
"Glow when you think of Atlas?" she interrupts me with a grin, and my suspicions that Nyx told her about my lesson with his brother are confirmed. When I don't respond, she turns her focus to the book I'm still holding. Her left eyebrow arches, her curiosity officially piqued. "Does that say," she squints, trying to catch a glimpse of the spine, "Love in All Forms?"
I groan knowing there's no denying what I have and extend the tome to her. "To be fair, I had no idea what was inside when I opened it."
Eris takes ahold of the book and flips through the weathered beige pages. There are countless more graphic sketches inside, different positions, more intimate acts, and I feel my stomach heat when I see a woman on her knees before a man, her hands around his hardened length and her tongue stroking his rounded tip.
"Have you not seen one of these books before?" Eris asks, genuinely interested, and without a shred of judgment.
I shake my head and fiddle with my braid. "No."
"I know this is a very personal question," she closes the book, and I think I already know what she's about to ask, "but are you…experienced?"
Embarrassment creeps through my body. I know she isn't trying to make me uncomfortable, but I can't help but feel ashamed of my experiences with Bastian. I'm a princess, the heir to the Midorian throne, and I'm expected to hold myself to higher standards than everyone else. To admit I am not blemish free is a vulnerable and slightly mortifying thought.
My silence must stretch for too long because Eris says, "You don't have to answer, if it makes you uncomfortable, Shaye. I'm here if you have questions about anything though." Another moment of complete silence stews between us and I can't bring myself to look her in the eyes. In my peripheral, I notice she lifts the book to place back on the shelf and without thinking I reach out and grab her wrist.
"Promise you won't judge me."
"I'm not here to judge you, Shaye," she reassures me. "That's not what a friend does."
Her kind blue eyes flood me with a sense of safety. I exhale and admit, "Bastian and I have kissed and once he…" I risk a peek at her and she's listening intently. "I know intimacy is meant for reproduction only, but once he slipped his hands down the front of my dress and I liked how it felt to have his hands in such a forbidden place."
She doesn't say anything immediately and just as I'm considering sprinting out of the aisle to find a nice corner to wail in sheer embarrassment, she takes my hand and pulls me toward the table at the end of the row, next to the window. She places the book on the desk and sits next to me.
"Shaye, you have nothing to be ashamed of," she lifts a hand to silence me when I go to protest. "Sex isn't just for reproduction, it's for pleasure as well. There's nothing wrong with liking how it felt when Bastian touched you."
